One of the most misguided concepts divorced couples with children have is that they will actually be able to get divorced. Even after the legal dissolution and remarriage, ex-spouses who have children together will always be those children's parents. Parenting decisions have to be made, schools and extracurriculars have to be chosen, homework has to be monitored and transferred between houses.
Co-parenting is dramatically altered through parental alienation, mental illness, or abuse. But most exes don't have divorces this extreme. And while they may hate each other, and be bitter about the circumstances of the break-up or the way the settlement went down, they still comprise a family for their children -- albeit, a family that is reconfigured.
While it may be unthinkable early on that contentious co-parents could both attend a child's graduation, wedding, or participate as involved grandparents, doing those things becomes likelier as years pass.
Which is why working through anger, honoring the terms of the divorce agreement and creating consistency in both households is crucial for the well-being of the children.
What's Possible When Children Come First
An example: a man I know was devastated to learn that his wife of 20 years was leaving him for another man. She wanted to move from Los Angeles to Boston -- with their twin daughters -- where she had family, better job opportunities and the man she had fallen in love with. Guess what the husband did? He moved back to Boston as well, where he also had family, got a job, and a home close to his ex and daughters. They now have an amicable divorce and an enviable co-parenting relationship.
I realize some readers may be apoplectic at this point. I am not advocating that exes pull up stakes and relocate for the sake of an ex-spouse who strayed. Clearly, this is an unusual situation and one that was only possible because the ex-husband had a job and extended family waiting for him back east. But I mention this case because it is a remarkable example of what's possible when divorced parents shelve their anger and put their children first.
Exes must realize that their actions towards the other parent impact that parent's household. If you are consumed with resentment toward your ex, it is imperative that you work through your feelings in therapy rather than take them out on your former partner. If you make life hell for your ex, you also make life hell for your children.
Following are two common ways exes get back at their children's other parent. For the sake of clarity, I have made these examples gender-specific, but they can be employed by both men and women.
Trying to Control What Goes on in the Other Parent's House
Mothers often have difficulty entrusting their ex-husbands with the care of the children. Sometimes this is because they have been stay-at-home-moms who shouldered the bulk of child-rearing. Sometimes this is because they feel that they are more in tune with their children's needs. Sometimes they feel superior for other reasons.
The conviction that mother knows best can lead to intrusive attempts to control what Dad does in his house, like multiple calls to the kids during Dad's timeshare days, interrogating kids about what they did when they were with Dad and frequent e-mails to Dad with copious instructions on the care and feeding of the children.
Unless you have good evidence that Dad is endangering the welfare of the children, stay out of his business! Yes, he may do things differently from you, but he would still be doing those things if you were married. It would be great if you could synchronize all aspects of child-rearing -- meals, bedtime, homework supervision, parenting techniques. Rarely is this possible, however. Although you may believe you are helping Dad and protecting the children, compulsive meddling communicates to both that you feel Dad is incompetent.
While it's often unconscious, this sense of superiority poisons a co-parenting relationship and hurts the children's relationship with the other parent. Do you really want your kids to grow up thinking Dad is a nincompoop, and you're the only parent they should trust? If the answer to this question is "yes," you need to re-tool your approach to child-rearing.
If you don't get a handle on your need to be "the best", you will model competitiveness for your children and give them a blueprint for how to blow up future relationships. Another reason to stop sweeping Dad's side of the street: your kids could end up feeling smothered by your intrusiveness and distance themselves from you over time.
Withholding Child Support
Child support is designed to help the person with less resources -- generally, but not always the ex-wife -- comfortably provide for the children. In a perfect world of equal pay and equal parenting, there would be no child support: exes would scale down their lifestyles in equal measure, be able to afford two homes, and split all the children's expenses equally.
But we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world in which women typically earn less than men, and, if they have been out of the work force for years due to child-rearing, jobs that pay enough to support a family are not readily available to them. And if an ex-wife is working, she is probably paying a hefty portion of her salary in childcare fees.
Some men resent paying child support because they believe their ex-spouses spend the money on expenses that are not child-related. While this is sometimes the case, more often than not the recipient of child support is using that money to feed the kids and keep a roof over their heads. Withholding child support, becoming unemployed in order to modify child support, or simply paying child support late hurts the children. If a mother is stressed out because she doesn't have money to cover rent, the children feel it.
Having two homes doesn't mean you're no longer a family. If you are tinkering with child support by telling yourself your kids will have everything they need -- and more -- with you, you are not acting in the best interest of your children. You are acting from a place of revenge against your ex and you need to work through these feelings so that your children grow up feeling safe and able to enjoy their childhood.
Stop Competing!
Trying to out-parent or undermine your ex are forms of competition. These tactics belong on the sports field or in the business arena, but have no place in family life. Families rife with competition are dysfunctional minefields that wreak havoc on the psyches of their most vulnerable members -- the children.
Your number one job as a divorced parent is to support your kids' relationship and home life with your ex. That means paying court-ordered child support on time, respecting your ex's boundaries, and letting your kids know they don't have to take sides. The greatest gift divorced parents can give their children is the sense that they're still a family.
Follow Virginia Gilbert, MFT on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@VGilbertMFT
Sadly, this kind of co-parenting after divorce is probably the exception rather than the rule. Initially, parents have a hard time getting over the hurt, anger and disappointment of the failed relationship. These emotions often lead to negative behaviors, and in extreme cases, parental alienation. The quicker both parents can move on from the hurt and bitterness of the divorce the better. Not only will they be happier, but they'll be better parents and their children will adjust to the new family dynamics faster.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
Author, A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com
The Federal government should pay states dollars for a system that oversees equal parenting time instead of collecting as much money out of guys, wouldn't that benefit children more? Spend the money for an agency that tracks how much time guys spend with their kids, how much they are involved in school activities, in short, making it MANDATORY that men do these things or face penalties. The same goes for women. Each parent has the state in their lives ensuring they are providing the proper support, not only financially, for their child(ren).
What a NOVEL concept, the government paying money to ensure equal involvement in children's lives with a system that doesn't screw anyone over.
Yeah, right, (slapping myself in face) wake up Tomodachi, you're dreaming.
spouses wont change that easily....using kids as a toll to get to the other, parental alienation etc...
I think that Dad's/father's rights wont evolve fast enough and we should make it a "child's rights"....
to reach equality of time and responsabilities.
mother's right against father's right's we will fight for ever...
let's make it about the kid "Officially" by not pinning dad's against mom's....
But the more equity of time is reached the less money for the lawyers of family law...so we know they wont help...
so who will....
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/virginia-gilbert-mft/co-parenting_b_1540479.html
I was shocked with a divorce when my child was 6 months old and it went into a 6 year battle and a 2 week court case. Dads here were never given crap, however, I won 50/50 lived through going to court to get her into pre-school, speech therapy, parents funeral, father-daughter dance, etc. I have not been dating around, she has with over 12 guys and I have lived through one fondling my child and her refusing to work, trying to break my prenuptial and trying to leave and never let me see child. Now child has IQ over 135 and she says that child is not intelligent and should not be encouraged to study, has refused tutors/help with math issues and refuses to let her bring lap top from my house to hers or her nook from her home to my home to read books, and tells our daughter that I am not a Christain, etc etc. now we are in court again because wants me out of our 11 yo's life who is torn and wants to be with me. I am a child abuser i got her certified as a junior scuba diver, her boater's license, gone snow skiing
1. Divorce is about money.
2. Divorce lawyers set the stage for the divorce -- and divorce is set up to serve the interests of the divorce lawyers rather than the divorcing parties.
Divorce lawyers can use a bad divorce system to manipulate their clients into a "custody battle" that in most cases only the divorce lawyers win -- in the form of higher legal fees.
All it takes is one greedy/selfish and/or personality-disordered divorcing mother to turn a divorce into a gold mine for the divorce lawyers.
For a divorcing mother, having more parenting time means more money -- higher child support payments. In some cases, the divorcing mother may have to get a job if she does not get more parenting time/primary custody.
No matter what a jerk an ex happens to be, no matter who "cheated" on who... avoid hiring FL attorneys. Two lawyers working both ends will "win" only for themselves. IMHO, it's EXTREMELY rare to find Family Law Industrialists who will be truly ethical & concerned about the best interest of a child. Work it out with the ex, find bilateral compromises that are CHILD-focused.
When hate is flying it's not easy to be child-focused. Hire a mediator NOT ORDERED BY THE COURT! They ALL collude in the Family Law INDUSTRY. Find an independent counselor to help the process along. After trusting FL lawyers & the absolutely cor_rupt Courts of Shasta County, my children will not get a college education. I strongly believe the Family Law Industry, enabled by judiciaries & Bar Associations (a bunch of former/current lawyers), thrive on creating poverty in their clients, customers & tax payers.
Today is Day 513 since my child was illegally abducted by Family Law Industrialists - no abuse, no neglect. Just pure retaliation for my civilly speaking out about Family Law Reforms... Good luck, Alan Ernesto Phillips: on Google+ and on YouTube
althepal55 on Twitter
If you want a divorce, don't use your children as a meal ticket or as a way to avoid getting a job.
Divorce changes the family dynamic. You know that when you file for a divorce.
Divorce is bad for children. You also know that when you file for a divorce.
You want a divorce -- go get a divorce. Make yourself independent.
You want to sit at home and cash child support checks while the children's dad works? Where is your self-respect and dignity? What kind of example are you setting for your children.
You want a divorce -- go get a job and support yourself and your children instead of trying to "work" a bad system.
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The only thing to feel bad for with my children is that they spend half of their time with a selfish/greedy divorced mom.