Since Elizabeth Taylor's death last week, much has been said about her illustrious career and colorful personal life. And while tributes highlighted her many movies and marriages, it's probably fair to say that a lot of us will remember her for her exquisite beauty: those violet eyes, her creamy skin and thick, black hair.
With Taylor's iconic image in mind, I was interested in reading Robert Tornambe's article, "What Is Beauty? A Plastic Surgeon's Perspective." The piece intrigued me not only because of my own research on this topic, but because I was interested in how his point of view (as a male and a surgeon) might differ from mine (a female and a psychologist). My work focuses more on raising questions about our beauty culture (e.g., "Under the Knife and Under Scrutiny," and "Cosmetic Drugs Gone Too Far"), but I was pleasantly surprised that we both shared a similar perspective: that a woman's attractiveness is based more on perception than the sum of her biological parts. I particularly resonated with these words: "We must stop sending the wrong, unhealthy superficial message to our daughters and granddaughters about the definition of beauty."
Unlike others reacting to Dr. Tornambe's post, I didn't take issue with it being authored by a plastic surgeon. Clearly, there are many doctors whose moral compasses guide their practice, as appears to be the case with Dr. Tornambe. There are cosmetic surgeons who truly want to understand women and do right by them. They hesitate to perform repeated cosmetic surgeries on their female patients, and they turn away young girls who come for Botox, even if their parents approve. Some make concerted efforts to talk to their patients about the difference between fantasy and reality -- how much pain is involved, the cost of procedures (and their upkeep) and the long-term expectations, including the possible need for further surgery. I know, because some of these doctors have asked for my help in understanding the psychological ramifications of their work (see "The Psychological Factors Surrounding Plastic Surgery").
It wasn't even Dr. Tornambe's gender that bothered me. I realize that it's hard to find female plastic surgeons (around 98 percent are men), let alone one who is willing to write about her work. The rarity of women in this field likely reflects the years of demanding training required, making family life difficult, but ambivalence over performing cosmetic procedures (mostly on other women) may also play a role. In fact, I applaud Dr. Tornambe's thoughtful article on a topic few plastic surgeons write for the general public. No, it was neither his being a plastic surgeon nor his being male that made me uneasy; rather, it is that word "beauty." It is how easily practitioners use it to mean so many different things, and how easily it is misinterpreted.
Dr. Tornambe started his piece by correctly stating, "Beauty is the most overused, misunderstood, poorly defined word in the English language," but he goes on to use the word throughout his piece, applying it to his description of the "Beauty Quotient." While I agree that personal appearance, physical and psychological health contribute to a woman's sense of well-being, I take issue with his identifying these as "the three categories that define a woman's beauty." Perhaps I'm making a big deal over the use of a word -- a matter of semantics, some might say -- but if we recognize that we live in a culture that leaves women, as Dr. Tornambe himself writes, "unduly influenced into negative opinions about themselves and forced to chase an illusion," we professionals need to do all that we can to shift that experience.
Take a look at Webster's definition of beauty: "A pleasing physical quality. An assemblage of properties pleasing to the five senses." In today's culture, its meaning has been narrowed mostly to the visual sense, and further still, applied often to youthful looks. Synonyms include prettiness, cuteness, loveliness, exquisiteness and splendor. Webster's definition of attractiveness, on the other hand, is, "The quality that arouses interest and pleasure. The power to attract." Synonyms include appealing, captivating, charismatic, charming and engaging. Notice anything in the latter that is directly attributed to physical features or youth?
Clearly, most of us know that beauty and attractiveness are not one and the same. Women who have graced the covers of magazines tell us that they do not necessarily feel attractive. And there are women who are attractive that would never be cover girls. I know this to be true, not only from the models, dancers and screen actors that I work with in psychotherapy, but from the women I interviewed for my book, "Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change" (Hay House, 2011).
You see, there is a beauty paradox that many men -- and even some women -- find hard to fully comprehend. "Perfect" physical features -- the ones some are willing to go under the knife to achieve -- may be viewed as beautiful, but those who have them do not necessarily experience themselves as beautiful. In fact, when the goal of looking attractive is confused with achieving "beauty," it often creates the very opposite: women who feel inadequate and frustrated as they fall short of an unattainable standard.
Beauty is a rigid, static physical image. Attractiveness is a fluid, variable psychological experience, one that moves from the inside, out and back again. Beauty can be inherited, Photoshopped or surgically attained. Attractiveness develops, evolves over time and can be ageless. One can be attractive to others or simply feel that way about oneself. Beauty leads women toward the pursuit of the physical features associated with the word. Attractiveness is an attainable goal for those who take care of their bodies, enjoy their lives, maintain sensuality and engage with others.
My suggestion? Whether you are a surgeon, psychologist, life coach or stylist, talk about attractiveness instead of beauty and you will foster more positive experiences in the women you advise. As parents, raise your daughters and granddaughters to truly understand the difference. Beauty is, and will always be, a word associated with icons throughout history -- from Cleopatra to the actress who so famously portrayed her. It works well as a goal for those competing in pageants, whose professions are on screen and in magazines, whose lives revolve around being admired and scrutinized primarily for their physical beings. As Dr. Tornambe suggests, "We must educate our children to recognize that physical characteristics alone do not make a woman beautiful."
We need only look at another Huffington Post piece that appeared on the same day as Tornambe's, entitled, "Mother Claims To Inject 8-year-old With Botox." I thought, "Therein lies the problem": A "licensed beautician" was using the very tools of Dr. Tornambe's trade on her daughter, so that she could make her a "beauty." According to that piece, mother Kerry was obsessed with daughter Britney becoming a future Hollywood "star" and was giving her all the advantages early on to reach that goal. This story comes from a questionable journal source (The Sun), but when considered alongside a more reliable one (from The New York Times) discussing a similar topic, teen "toxing", we recognize that our girls -- and their mothers -- are confused and in trouble.
Practitioners who study beauty, like Dr. Tornambe and I do, have a responsibility and opportunity to alter our younger generation's view on what it means to be attractive. To do so, we have to keep physical beauty from being equated with the experience of attractiveness. We need to leave the former to those whose genetics naturally endow them the physical qualities associated with what society deems the "Holy Grail" -- perfect, baby-faced features; blue eyes; thick hair; straight, white teeth; small nose; thin body; long legs -- and let them devote themselves to maintaining their youthful looks as they age. The rest of us need to feel free to be attractive in our own unique ways and maintain that enjoyable experience at any age.
How would you describe the difference between beauty and attractiveness?
Vivian Diller, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in New York City. She has written articles on beauty, aging, media, models and dancers. She serves as a consultant to companies promoting health, beauty and cosmetic products. "Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change" (2010), written with Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D. and edited by Michele Willens, is a psychological guide to help women deal with the emotions brought on by their changing appearances.
For more information, visit her websites at www.FaceItTheBook.com and www.VivianDiller.com. Friend her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/Readfaceit, or continue the conversation on Twitter.
Follow Vivian Diller, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrVDiller
Vivian
The only thing I remember about Liz Taylor is the absurd number of husband she had.
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081028074323.htm
http://www.viewzone.com/attractivenessx.html
Thanks for those two articles. Both interesting. Seems most of this attractiveness business is biologically driven. No surprise there.
'We need to leave the former to those whose genetics naturally endow them the physical qualities associated with what society deems the "Holy Grail" -- perfect, baby-faced features; blue eyes; thick hair; straight, white teeth; small nose; thin body; long legs'
With this logic, then does it mean that people of colour who obviously do not have blue eyes or small noses etc aren't capable of attaining the 'holy grail'? It is this total disregard of people who aren't Caucasian that will never let us conquer racism! I mean, really, in the world population, you'll find that the majority are not white.
So, please describe what you believe is the "Holy Grail" for non-Caucasian women. I'd like to edit that last paragraph appropriately to fit all women. Thanks for your helpful comment.
The media is so saturated with whiteness that you'll rarely find a black woman wearing her own hair. They wear weaves or wigs or chemically straighten their hair. All the famous black women bar Whoopi Goldberg ascribe to the skinny, flowing hair, the lighter skinned the better, mentality of the predominant white culture. Maybe that is the only way to get work.
Like I said, it is complicated. A typical beautiful black woman though in my opinion is one who embraces what is natural to them this may include an afro, natural 'nappy' hair, full some bosoms they embrace curves which are broad hips and what would be termed as 'bubble butt' bottom, leggy with toned arms and legs.
Beauty can encompass, uniqueness, loveliness, warmth, delight etc...
Attractive is something you say to a woman who's dressed for a formal night out or a Christmas tree. "...Your very attractive tonight..." "...That Christmas tree is very attractive..." You can be glittery and sparkly without being sexual alluring. If I say I think your attractive it doesn't mean I'm sexually moved. It just means your sparkly.
Being beautiful means much more to me because it has a deeper meaning. It's referring to more than appearance.
Beauty inspires love.
I'm not embracing the "beauty is from within cliche" because although it sounds good it's meaningless. People use it as an umbrella to deflect unwanted observations. Example: I was watching a massively popular tv program with a world renown super model who was explaining how she helped survivors in a small village after a devastating storm. The commentators hired to the show all remarked how "beautiful" she was on the "inside". I didn't see it. Mother Theresa worked her ass to the bone for decades for the poor and discarded with nothing but sheer guts and faith and she was no beauty. She wasn't particularly beautiful on the inside either. She was hard nosed and held people accountable. But Mother Theresa was awesome.
People over use cliche's to the point they have no more meaning.
Elizabeth Taylor was beautiful. Maybe the most beautiful woman ever.
Distinguishing the use of the word beauty from attractiveness is based on cognitive behavior theory. When a word, like beauty, is associates with unattainable goals and leads to feelings like frustration, unhappiness or inadequacy, it helps to find substitute words that are associated with more satisfying feelings. Does that help explain the point of this piece?
If the world around has shallow ideas about beauty it doesn't mean we should stop searching the kind of beauty that speaks to us, personally - and call it exactly that. I think the answer doesn't lie in giving up and searching for some euphemism to a term that causes us uncertainty. We need such words, they are powerful because they try to communicate something that's bigger than us, a mystery. It's similar to religions' way of speaking about god; people, being only human, can never fully comprehend god, in some cases they should not even say god's name, but they must do it anyway. Not reclaiming our own right to define beauty and speak about it is just downright crooked and futile. It just gives more power to the shallow definition of the word.
I'm disagreeing quite furiously here, but I mean it in a respectful sense. Also English is not my first language, but I hope my way of thinking can be understood at least by some.
as for taylor, i just saw an old film clip in which she speaks at a podium, some award ceremony - i could've sworn she was imitating marilyn monroe in her breathy delivery, for she did not speak that way later on in life. i thought that interesting.
My mother met Elizabeth when they were both young briefly at a luncheon. The things she remembers most were her striking dark features and breathy voice. Nobody could hear her so everyone leaned in close to her face while she spoke. She spoke as though she had no diaphram. She was not pretentious and didn't seem to express any ego but she was so beautiful woman just didn't know how to react to her.
Elizabeth explained she was very hairy as a child and her hair was thick and strong so movie studios force plucked her eye brows and face and it was painful. She had been born with two rows of eyelash instead of one like most people.
http://bootsbeatsandeats.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/tumblr_kvt41r7d6c1qapxqio1_400.jpg?w=299&h=400
1. For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
2. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
3. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
True beauty or attractiveness in a woman is reflected in her soul...
My husband had a huge crush on his 50 some year old yoga teacher when he was in his early twenties, although he had a girlfriend his own age who was fairly pretty. She was also a crazy-pants, which makes you far less attractive to anyone, as a friend or otherwise.
I am not at all beautiful, but I have never felt a lack of attention from men or women. Except when my children are with me. I almost always have them with me, and when I am by myself, I notice the difference in the way people treat me.
I felt really bad reading posts like Gigi's--this is the life you get, the body you have, the face you have, the intelligence you have. You can do amazing things with all these gifts, or you can squander them moaning and navel-gazing. You will waste years of your life being miserable instead of just recognizing your own "basic goodness." Some guy doesn't want you sexually--f him. I can't believe anyone would actually care. Everything that exists is impermanent, beauty especially. Turn off your TV, throw out the magazines, start looking for beauty all around you.
Fanned and faved, Kimberly Christine!
Crazy-pants. Never heard that before. A vivid figure of speech.
"I am not at all beautiful, but I have never felt a lack of attention from men or women. Except when my children are with me. I almost always have them with me, and when I am by myself, I notice the difference in the way people treat me."
If it's none of my business KC, I won't be offended if you don't answer, but how do people treat you different in the situation described above?
As the line forms outside the auditorium they enter one at a time. After passing through the door they are escorted into a small room, blindfolded and then taken to a table that will seat ten.
Blind folded they introduce themselves by name only and then a moderator at the table says, “Our first topic will be why I like myself.”
In an hour they move to another table and it begins all over again. Each person is asked to rate those around the table by the moderator.
1. A very interesting person.
2. I’d like to talk more with this person.
Two days later they are giving pictures of those at each table and how they rated them.
We put so much emphases on looks it often blinds us to the beauty right before us.
My neice has a theory that everyone is beautiful at some point in their life. Some are beautiful as babies, others only at their sexual bloom, while others are at their unique beautiful as content great-grandmothers. It's all relative (according to my relative). I think what she might be saying is attractiveness is beautiful.
I am proof that your niece is full of it. I have been hideous all my life. And getting older isn't improving things.