What's Your Name? Dunce? Bong? Bum?

The news theme pounded out. Bing and Precious announced that Noynoy was going to run for president. The tape rolled, and there was Noynoy Aquino standing on a platform surrounded by his sisters, Ballsy and Pinky.

After the political news, Precious turned to the lighter side of life, and the recent activities of Ding Dong. Ding Dong Dantes is a major star. He was once named one of the world's sexiest men. His peers include Bangs, someone called Boots and bringing up the rear, a woman named Pops.

This is not a drag queen's tea party. Precious Hipolito Castelo and Bing Formento are serious news readers on IBC13 television in the Philippines. Noynoy is the late President Aquino's son. His sisters, who seem like perfectly respectable middle aged women, really are called Ballsy and Pinky.

In this country, everyone seems to have some kind of all-purpose nickname that long ago rendered their real name obsolete. Politicians with names like Joker, Boy, Butch and Ping are commonplace and no one, least of all them, seems to care that they sound like characters from a Mario Puzo novel. Excuse me for being old fashioned but is Joker the kind of nickname an ambitious politician would really want? Apparently, yes.

The president has, it seems, gotten off lightly. She is known to all and sundry by her initials, GMA. Her husband is making up for her lack of flair -- he is called Mike the Big Boy. The Big Boy has been accused of money laundering by a politician named Ping. Ping in turn has been linked with the murder of a political publicist called Bubby. (Did I just mention Mario Puzo?) GMA's predecessor, the notoriously thuggish and allegedly corrupt Joseph Estrada is named Erap -- "pare" spelled backwards, which means "pal." Imelda and Ferdinand Marcos have a son named Bong Bong.

Filipinos have a penchant for the too-cute double name. Men and women alike are called Bam Bam, Cha Cha, Chi Chi, Pee Pee, Rap Rap, Bum Bum, Don Don, Mak Mak, Dum Dum, Bo Bo. It's like living in a country populated by those exotic Pandas flown in from China that you have to pay extra to see at the zoo.

No name is beyond shortening or changing. A personal favorite is Jejomar -- for Jesus Joseph Mary. Even in this intensely devout Catholic country, nothing it seems is too sacred to mess with.

I have been served by name tagged assistants called Bum, Cherries, Dunce, Queenly, Fi Fe, and Dinky. And then there is the mysterious use of the letter "h", after the first letter of your nickname. So we get Bhoy, Rhandy, Ghirl, Bhaby, Jhohnny and Jhoy.

Of course none of this even gets close to explaining the usual Filipino greeting of "M'am Sir," (pronounced as one word -- mamsir). M'am Sir is not a variation on the term lady boy, but the catch all for any customer or client, male or female. Such is its ubiquity it now doesn't make me question my sexual identity when I am cheerily greeted with "hello mamsir" ten times a day.

I have yet to be given a nickname -- well not to my face anyway. I do believe it's up to each individual to find the one that suits and go with that. I'm not sure I can find one that fits, though Ballsy does have a certain appeal. Maybe I'll try it out. A role in Filippino politics can't be too far away.