We are a funny people when it comes to love.
Most of us wouldn't even dream about getting married unless it was for love. But that creates an interesting dilemma once you've been married for a while. Any married person knows that love comes and goes over the years, rarely if ever returning to the level of a newlywed's can't-take-my-hands-off-of-you phase. As "The Secret Lives of Wives" author Iris Krasnow wrote after interviewing some 200 women on their long-time marriages, "I am constantly reminded of the eggshell-thin line that separates loving from loathing."
Sometimes, after x-number of years of marriage, we just don't love our spouse as much as we used to -- if we still love him or her at all, that is. But if we no longer love our spouse, can we split? Most people don't like divorce, for obvious reasons. It's emotionally draining, often damaging to the kids and expensive; it's "failure." We're OK with divorce only if something really bad is happening, like abuse, affairs or addictions -- even though a good number of spouses dealing with those issues stay married because they insist, "I still love him/her." Clearly, love can cloud our logic.
So, we have a good share of people living in loveless marriages. Isn't that odd? We insist that love is the reason to get married, but obviously we don't believe we need love to stay married. Instead, we stay married because we say we need to honor our vows -- the whole "for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health, until death do us part" thing. Or for the kids. Or because we can't sell the house for a good price right now. Tina Turner was right -- what's love got to do with it?
Love is a crappy reason to marry, according to Stephanie Coontz, author of "Marriage, a History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Love Conquered Marriage":
"For most of history it was inconceivable that people would choose their mates on the basis of something as fragile and irrational as love and then focus all their sexual, intimate, and altruistic desires on the resulting marriage. In fact, many historians, sociologists, and anthropologists used to think romantic love was a recent Western invention. This is not true. People have always fallen in love, and throughout the ages many couples have loved each other deeply. But only rarely in history has love been seen as the main reason for getting married. When someone did advocate such a strange belief, it was no laughing matter. Instead, it was considered a serious threat to social order."
So then why do we cling to love as the main reason to say "I do" instead of love being just one of the reasons? In truth, we really don't marry for love alone. We marry for love and then some. A woman in her 20s may be tying the knot because she's ready to be a mom. A 40-something divorcee may want to get hitched again for financial stability. A man in his 50s may wed a so-called trophy wife, a younger woman who offers him social status. A 70-something widower may be marrying for companionship.
Are those marriages any less valid that couples who marry for love? Of course not.
But, say out loud that you're getting married for, say, financial stability or social status? It's probably not going to go over too well. Just look at how Tori Spelling reacted when the tabloids deemed her marriage loveless because someone blabbed that hubby Dean McDermott was just after her "money and the fame." Men can be gold-diggers, too, according to a recent study that indicates many of us would marry for money, male and female, although 71 percent of 20-something women said they expected they'd get divorced, too. Even Pamela Smock, a sociologist at the University of Michigan who studies marriage and money, says she was somewhat shocked by that. "It's kind of against the notion of love and soul mates and the main motivations to marry in our culture," she said.
Right -- because our main motivation for marrying isn't just love, even if we don't admit it. So we should stop pretending that it is.
Because if love is the only reason to marry, then the end of love should be reason enough to divorce. In fact, a recent U.K. study indicates that falling out of love has surpassed infidelity as the reason couples are splitting.
We are entering proposal season; more men pop the question in December than any other month, including February. But before you say, "Yes!," you might want to ask your sweetie why he wants to marry you. If he says "Because I love you," you might want to tell him that's just not a good enough reason.
Vicki Larson and Susan Pease Gadoua are collaborating on a project on reimagining marriage. If you interested in being a part of their research, please contact them at info@changingmarriage.com
Follow Vicki Larson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/OMGchronicles
My take is that Marriage itself is unnatural in its current state. A few points:
In many indigenous societies, it’s been shown that the group raises the children. So there might be 100 people in the group, 20 kids. The kids played together and everyone in the group looked out for them. (In many cases the paternity of the child was not known [because promiscuity was also accepted]). This has the massive advantage of women not being alienated from other adults and also not being overwhelmed and forgotten.
Another thought.
Why are spouses so good at keeping up appearances around extended family or friends, but in private they may behave appallingly to each other.
In many indigenous groups, “couples” didn’t live together. Men lived in one group, Women and children lived in another. Or there was some form of collective living. You could see how this would diffuse many potential problems; you would also have the elders who would continually give guidance to the younger adults. (100 years ago, people used to live with their extended family, offering something similar. These days it’s almost completely lost)
Why just men?
Because men require that kind of feeling to defy our flawed nature, and work hard enough to become decent partners in a marriage.
The only marriages I've seen work, are the ones where the guy is hopelessly, irrationally devoted to the girl, and the girl is clear headed enough to judge the guy's actual potential.
Evolutionarily, love is far more necessary for males and than females. All a male needs to want to sleep with a female is sexual attraction. But when a couple is having a baby, the sex appeal is replaced by a requirement for a lot more care than the male offered initially. So what keeps him around, providing that extra care and attention when the reward of sex is temporarily not able to be offered? Love - that feeling that makes just *being* with the female far more compelling than being with any other - despite the temporary lag in all the things that he was motivated by initially.
A man who is not in love with a woman, no matter what else he might have to offer, is simply not worthy of her and never will be. A man who is in love with a woman *knows* he's not worthy of her - and because of that he will do everything he can to become worthy. No woman should ever settle for less.
Why should a man get married at all then?
BTW, just because a man in love will do anything he can to make himself worthy of his wife, it doesn't mean he'll succeed. It's just that without love, he has no chance. Because sooner or later, that woman will need him to do things only a man in love will do. It won't be all the time of course, but it will be critically important when it is.
For example, there may come a time when your wife is pregnant and bloated and cranky and she needs to know you still find her beautiful. Only if you're in love can you answer truthfully that she is and always will be. Answer that she isn't, or lie unconvincingly that she is, and you'll hurt her and your marriage in a way that you can never undo. Only answering yes truthfully is being worthy of someone who basically bearing all the physical burden of bearing your children.
And over the course of a marriage, there will be countless other little times when your only hope of doing or saying the right thing hinges on you're being in love - or being vastly more intuitive than men are.
The above line alone, indicates that the author of this article is remarkably unqualified to address this topic.
Love comes and goes? Really? Any married person would say that?
Does the author realize that a marriage that lasts involves more that just sex? Does the author realize that love involves more than just sex?
The love between a husband and wife involves attraction, yes, but also friendship, companionship, shared viewpoints on some issues, acceptance of differences. It is something that evolves over duration of the marriage.
Using myself and my marriage as an example: There are times when my wife and I are all over eachother like rabbits. There are other times when we go a little while without much 'hanky-panky.' During those times, we are no longer in love?
How this article wasn't retracted is beyond me.
Do i love the person? Do I love the lifestyle that the marriage will bring me? Marriage is about falling in love with the life that the marriage is expected to bring. What do I love more? the lifestyle or the person? Both lifestyle and person will change over time; as will myself. I will change over time and my preferences will change too. Its a thought provoking topic...thanks
But now Im in love and all my emotions have come to surface.
His too, he says he really loves me.
Trouble is, I notices he drinks an awful lot.
Right when he gets home EVERYDAY after work (Mon-Sun) at least 8 beers or more.
Definately way way more on the weekends too. He works on weekends too but only til two pm.
He forgets a lot of things (like my birthday even though I remind him right up to the night before)
His buddies drink too and they are over a lot for the free beer.
I don't live with him so I don't say much and I refuse to be a nag.
This is cr0shing me.
The only way to make a marriage "last" is if both people make it last. Sadly, there are no guarantees for that, not even the vows we say.
Is love just some magical potion which gives butterflies in our stomach or exciting intimate moments? Does destiny assign one SOUL MATE for each person? No. You choose him. BEING IN LOVE may be great at the start but it cannot be that which binds you because yes, it does not last forever.
A successful marriage counselor, defined love not as a FEELING but a DECISION that we affirm every day. If the success of marriage hinges on something outside ourselves, a fleeting feeling, then surely we are deluding ourselves.
I come from the Philippines where divorce is not an option. You are forced to keep your "spouse" but then who knows, you may just get to like what you choose and explore his redeeming qualities. There will be challenges and difficulties, but you will have to work it out and exhaust all means before you walk out the door. There is no easy escape clause.
I have been married for 20 years and will be married to the same man for all my life as long as I choose it. It is really your choice. Your decision. Good luck to us all!
Another tip: Do not make your marriage and your spouse the sole source of your happiness. Make yourself happy; don't wait for the marriage to make you happy.
Then you also have this person in your space all the time. Oh my goodness with all of their bad habits and ugliness.
Don't get me wrong, I want to be married one day, but I don't know if it will necessarily be for love, I think it will probably be with the person that I think I can have the most fun with.
'Love' is not always 'fun', it also can come with a lot of drama which I absolutely hate --then you have the bad emotions like ridiculous jealousy, possessiveness, censorship --basically prison.
Yet I do hope to find the 'one' each and everyday...I'm very curious to see who it's going to be
I was merely saying that to be stuck with one person in my life would be daunting and I would want to make sure that would be somebody who wouldn't bore me.
I am not married and I am not sad, I spend time with people who I enjoy and when I don't enjoy them anymore I move on.
Marriage is different, there is commitment to think about -- even if you are bored to tears.
I am not sure what your point is based on what I wrote.
I am a Christian, I believe in marriage, I wonder how that would work for me based on my personality. I am not concerned about somebody being my everything, I am concerned about being BORED. What about that didn't you get?
By the way I don't agree with what you said about those who stay long in marriages -- that would mean that everybody had the same needs and is fulfilled in the same way. There are many married couples joined at the hip. Different strokes for different folks...again it has nothing to do with what I was saying.