Women Should Beware the Male Spinster

For some reason, in the last week or so I've had a series of lunches and dinners with friends who are male, single, over 35 and never-married. Men like this were traditionally labelled playboys, a term implying they possessed a rakish charm and a wariness of settling.

New York is full of them, since this is the town where men come to get rich and consider dating an unserious pastime. Young, nubile women outnumber men here by far, so casual sex is absurdly easy to come by.

In 1980, US census figures showed six per cent of men over 40 never married; now 16 per cent are in that position. So does this merely reinforce the notion that there is no need for men to rush into matrimony?

Au contraire. According to the new issue of men's magazine Details, such men should be aware that women increasingly don't buy the "I've just never found the right woman" line from any man over 35.

In fact, women have a new term for these men: they are not playboys, they are "male spinsters" -- a moniker that implies at best that these men have "issues" and at worst that they are sociopaths.

Since reading this, I've listened to my single male friends with new interest. I've noticed that before you've even ordered the appetiser they always bring up their love lives -- and when they do, their conversation is comic and pitiable.

From one: "Sex with no strings attached is just great; we both know we're just having fun."
(I thought: how little you know about women.) Or, as another put it: "Once I've had sex with one woman, it's a bit like unwrapping a present -- there isn't any point doing it again." I told him there's a name for that: sex addiction.

One fears for these men, just as society has traditionally feared for the single woman. They cannot see how lonely they will be. The term "male spinster" is entirely appropriate.
But in time to ease my anxiety, a British friend came through town. He's 30, absurdly handsome and just dumped a celebrity he was dating.

"I realised everything was on her terms. I couldn't see a future like that. I want to get married," he said. Finally. A worthwhile man. "You've got five years," I told him, "before you need to worry about becoming a spinster."

This article was originally published by the London Evening Standard

Comments

[MikeDu]

Some months ago a study came out saying 50% of all women were currently unmarried. The highest proportion ever. At the time it was lauded as the new "independent woman" come of age. A similar proportion of men were also unmarried (a slightly smaller percentage due to an unfortunate habit we have of dropping dead younger). This group, unlike theose "independent women "is now being labeled potential sociopaths! I find that personally insulting. Why am I unmarried at my age, you ask? I recently looked back and realized with some surprise that every woman I've been involved with turned out to have been juggling someone else at the same time. Have you ever been dragged out to the malls comparison shopping with a woman? What the woman is doing in the dressing rooms with the clothing is the the same as she's doing with you.

[nootrope]

Women are conditioned by the society to compete amongst themselves for the most "desirable" male -- fundamentally translated to the one who makes the most money. Men are therefore conditioned to compete amongst themselves for the jobs that pay the most money so they will be more "attractive" to the women who are competing for them. That's how things are designed to work in a capitalist society, to ensure a large pool of workers who are willing to be exploited for their labor.

If all men looked like Brad Pitt, there would be no capitalism. Men wouldn't have to work for women to be attracted to them. They could just sit around all day, and the woman would basically flock to them. Since all men don't look like Brad Pitt, they need to work to get money to attract women, because the bottom line is that is what women have been conditioned to be attracted to: money, power, status, etc.

If you talk to men from more progressive, "socialized" countries than the US, like France, countries in Scandinavia, etc. you'll hear the same thing about American women from all of them: American women are comparatively highly materialist, emotionally underdeveloped basically selfish "me first" spider women. That's how they've been conditioned to be so that capitalism can function. That materialistic orientation forces the male to have to compete in the marketplace to get wages, goods, etc. to attract the women.

(continued)

[nootrope]

(cont.)

This is also why the divorce laws in the US are so heavily skewed toward the woman: it further incentivizes them to go after the wealthy "successful" men, because if it doesn't work out, well hey, at least there's a pretty good payoff there. So that just feeds into the entire structure and strengthens the basic dynamic.

In less corporatized, more socialistic and humanistic societies, the male is not required to be exploited so much for his labor, and therefore women are not conditioned so much toward materialism and using earning potential as a standard of male "attractiveness." That leads to a much saner and more relaxed culture and society, without all the brutal competition fostered on both genders by the conditioning required to serve the capitalist corporate structure.

[singermuse]

I have to say that I have known a few of these "male spinsters". Several of them have been good friends of mine. They were neither sociopaths nor carrying the baggage of "issues", and they wanted to find love and get married. But they were single because they didn't have the "fat wallet" or perfect appearance that so many women (just like some men) seem to see as prime priorities. After being rejected so much many of these men just give up, just like some women do. The pseudo culture we are living in makes it increasingly harder for good people to connect. Looks and money aren't everything, but for some people (of both genders) they seem to be the only things. Also, with the extremely high divorce rate in this country, marriage may not be all it's cracked up to be either. Perhaps in time we'll become a more authentic society, and people can just be themselves, single or not.

[JohnnyRivers]

BEWARE -- I AM A MALE SPINSTER

Can't we all just get along... For 3 months?

Without a burning desire to "raise" children -- I see no upside of legally binding myself to a delicious beautiful intelligent sex kitten that I will eventually grow into a festering liability and royal pain in the a$$.

[RobinSeattle]

First, minding one's own business is a virtue.

Secondly, different people have different definitions of happiness and snearing, petty and overweening articles such as this one are no doubt born out of envy of the free man by those who are stuck in marriages whose expiration date has long passed and where the only exit is through a courtroom. It is like the old joke you hear from comedians: he should be miserable like the rest of us [by getting married]. No thanks.

After breaking up a three year relationship, I have dropped out of the dating market because I want to be selfish with my time. I have a lot of different interests, a web site to tend to and I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone other then myself. And I cannot be happier.

Now maybe somewhere down the road I might want to start dating again, but then again, maybe not. My life is mine and I don't owe it to anyone else to live it a certain way in order to submit to their absurdly outsized control freak tendencies.

[diwdeesmom]

Hi Rob in Seattle,

I feel compassion for your situation. You should be yourself for sure, and live your life the way that makes you happy.

I hope that someday you find someone who can support you in that and live their life with your support in parallel. That way you can lift each other up, rather than push each other down with selfishness and controlling tendencies. I think that a good relationship with the right person is about letting go of your individual egos, and allowing them to merge into one. Everyone wants control, just give it up once (when you can bear to), and in return, ask for it another time.

Sitting behind your computer for too long isn't good for you. (But it is fun- I need to log off this thing!) Try to be even happier and let go of your past bitterness. Let it pass over you like a stream over a pebble. I wish you the best of life for your future. There are some wonderful women out there, just ask my husband ; )

I am going to take my own advice and go work out! Wish me luck on my first 5K this Saturday to raise money for breast cancer. Help if you can with your tax deductible donation, for the girls (and boys too)!

https://www.lizhurleyribbonrun.org/donate.php

Peace and Love
Obama Biden '08

[Ellie P]

This article fits exactly to what my mother said to me years ago. If a man hasn't grown up and had a serious long-term relationship by the time he's 30 chances are they never will. Please notice my mother didn't say marriage my mom said long-term relationship as in longer then 2 years.
I don't feel that marriage is necessary but relationships are important, it shows that they are willing to commit. I find it creepy when I'm asked out by a "male spinster" I can just tell that they just want to be players.
E

[holyfrak]

Look, the truth is, finding someone special is hard enough, staying with them is even more difficult for many reasons. For one thing, most so called "spinster" guys I know don't see the point of constantly compromising (pretty much the key to staying together) when you can always move on to someone else. If you live in LA like I do (or any big city), there is no shortage of young, beautiful women who think men their own age are a bunch of unwashed morons (this trumps the older never married guy is not normal thing). The older guy has money, doesn't act stupid (to a girl in her 20's), and appreciates having a young woman. The mid-twenty something knows this, loves it, and usually finds support for her decision among her friends.

But really, the so called male spinster described in the article is certain of one thing. When he gets tired of always finding someone new, when he just can't keep up with the 25 year old hotties anymore, there will always be a 35, 37, or 38 year old woman whose biological clock is ticking very loud that will be available to him. He could be 48, 50, or older. In the end, both get what they want.

So feel sorry for the male spinster if you want to. Just know you're only making yourselves feel better, because he doesn't care what you think. Especially when miss twenty-something is wearing no clothes.

[everythingelse]

The only men of 50 who can count on regularly dating younger women are either rich, have high social status, or are exceptionally good-looking.

I also live in Los Angeles, and at my former place of employment (a media company) there were a number of male spinsters... ordinary-looking, middle-class, and utterly single. They made me realize that there is a window of opportunity for men, too... a biological clock, if you will... and if they miss the window, they are unlikely to find a woman of child-bearing age with which to mate.

At least in this town, which is the ne plus ultra of a (wildly deregulated) biological free market economy...

[emh]

wow - what a grand attitude toward women. objectification, misogyny, sex with a "hottie" as the ultimate (or only) value in life. and this is pretty much precisely what seems to be not only prevalent but celebrated these days. there is no value placed on women as people, no appreciation for the joys and hardships of commitment that make it a rich and deep experience that makes life and society more complex and stable. it's shocking that our society is so f'd up...

[Son Of Cain]

Objectification and misandry of men is common place and even "invisible" in plain sight.

Welcome to what men experience quite often, and yet are not supposed to protest or complain.

[alguien]

so glad to know that since i haven't found the right one that it makes me either a sociopath or someone with issues.

my life will be so much easier to understand now.

[MorpheusXNYC]

This article paints all men 35 and over who aren't married with a too broad brush.

I'm 35 and have never been married (though I was engaged once in my late 20s), but I was in a 6+ year relationship that ended several months ago, so it's not as if I've been jetsetting around the world sleeping with celebutantes in the early 20s.

Economically speaking, marriage and families are harder to raise these days and the more responsible of us are looking to have our careers and our finances intact so we can provide a stable home for any wife and children we might have. More of us spend time working, making money, saving up, investing, struggling with our start up businesses or professional careers in order to create that nest.

So sue us if we've hit 35 and still haven't arrived at that point in this Bush economy.

[JudyMillerDubyaAgent]

Defensive, much? :)

[JimR]

Most people are defensive when attacked.

What if a man wrote an article declaring that all women over 40 who have never been married are man-hating closet lesbians?

[Landgeek]

Hmmm, as a late 30 something divorced single mom, I can see both sides of this coin. The last two relationships I was in (one serious, the other not so much) were with men that could easily be the "Male spinster". Yep, both of them had some serious issues with womenm were over 40 and had never married...but I don't want to believe that ALL men over the age of 35 who haven't ever married would fall into that catergory. I think there are probably just as many men my age who have had a string of horrible relationships with women and they might be gun shy. There are probably a ton of reasons why...

I can now say that after the one horrible verbally abusive relationship I was in, ithe experience pretty much turned me off of any sort of marriage in my future. Given that, I wonder what sort of label I would get? Interesting...

[VoteforPedro]

About a year ago the government released stats showing that for the first time 50% of adults are single. ill now they have always been the minority.

So why engage in misandry and the bashing of all single people?

[VoteforPedro]

Marriage is highly over-rated. Just try to find a man who is happy after 10 years of marriage. They are as rare as hen's teeth.

Is the writer going to accuse the desperate Sex & the City chicks of the same problems?

My bet is "no".

[TheNuff]

Humm...those that have responded so far seem a bit defensive. Probably for good reason. I just got rid of a male spinster. I find this article to be dead on.

[BrianMac]

Maybe some people take offense to being painted with a broad brushstroke.

[martymartymarty]

Why is it that if someone chooses to live their life unmarried you assume they will end up "lonely"? There are myriad other ways to be "lonely" and perhaps even more ways to not be, none of which necessitate matrimony. I know you are trying to show that the old stereotype of a spinster can also apply to unmarried men of a certain age, but your article seems to assume that anyone unmarried rues their life choices. I am not sure that is even frequently the case. I would take someone deliberately unmarried any day over someone who has married multiple times just to avoid being "lonely". Not everyone needs to be (or should be) married and not everyone who has not married are wishing that they had.

[justjohn]

RE: 'For some reason, in the last week or so I've had a series of lunches and dinners with friends who are male, single, over 35 and never-married. Men like this were traditionally labelled playboys, a term implying they possessed a rakish charm and a wariness of settling.'

Gee, thanks for defining me. I'm in my fifties and don't get out much, andI hadn't gotten around to doing it for myself. Too much reading and music production, I guess.

And hey, as you say about these guys you complain about, they're YOUR friends.