The Week I Didn't Become A Buddhist
I had been living in Burma for several months when I headed over the border to India and north to McLeod Ganj. I was off on one of those Western rites of passage - the Buddhist retreat. The retreat went for ten days. I lasted barely two and the truth is I was at the cold mountain retreat for just two hours before I thought, "I'm an atheist, get me out of here!"
The problem was that is was all so very very dour and I just wanted to keep laughing out loud. Yes I know that for most people the search for enlightenment is serious but I just kept on finding it absurd -which admittedly hardly fit the spirit of why we were there.
To be honest, on my way to north India I was doing some serious mental house keeping about my own world view and had spent quite a bit of time the week before pondering this. The night before the retreat I had a classic "dark night of the soul', where I scared myself witless thinking about deep stuff, and maybe I had enough heavy contemplation for the time being.
Or maybe in the end, I truly am what many Buddhists would call a "closed mind". The retreat had the exact opposite effect on me that it was supposed to: I had over the previous few days and weeks and months hardened into even more of an atheist, believing that pragmatism and actually doing something about situations is more the go. My grandfather had once said to me "greater are the hands that work than are the hands that pray" and it always stuck. When I saw a sign at the retreat that urged everyone to repeat something called the Golden Mantra 1000 times "as this will stop the killing and bring peace in Iraq" I was bamboozled - it seemed to me to be such a cop out at the worst, muddle headed at best.
There was a ban on talking, and eye contact was discouraged but I managed to find everything funny. One young fellow retreater was given the job of wandering around the compound banging a gong 10 minutes before the beginning of each class. He was dressed in a hippy outfit par excellence (including a ridiculous pixie hat) bashing away at his gong. I just had to catch a glimpse of him and wanted to laugh out loud. I was biting the inside of my cheeks every time he padded past me, banging away.
On a silent walk (strolling around the grounds contemplating the true meaning of our existence) I was heartened to see two women hiding in the bushes away from authoritarian eyes, gossiping their heads off. I so wanted to join them but knew I couldn't gate crash. I just knew they weren't discussing spiritual issues, more likely whether or not they should have bought that Tibetan carpet at such a good price down in the town.
Now to prove the depths of how shallow I really am, I also couldn't get into the prescribed retreat outfit. In my defence it was very very cold. But how I ended up wearing toe socks is as big a mystery to me now as it was then. I will spare you further sartorial details but let's just say I was wearing a blanket as a poncho. My word, I am grateful we weren't allowed mirrors.
Some very serious western nuns and monks sat serenely in the courtyard. I broke the rules and spoke - just had to ask one of them - who I knew to be American - how the Presidential elections were unfolding. Had a winner been declared, I asked? She looked at me with what I assume was pity and declared that such earthly concerns were certainly no concern of hers.
That was it. I folded and decided this was not the way I would find my inner happiness. Among other things I desperately needed to know who had won the election. I went to the office, past the signs which encouraged us to be kind and compassionate to ourselves and each other. I walked in and admitted failure and said that I need a taxi to take me back to the town.
Compassion was hard to find in the office. Bickering, blaming and moaning broke out among the European staff. "Well I just can't find any money right now to give you a refund....this is very inconvenient...." griped one person. Another started whining about an absent office manager. "Bloody Sabine should not be having showers at this time of the day, she should be here!" Someone else started bitching to me about how chaotic the place was and that no one told anybody anything . Sabine appeared, fresh from her shower and talked about me like I wasn't there. "Well I'm not giving her a refund because it's out of office hours" (It was 11.30. A sign indicated that office hours were 9.30 - 12.30). Someone else retorted, "well I have been working hard and you've been off having a shower, so it's not as if we didn't try and get it done" ....meanwhile outside, all the retreaters were wandering to the sound of a soft banging gong, searching for inner peace and contemplating the Golden Mantra.
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
Hi Virginia,
I would not consider myself a religious Buddhist, but I do ascribe to many of the Buddhist philosophies. My husband and I have been meditating and discussing philosphy with a small group of Buddhists just on our own, and we recently decided to check out our local Shambala center. We found ourselves, like you, profoundly disappointed.
However, one bad experience does not make the whole school of thought bad. I understand you instantly being turned off to someone expressing such nihilism as what you received when asking about the Presidential elections. But remember that most Buddhists, though they do seek enlightenment, do not seek to simply disengage from the world and say that nothing on earth matters.
In Asia, whenever there is a movement or a march for democracy, for human rights, against despotism, you almost always see Buddhist monks leading the pack. Buddhist monks set themselves on fire to protest Vietnam, and Buddhist leaders around the world have thoroughly denounced the Iraq War.
Buddhists have long stood up for earthly matters, even if the people you encountered on your retreat thought such concerns beneath them. I'm not saying "be a Buddhist," it's not for everyone. Just keep in mind that the nihilism you experienced is not a universal tennant.
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Hey there BlackCat - thanks for your considered comment. I won't into a long personal story, let's just say I have spent a long time living in Buddhist countries (and well as Muslim countries) and nothing has affected a world view of taking on atheism when I was about eight.
I don't think I actually slag off the religion in this article as you suggest - I am more of a whatever floats your boat type - but was more reflecting on my own "closed mind".
Thanks again for taking time to read and comment.
Great article, and although I practice Meditation myself (and have other "worldly concerns" such as a young daughter and Wife) - I could hardly picture myself diving into the same scenario you mentioned, and NOT having the same response!
I've done weekend (day) retreats with some success - and found it was the right mix for me to get some meditation time to destress/reflect - but balance it honestly with real life. A life we have to play in and even enjoy or work with!
Also loved the "Undo" comments from all - would love to become a nothing member - very soon!
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Hi Michael - I wonder if we actually have to sign up for Undo or are we Undos because we think we might be?
I agree with you about meditation. It is a powerful tool and several of my friends are masterful practitioners!
Thanks for your comments and for reading.
I read your article because of the title. It was funny picturing all of the serious people walking around following the rules. I think that going on a short excursion alone could be meditative. Obviously, there are a lot of people who crave retreats - meditative retreats, yoga retreats, etc., probably to be around others of the same nature. I can see how serious it is for those people. As for me ( kinda like you) , it reminds me of when I was a teenager and sat it church with a truly hilarious friend, who whispered a running commentary as her father sat beside us making paper airplanes. I would be shaking with silent laughter, begging her to stop.....Lordy!
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
I like the story about the Dad making paper planes with an alternative commentary running- that sounds like a David Sedaris story.
Thanks for commenting!
I just wanted to add that you don't necessarily need to be so called "spiritual" in any shape or form that have an ethical structure in your life.
One of the better articles in the Huffington Post "Living" section that I have read. Of course, I find myself biased in the author's favor. I, too, am most likely one of the "closed minds" and find less and less frustration left over the matter on my personal road to whatever "enlightenment" I may attain during a lifetime. Thank you.
In addition: Being atheist does not automatically find us non believers subscribing to a Hobbes-ian view of a dog-eat dog existence. Quite the contrary, if I may use myself as an example. Having witnessed the tremendous compassion, empathy and ability to create common good that we humans are capable of, I find myself with a great faith in our potential for a positive direction, our belief systems notwithstanding. Lastly, to my religious fellows, if your faith makes this world a better place for you, your loved ones and the world in general, I say excellent! But I am comfortable where I stand and respectfully decline kindly attempts at conversion.
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Hello Social Construct - thank you for your kind words. Funny how when you develop what others may regard as being personally very worrying to them, you actually feel fine about it - and happier than you have ever been. People do tend to worry about you, and for you if you claim a lack of 'spirituality". I find it deeply comforting and I guess you do too! Thanks again for reading.
There's nothing wrong with your inability to keep still long enough to meditate. To each his own. But making fun of people for their ability to be present is somewhat petty...sorry....
i remember stepping off the shuttle at the buddhist retreat in florida, between miami and south beach. i was stunned that every single cobble stone was clean and in place. i had a mini anxiety attack. "this looks totalitarian", i thought. later i learned all the furnishings were drexel and the mattresses were near rock hard sealy's. all good investments. everything was top notch. the austerity of chanting the mystic law at morning and evening was something very un-western. my nature is totally paranoid. it was cerebral, but i think i got it. just in the same way i can appreciate if the author needs other consuming obsessions and complexes to survive. what i got was the wonder of life and great compassion for others that have let go of "god".
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Hello Sparrow - ooooooh! You got luxury! My retreat was absolute spartan, deathly deathly cold, not hot water. Still many roads lead to Rome, or to hell......glad to found yours.....
thanks for taking the time to write.
"I'm an atheist, get me out of here!"
I feel this way every single day, right here in the good old USA, where Freedom Of Religion is valued, but freedom FROM religion is scoffed at. As far as peace and inner tranquility, I do manage to find that daily, in a hearty laugh or an equally hearty cry. Aknowledging and embracing our emotions, without the need for over-analyzing them (which those retreats tend to lead us to do) is the key to truly living a happy and thereefore healthy life
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
PlaceboStudman - GREAT name by the way (!!! - I can onlt wonder where that came from ....). Crying and laughing = two of the great pleasures. Thanks so much for taking the time to write.
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
quite a funny blog Virginia -
I have started a new religion called Undoism ... we have a Magazine called the Undone and we would like you to be President or miss nobody .. I am CEO Mr. No Thing
we have a mailing list that goes nowhere and when you open the mag is is empty
Buddda & Jesus were Undos ... Buddha wasn't a Buddhist and Jesus wasn't a Christian they just Undo-d it
Your salary is nothing
Enjoy the journey,
Ed
LOL!!!!!!
Your post conjured up a memory of a Christian reader that said, "Jesus was a nice Christian boy who went to church every Sunday."
Nothing against the sweet Christian children I have taught in Sunday school, but I think Jesus would have much prefered being an Undo to a "nice Christian boy."
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
Couldn't agree more
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Too funny. I think I may be well qualified to become UNDOne!
See Ed and Deb Shapiro's Profile
Yup
I think one of the major problems of spiritual aspirants is they take themselves too seriously
May all Undoists unite
One thing I love about my Spiritual Path (MSIA) is that laughter and Joy are considered a sign that Spirit is Present. I have been in retreats/workshops etc., where in the midst of meditation or "deep" self-exploration exercises, uncontrollable laughter broke out and passed around the room touching everyone for twenty minutes. I am so glad my God is a Happy God!
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Hey feyangel - thanks for writing. Glad you laugh all the time - I have to say it is a great joy in life to laugh your socks off!
The 5% in your article caught my attention because that, according to a neurologist I read recently, is the percentage of people who easily slip into meditative states.
Meditation is a somewhat somber, solitary exercise. But the effect of habitual meditation (especially as part of a lifestyle that includes physical exercise) is increased joyfulness, connectedness, and peacefulness--states of mind that do not seem evident in the people you have described in your very funny article. I have to wonder if you found yourself in a business establishment that was fishing for the 5% who are easy pickings as a matter of innate brain chemistry and that had nothing to offer to the 85% of the population that can be trained (as atheists or as people of religious faith) to achieve the psychic benefits of meditation.
Correction. The neurologist I read said that about 5% of the population could meditate almost spontaneously and that about 5% lacked the brain functionality necessary to meditate--leaving about 90% that could be trained.
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Hey there kjstjohn - interesting beurological observations. I think meditation is great and it gives so much depth and pleasure to millions. I just knew I wasn't going to find joy in it on that chilly hill side in India. Thanks for taking the time to write some really good comments.
A new monk came up to the master Joshu. “I have just entered the brotherhood and I am anxious to learn the first principle of Zen,” he said. “Will you please teach it to me?” Joshu said, “Have you eaten your supper?” The novice answered, “I have eaten.” Joshu said, “Now wash your bowl.”
Obviously, there are two approaches Westerners use with Buddhism and/or Hinduism.
First, is the way of devotion. This one is not for everybody. One time I ask my teacher if I could go to this Tibetan meditation course and knowing me she thought it was "too religious" for me. I skipped it.
Second, is the way is rejecting the accumulated religious chaff and adopting Buddhist secular philosophy and practices which mesh well with post- modern Weltanschauung of educted Westerns. To be perfectly frank, few blue color workers attend Vipassana retreats.
Now, I agree that dour people are the bane of human condition. And they're aplenty among both liberals and conservatives.
It all depends if you let them win by taking them seriously.
As an old master said:" Drink, but don't get drunk."
The fact that you couldn't meditate for even couple of days and yearned to gossip is a point of pride?!
Hmmm.....
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Nah, don't think I mentioned anywhere in the article that it makes me proud.
Thanks for commenting. Love your Charlie Chaplin thingy by the way.
mmm.... The entire attitude has New York Upper East Side sarcastic vibe which recognize ( sympathize with) well. Humor-- yes! Sarcasm---not longer find it useful.
Ironically, being preoccupied with American elections at a retreat ( voluntary, I assume) could've been viewed as dourness by those uninteresting in American politics.Yes?
Good luck.
Yeah, it's more fun getting laid. Seriously though, I have experienced a similar situation many years ago. No big deal and at least you know where you do not want to be.
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Indra - you are exactly right! It is no big deal .... horses for courses I guess we would both agree!
Thanks for commenting!
Good for you. Religion obviously is more about controlling people than anything else. It's especially pathetic to see impoverished people in undeveloped nations brainwashed into repeating meaningless rituals countless times, using up what precious little time and energy they have.
It's all well and good for affluent people in LA or New York's tonier neighborhoods to spend their time in navel gazing and speculating about unknowable subjects, but religion worldwide is an enormous drain on humanity -- even when its adherents are not slaughtering each other. And it's really infuriating that here in the U.S. the government forcibly takes our tax dollars to spend on religious groups that already are obscenely wealthy from fleecing the gullible.
See Virginia M. Moncrieff's Profile
Merlin - thanks for taking the time to comment...... now if you get me started on the reasons I became an atheist ...... I could bash your ears for ages. On that one, I have total certainty! But I figure we may be on the same page .......
Hmm... just one atheist to another here. I'm always confused by people who cite religion as a reason to be an atheist. Atheism is simply a position taken on the question of "is there a god(s)?". It has nothing to do with religion. Citing religious silliness isn't actually grounds for lacking belief in god(s) or actively saying there are not god(s).
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
