It's a tough time to be a dad.
Years ago, the dad role was pretty easy to slide into -- he went to work every day to support his wife and kids, reprimanded the kids at night if they were naughty, and mowed the lawn, washed the car and manned the barbecue on the weekends.
If he managed to do that, he was a "good father."
"Good fathers" look a lot different today; they're not only expected to financially support their family, but also actively care for their kids.
Judging by the media images of smiling men carrying babies in Snuglis as they fold the laundry and articles declaring "the age of dads as full partners in parenting has arrived," it's easy to believe all men have easily made that transition.
That image isn't quite accurate, or so say Oregon State University professor Richard A. Settersten Jr. and assistant professor Doris Cancel-Tirado in their comprehensive study, "Fatherhood as a Hidden Variable in Men's Development and Life Courses," which was published in Research in Human Development.
"Traditional roles have expanded to include greater responsibilities as nurturers and care providers, yet these demands are increasingly difficult to achieve, particularly in light of changes in the structure of families and in the economy."
We all know what an "ideal dad" looks like -- he's married, invested and present in the lives of his children, living with his family, and employed in full-time stable work with good pay and benefits. But a number of changes in society have made that kind of father increasingly rare, the authors note. The result is that fathers are being divided into "good" dads -- the men who are able to provide all that -- and "bad" dads. And it's a growing divide.
Never before have there been so many factors influencing what we define as a family: divorce, births to unmarried moms and choice moms, multipartner fertility, stepfathers, single-parent households, gay and lesbian families, teenage fathers and do-over dads, foster and adoptive fathers, transnational and transracial families, single and custodial fathers, and custodial grandparents. Yet a good number of those fathers face poverty and discrimination, and don't have the same legal protections as married fathers or even the same "family" services and support available to single mothers.
One thing hasn't changed for fathers, however: We still expect them to be the provider, even though there are more two-income families and bread-winning wives. For proof, the authors say, look at what happens to a father during a divorce -- his financial support is valued more than any other type of involvement, including how much time he spends with his kids. For some reason, dads still matter more as an ATM. And the more a man works, the less he may be physically or emotionally available for his children, even while feeling good about providing for them.
Unfortunately, the economic recession has meant many men have been unable to fulfill the breadwinner role. It's hit working-class and working-poor fathers particularly hard, but it's also been stressful for more middle-class dads, who are increasingly finding their safety net slip away. For divorced fathers, the loss of income could jeopardize their relationship with their kids if they are unable to make child support.
While the authors note that the recession is a huge issue, there are other, more disturbing social trends facing men, including the rise of men having children outside of marriage, the increase in men having children with numerous women and the growing numbers of divorced fathers.
Divorce all too often reduces a dad's time with his kids or cuts him out of the picture entirely. But men who have kids outside of marriage, often African-American men and those without college degrees, are even less likely to be involved in their lives than divorced dads, they note.
All of which means that the "new father" so often trumpeted in the media isn't nearly as widespread as we'd like to believe, the professors say. Instead, there are many more fathers today who are vulnerable -- not in the sensitive guy kind of way, but in their ability to be present and provide for their children.
"In aggregate, men are becoming less intensely involved with and committed to children," they write. Instead, the trends suggest "men's family relationships en masse remain relatively fragmented and tenuous."
The ramifications of that are huge; if those trends continue, men may be shut out of social, political and economic issues affecting children's welfare, they warn.
"One cannot help but wonder whether being a good father is becoming a new privilege, as the scaffolds that have supported most fathers erode or vanish, and as they have given way at precisely the same time that expectations have increased. This will undermine the potential positive effects of fatherhood on men's development and life courses. If being a good father has become a privilege, and if most men (and therefore their partners and children) are unable to reap its benefits, it is important to then ask how stronger social institutions and policies might be put into place to support men and fathers."
The authors argue that instead of policies that just strengthen marriage -- which more and more people are questioning, and rejecting, as a valid institution -- we should be supporting all intimate relationships as well as enlarging the legal and social definitions of family to reflect the many types of families we have today. Flex time, job sharing, parity in child support levels and legal benefits for unmarried fathers raising children in committed relationships are among their suggestions. A family isn't just a husband and wife anymore. "(M)any groups of fathers are hurt, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by the restrictive definitions of family embedded in laws and policies," they write.
This Father's Day, let's skip the ties, barbecue tools and other cliché gifts we associate with the day and give dads what they really need -- a loud collective voice that says fatherhood matters. While we're at it, let's write some policies to support that.
Follow Vicki Larson on Twitter: www.twitter.com/OMGchronicles
Child support remains the chief concern of divorce attorneys because women are still earning 73 to 77 cents on the dollar that a man makes. Even if more women are earning and they are earning more, it does not translate to a decline in good fatherhood. Good fatherhood still depends upon roles, partnerships, agreements, forgiveness and responsibility. Unemployment figures didn't change this, it just brought back the same sort of actions boys acting like men tried during the Great Depression. When the tough got going, the boy became a hobo and left.
You don't have to OWN each other. You don't have to DOMINATE each other. You simply have to LOVE and RESPECT one another.
It's time to grow up and take responsibility.
Still substantially true, but it's nice to see that an American woman "gets it".
Children need two parents now more than ever.
It is a feminist myth that the failures of single mama homes are attributable to less cash.
We changed. Now it's your turn.
So now you are punished for being the provider and not the nurturer. Sucks doesnt it. I wish society didnt hate it's citizens so much.
Fathers have one type of pressure and mothers another type. Sucky thing is we BOTH lose.
Or when alimony and child support are more than 100% of a guy's income and the guy gets put in jail for non-payment.
Or when mommy is a drug using prostitute but somehow the state still awards her FULL and SOLE custody of the children.
"Dad" is nothing but a personal ATM machine these days, for both mommy and the kids. Marriage has become the ultimate fleecing scam.
Men who "do the right thing" and marry their women with the idea of caring for them and their children are the ones who are treated the worst by the system. Paternity fraud is institutional in the United States.
In some states, you can be named and forever be the father of a child without ever having had sex with a woman. The worst state for this this state sanctioned fraud is California. All a woman has to do is name a man as the father of the child, she gives a bogus address for him (usually her relative) the court sends out paperwork to him at that address, and when he doesn't respond after 30 days, he is forever the father of the child with full child support obligations, and not even DNA evidence can set him free from it, no matter if it takes food from his own children's mouths.
Also - in many states, male victims of pedophilia have to pay child support to their rapists. California is one of them. If a woman seduces a male child and conceives a child with him, her victim's parents and later her victim will pay child support to her, perhaps for up to 26 years.
It's worse than you think. In addition to male victims of pedophilia, elderly invalids have ben dunned for child support after being assaulted by their female caregivers.
Heterosexuals have children for the same reason they get married: THEY CAN. No more thought goes into the creation of new life than goes into the public declaration, often in the name of God, of a commitment for life to another person. Some churches require premarital counselling. But beyond that, not much else happening.
As a society, we don't require any preparation for parenthood. You need a penis, a vagina, and an opportunity. You don't require counselling, financial stability, or even a job. you don't have to like children.
Our society is mired in materialism and entitlement. Living beyond your means is an American pasttime. Dad works two jobs and doesn't see his children because WE NEED THAT 60 INCH TV. we need phones with data plans, premium cable, video games. We need that week in Hawaii not a local state park. I'm buying a hummer, not a corolla, because we need it to protect against unlikely occurrences. I'll work two hours from home to own a home that I can't afford. Decisions are made not according to financial well being, but to what feels good.
As we gay people can tell you from our struggles, your marriage and family are not disposable items. What always amazes me is the durability of so many gay relationships, despite all of the forces aligned to trear them apart, and the fragility of so many hetero relationships, despite the forces aligned to keep them together.
Oh, that';s right. NOM only exists to keep gay people from marrying, not to help any actual marriages.
I agree with you whole-heartedly. Society has seen a shift for fathers. It is spoken from the top levels of our society, namely the President himself. While we all know it is right to be a mother, everyone now sees fatherhood as a privilege. Rights cannot be taken away, privilege can, and is at an alarming rate. Unless we understand that fathers have a RIGHT to be a father, just as mothers have the RIGHT to be a mother, we'll continue to see a society push fathers to the side, removing their so-called "privilege," while chastising them for not being more involved.
Andrea Dworkin has won. Men are completely subjigated.
"I could really care less about dads' rights or moms' rights," said Espinoza, 41. "But when you look at the research and the effect it has on children, how could anyone not take note of that? It's time for equal time and equal custody."
Over the past three years, he has worked with state lawmakers, judges, lawyers, university researchers and activists to change Arizona divorce and custody laws.
In 2010, Espinoza successfully pushed to change Arizona law to state that, unless there is evidence of domestic violence or drug use, it is in the child's best interest to have "substantial, frequent, meaningful and continuing parenting time with both parents."
A law he helped pass this year, which goes into effect in January, further encourages joint parenting, including requiring the court to adopt a plan that "maximizes" both parents' time with the child and forbids the court from giving one parent preference based on the parent's or child's gender.
"It's equal," Espinoza said. "A child deserves to have both parents."
A small step forward to undo feminist bigotry that has been harming children nationwide for decades.
http://www.startribune.com/politics/statelocal/153865075.html