*Doug's face was lit up like that of a child at Christmas. He was so alive and animated and excited. I'd never seen him like that before.
In fact, usually when we were talking, he was expressing frustration and discontent with his job and how he felt trapped by his financial obligations. Not that he was a negative guy. He wasn't. He just felt stuck in what he thought was a no-win situation.
I met Doug when I was working as a contract recruiter at a manufacturing company. He was one of the production managers there, and, quite bluntly, he hated his job.
He wanted out of that place, but he had a spouse, a home and small children. He made a good salary, and he felt that to be a responsible husband and father, he had to stay in that role that he hated -- even though he was miserable most of the time.
But on this particular day, he was anything but miserable! In fact, he was quite the opposite. He was full of passion and joy.
Once when I'd asked Doug what he would do if he wasn't afraid or if he wasn't worried about money, he knew instantly -- he'd have his own landscape design business. Doug loved designing and planting landscapes. It was truly his passion.
That conversation was what led to this moment. Doug had mentioned that he had a portfolio full of designs he'd created. I told him I'd love to see it, and now here we were flipping through the pages with him showing me his gorgeous designs and drawings while excitedly explaining every shrub, tree and plant to me in exquisite detail.
Unfortunately, Doug never did leave his hated job to pursue his dream of becoming a landscape designer. It felt too risky to him to give up the sense of security he had at the manufacturing company.
Sadly, over the nearly 20 years I spent in recruiting, I met many people who felt exactly like Doug. They were business leaders, peers, colleagues, co-workers, hiring managers, etc. Somehow, we'd end up in these conversations about how their jobs were ok at best, or downright torture, at worst, yet so many felt they were trapped because of their financial or family obligations.
Some, like Doug, knew exactly what their true passions were. But most had no idea what they would do if they could slip out of the "golden handcuffs" in which they felt trapped.
This sense of feeling trapped in a job for which we have no passion is actually fairly common. And it happens to us so subtly.
Here in the U.S., the "prescription" for success goes something like this: You must go to college and major in a field where you can secure a good, high-paying job. After graduation, you must work hard to move up the corporate ladder. Along the way, you'll meet a nice guy or gal, and get married, settle down, buy a nice house, and have 2.5 perfect children and live happily ever after.
This formula is given to us by our culture, and by well-meaning parents, family members, professors, etc. They tell us this because it was told to them. And they really do want us to be happy.
Except there's one problem -- many of us aren't living happily ever after. Many of us have jobs, bosses or careers we really hate. And often this leaves us feeling as if our very soul is being sucked right out of us.
This feeling of going to the prison that we call "work" every day can take a toll on us in a myriad of ways. It can damage our health, and can cause us to do things like overspending or drinking too much all in an effort to make ourselves feel better.
What can we do when we find ourselves, like Doug and the countless others I met, in this predicament? Here are some of the steps I share with my coaching clients in this situation:
1)Acknowledge the truth of the situation. Allow ourselves to admit that we are unhappy. Just saying it often releases some pressure.
2)Remember that we actually do have a choice! We can reframe the way we think about the situation -- from, "I am trapped in this miserable job," to "I am choosing to do this for now because it allows me to support my family." This reframe alone can move us from victim mentality to being in our power.
3)Explore. What do we love to do? What truly lights us up? What is our passion? For those who think they have no passion, I promise you do. It's likely you've just lost touch with that part of yourself. To rediscover your passion, allow yourself to explore the things to which you are naturally drawn. Start to explore your interests during your free time. If you do land on something you'd want to do professionally, then you can take the next step, which leads to...
4)Create a plan. For me, when I realized I had done everything in my corporate career that I had wanted to do, and I knew that my true calling was to be a coach, I created a plan that included getting trained to be a coach, saving money for my "freedom fund" while I kept my day job, and starting my coaching practice as a side gig until I was in the financial position to make the leap to coaching full-time.
We don't have to change everything at once and put our family's financial security at risk. Nor do we have to stay trapped in a job or career that makes us miserable. Planning, fueled by a passion for something we truly love, can lead us to our own version of the American Dream.
*Name has been changed to protect the subject's identity.