The Five Worst Comedy Shows I've Ever Done (And That Have Done Me)

03/15/2013 05:17 pm ET | Updated May 15, 2013

"Comedy Ain't Pretty" a wise woman once said.

Why wasn't I raised to listen to wise women?

Here are the top five worst experiences I've ever had on stage. Ever. Let's start with the fifth least painful and get more painful as the list goes on:

5. Within my first five months of doing comedy, I did a spot on a New Talent show that was at 4 pm on a Saturday. The host didn't show up (because he knew better) so we were going up one after the other like a bunch of confused sheep. The guy who went first didn't have a good set so he gracefully got off the stage in this manner: "F-ck you and your families. Up next: Vicky Kuperman." I got up and completely blanked. I decided to try new material for seven minutes about Politics and Islam. Finally, the host clapped me off stage. And by "clapped", I mean "pushed." The comedian I had been chummy with prior to going up just patted me on the shoulder and said "Ya did fine. Whatever. It's just seven minutes of your life. And their life. And our life. It's fine. Ya did fine." and moved seven seats away from me. The Producer of the show didn't talk to me for three weeks.

4. I opened for an X-Rated Ventriloquist in a hotel in Central New Jersey on a Spring day in 2008. 300 excited audience members there to see him. 300 pissed off audience members there to stare at me blankly with venom and anger. One guy threw up in his mouth a little from the disgrace he felt that somebody who he deemed as untalented as he deemed me could embarrass herself and think she belonged there. Afterward, I had to kill time with the ventriloquist and friends in a basement in NJ and the ventriloquist's fans tried to dissect where exactly I went wrong in my 20-minute set. They concluded that I went wrong when I decided to start stand-up comedy. They then drove me to the bus station on the highway at 1 am and I ran for the bus on a sprained ankle. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up the next morning clutching a bottle of whiskey and a picture of my grandmother.

3. I bombed so badly at a Firehouse fundraiser that I think the people of Afghanistan ran for cover. To add insult to injury, the Producer fell asleep and forgot to give me the light to indicate I had two-minute left and I ended up doing 15 extra minutes. The women in the bathroom were actually angry at me when they saw me come out of the stall. I can still feel their fists hitting my cheekbone. The Producer of the show pulled me aside afterward and before paying me my $50 (with an incredibly regretful sigh) he gave me a 10-minute speech which can be summed up in eight words: "If you suck, get off stage. And quit."

2. I was assaulted by a tourist at an open mic close to five years ago. He tried to bitch-kick me off the stage. He came at me with a can of Pepsi as a weapon. I tried to finish my set but he started screaming that he would beat me up. I tried to click my heels three times to get out of this nightmare but he took that as an invitation that the fight was ON. Finally, the host split us apart and I ran out of the room crying. I never saw him again. Because I killed him.

1. Coos Bay, Oregon. Two shows in one night. A casino. Mill workers. 90% men who were over 65. Me as the feature. No host. 30 minutes up front. I led with Russian and Jewish material. I will say no more. Except for this: The headliner of the show and I spent the next day and a half together in his car and he spent the majority of it telling me I wasn't funny and didn't know what I was thinking. Meanwhile, nobody's heard his name in years. Because I killed him.

Want to try Comedy? Really? There's other ways to see if your tear ducts work and how your body reacts to pills.

Thanks for your pity! I need it.

Come see the drama at my comedy shows:
My drama/comedy schedule