Some people like their eggs over easy. I prefer mine... over. No, really. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only woman in her early 30s in New York City focusing on a job, passion, friends, volunteer work and travel without one tiny thing on that checklist currently marked as "to do... later?"
That tiny thing I'm talking about is a baby. It's born with toenails and eyelashes and makes people all over the world lose their breath and finally know what real love feels like.
Well, guess what. I know what real love feels like. I've fed a fawn at the zoo. The love and connection I felt with that baby deer couldn't be less strong than one a mother shares with a newborn baby that has just been put in her arms.
Okay, all kidding aside -- let's be honest.
Not everyone wants children and I am one of those people. Over the past few years, this desire to not have kids has grown and germinated inside me as other woman grow and germinate offspring. My friends, family and the world around me continue to grow more and more upset with my choice, questioning my decision (or lack thereof). They would put me on a tribunal if they could, cross-examining me until I cracked.
Let's not underestimate the amount of convincing I've endured:
"But it says here, in a 1988 journal entry written in the Berkshires, that you couldn't wait to be a mom."
"I was eight-years-old then. I was at camp. It said I couldn't wait to go HOME."
"You know why you were at a nice camp in the mountains? Because you had parents who cared. Why wouldn't you want to carry that tradition on?"
"If they cared so much why did they leave me at a camp I hated?"
"But you held your friend's baby with such ease. You'd be a great mom."
"I held it because it was put in my arms against my will and I didn't want it to get a concussion. I'd be the first person they'd blame. I was smiling because it's my way of showing I'm angry. I show angry well. When I'm sad I laugh. When I'm in pain, I make tacos. When I'm confused, I do long division."
"You have such a great sense of humor. I bet your children would, too. Don't worry, you'll find a guy."
There's really no winning. The way people react when you tell them you do not want to reproduce is enough to make you think you are offending every fiber of their being. But on a good note, I am getting more and more confident about my horrendous, selfish and inexcusable choice of not having children.
Here are five signs you know you don't want children. You can embrace this at any age and any stage of your life:
1. You beg your doctor for an infertility test and hope that the results come back doomed.
2. You notice/prefer people's dogs over their babies -- and don't hide it.
3. There is a pacifier in your house but it's from a 1995 rave in Providence.
4. When someone texts you a picture of their baby, you fall asleep.
5. You hang pictures of baby clothes on your closet... to inspire yourself to fit into them.
Well, with all that being said, maybe I'll adopt one day, when I'm 45 and my eggs really are... over. Can't wait!
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PS- If you ever meet someone who doesnt have children, try not to ask why. They may not be able to. And that would be awkward for you :-)
I'm too busy trying to save the planet to want to cancel out all of my efforts and then some by having....a baby, LOL!!
Here comes the question, apropos of nothing, "Do you have any children?"
I said "Nope, never."
She said "Maybe someday."
I said "I never have and I never will."
She got a twinkle in her eye, and smiled, and said "Never say never!"
I said "Okay, I won't say 'never'. Instead I'll say 'surgically impossible'."
The conversation IMMEDIATELY went back to political matters.
Frankly, the idea of focusing on a career and having a lifetime of multiple partners sounds very depressing.
Of course birth rates go down when you punish people financially for having kids.
Duh.
As for people making rude comments, I've always liked this line: "I really prefer dogs. They're easier to train and you don't have to send them to college." And then I smile. People will either laugh and the conversation will veer off into the cost of college, or the person will be shocked and have nothing to say, and that will be that...
Which occasionally involved fighting off wolves and definitely involved exploration, problem solving, muscle building, and exercise highs.
Then we spent 10 thousand years post-agriculture as skilled specialists providing the entire species with all the textiles, rope, pottery, soap, candles, dyes, beer, spirits, preserved food, etc that we consumed. Every woman was a home-based entrepreneur pursing her craft and trading her excess for what she didn't make herself. Since we were now home based, the communal childcare tradition died. Instead babies were cribbed, daughters worked with their moms to learn her trade and sons went with fathers to learn his trade as soon as they could fetch/carry.
Then the machines came and took our jobs leaving us nothing to do in the house. And father's were told they could no longer take their sons to work.
It is time to return to communal childcare. Free. All hours.
It's the funniest thing...if they're married, they all seem to think that's funny!
Which says a lot. Apparently I made the right choice, LOL.
One will unconditionally love you and are waayy less maintenance;)
Not to mention they cost less in food.
And training them costs way less than college ;)
Now I really want a dog.
I think it's great for people who don't want children to not have them. I also think it's rude to push them to have kids. At the same time, I don't think people who say rude or insensitive things are defensive or jealous. I think it's usually just stupidity and sometimes wanting to help you have something that enriched their life.
And I think sometimes it's in response to the way people talk about why they don't have children.
When someone says they're doing it for the environment, it's natural for a parent to disagree and say why they think it's okay to have kids anyway. (It also suggests that you actually want children so if they could show you that it won't hurt the environment, you'll be happier.)
When someone says they don't want to give up their career, travel, money, time, etc. it does sound selfish.
And if you say you're afraid of losing out in your career or that you don't want to have your marriage ruined or lose yourself, it sounds like maybe you would really like to have a child, but you just think parenting is worse than it is. Again, a friend might think they should reassure you.
If you say you don't like kids, well, you can't expect people who love their own children more than life to like you.
It's a difficult situation and I think both sides can be insensitive without meaning to.
Motherhood is great when someone else is doing the icky bits.
Interestingly, the best way to do this is to focus on your career. So it works out.
But then, it's not surprising a woman scientist would discover that, and partially and brilliantly debunk Darwin!
Riddle me this. Why does homosexuality exist?
One of the best theories is the "gay aunt/uncle" hypothesis. A bloodline that produces the occasional drone ( non-reproductive worker ) has more resources per child as the non-reproductive adult is still helping out with the families children. Their children are more likely to survive and thrive with the additional time/wealth.
The use of the word "drone" there being very specific to invoke ant and bee hives where the vast majority of the females are non-reproducing in what is clearly the result of evolution. Now since our reproductive capacity is vastly smaller than a bee or ant's we clearly won't have as many drones as they do. But a few are a good thing.
Remember dear, Momma nature doesn't care how many live children you bear. She cares how many survive to adulthood to reproduce in turn. She'd rather I have two kids that are strong and healthy than four that are sickly and stunted from hunger - two of which die before puberty.
We do not necessarily need drones, specifically as the homosexual members of the family, because in most cases other members (e.g. grand parents) add resources too. Not all families have homosexual aunts/uncles, and that alone is not a deficiency.
I don't think I can tell you why homosexuality exists. That's an interesting topic too. Is it genetic or not? I personally doubt it's genetic, because I assume not many homosexual individuals reproduce and pass on their genes. So it might me something else. Do you have a call on that?
But I don't think having kids is for everyone. It's unfortunate parents, friends, and families put so much pressure on their children (esp women) to have kids if they don't want any.
Right now, I want kids, but the time isn't right yet. I'm so busy with my career that I can't imagine having kids until I'm in my mid 30s. It may be too late at that point, but I'm hoping it won't be. If it is too late, though, I'm not looking forward to all of the negative talk from my family about how I missed my opportunity, when I'll already be secretly devastated.