When your grown-up kids drop by to visit, do they still come with bags of laundry? How often do they leave with bags of leftovers -- and maybe even a bit of cash -- alongside their neatly folded, clean clothes?
According to a recent Reuters report, there are many Baby Boomer parents in this country who are supporting their adult kids in lots of ways, with moms being the go-to person 60 percent of the time when offspring run into economic problems. The report was based on an online survey in Florida conducted by a research firm called Kitchen's Group. They found that "of women with children over age 18, nine percent said they had adult children living back home for indefinite periods. Twelve percent were primarily responsible for their adult child or children's financial well-being and 31 percent said they had children who returned home, relied on them but expected to become independent."
Although parents are not legally obliged to support children over the age of 18 (and in years past, few parents did), and although 86 percent of the Boomer moms in the survey were financially independent by the time they were 25 years old, it is clear that many parents today will do what they can to help their adult children. AARP confirms this new trend, saying the stats from the smaller Florida survey are in line with their own larger ones, which have shown that 69 percent of their members currently provide some level of financial support to their adult children.
So what are the reasons behind this cultural shift? Is it a positive trend indicating that more young adults feel free to seek support from their parents as they struggle to establish themselves in their careers? Does it suggest greater closeness between moms and their kids, a kind of intimacy that was less common in previous generations? Or is it less positive, indicating an increasing over-dependence by children on their parents and vice versa? Perhaps, more worrisome, does it reflect a reluctance among 20-somethings to stand on their own two feet, resulting in a culturally induced laziness enabled by Boomer parents?
High Unemployment
The most apparent reason for young adults taking longer to become financially independent is clearly the current state of our economy. The Millennial generation reached their 20s just as the stock market crashed and a global economic downturn began. They entered the workforce as unemployment was rising, jobs were being eliminated and a college degree no longer ensured career opportunities. For many, moving back home or asking for financial help gave them the option to pursue unpaid internships, seek further schooling or simply wait out the recession.
Although most of these young adults say that they would prefer to live on their own and be financially independent, when their parents offer help, most take it. Some have little choice. Others want to maintain the kind of lifestyle they were used to -- or feel entitled to -- and hope to avoid taking jobs they believe are beneath them. And parents go to great lengths to help meet their children's wishes. One financial website writes that "mothers and fathers don't always plan to be paying for their child's expenses" after they reach the age of adulthood and find themselves filing for bankruptcy as they accumulate debt trying to help their kids become independent.
Empty Nest vs. "Empty Next"
Consider, too, that requests for financial help by adult children tap into the already existing ambivalence many Boomer mothers feel about this phase of their lives. Moms who have spent their 20s, 30s and 40s caring for their children feel pulled in opposing directions as their midlife approaches -- to hold on or move on. While they may begin preparing for their years ahead without children and even look forward to spending more time on themselves, there continues to be a strong pull to hold on to what is familiar -- the full house, even if messy bedrooms and empty fridges are left behind.
Instinctively, many Boomer moms yearn for (or can easily be lulled back into) their role as caretaker -- the go-to person. Being needed helps some women maintain their sense of purpose just as they face fears about becoming invisible, both physically and emotionally. (I like to call this phase the "empty next," so that women focus less on losing their nest and more on what can come next; see chapter seven in my book, "Face It; What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change.") Supporting children during this time can be viewed by some women as fulfilling, even if at the same time it financially drains them.
New Family Structure
Then there's the fact that in the last 20 years, our family structure has become a great deal more child-centered, even as those children become full-fledged adults. No longer is Dad at the head of the table as Mom serves the meals and tells the children to go off to play quietly -- think "Father Knows Best" being replaced by the kind of gatherings in "Brothers and Sisters." Not only is the family dinner a thing of the past, but most mealtimes, weekends and vacations are now oriented around the kids' activities: soccer practices, ballet classes, tutors, camps and other extra-curricular interests. Often both parents work, some even taking on extra jobs or second mortgages, just to finance their kids' active and enriched lives.
With children growing up assuming that parents will make these kinds of sacrifices, it isn't surprising that they expect them to continue right through adulthood. Helicopter parenting can lead to overly dependent children who are loathe to give up their hovering but supportive families. We have to ask ourselves whether the wonder years have become the wander years, with too many young people ultimately lost because they were coddled too long.
Generational Differences
That Boomers remember their young adulthood differently isn't difficult to understand. These women were raised by post-depression parents who emphasized the importance of financial self-reliance. Boomer women were also pioneers of the feminist movement. Economic success was not only about financial security, but served to ensure that they would avoid the dependency their mothers felt on men. These moms were among the first to break many of the glass ceilings that their Millennial children now take for granted. The result? Young adults today -- especially 20-something women -- view financial dependence neither as a failure nor as a betrayal of their political beliefs as many of their mothers might have. They are less embarrassed about what they see as a temporary and transitional stage. And since some of these moms wrestle with residual regret having pursued careers while leaving kids at home, indulging them now can meet needs all around -- relieving moms of their guilt while helping out their grown children
No doubt, the statistics indicating that more Boomer mothers support their adult kids reflect complicated psychological and cultural issues. And this recent Reuter's report doesn't even begin to explore the father's role in this family dynamic. Is it possible that moms are the go-to person, viewed as having a softer touch, while dads are the go-away ones, more likely concerned about money matters? Are fathers hesitant to offer support because they worry that it will foster dysfunctional dependency? Do different attitudes about this issue contribute to marital problems in addition to financial stress at midlife? Maybe more importantly, given that many Baby Boomers have not planned for their own personal and economic futures, this trend raises questions about the long-term impact on how it will all work out in the end -- for parents and children alike.
We can all benefit from a better understanding of this cultural phenomenon. What do you think about adult children being financially supported by their moms or dads if they are in the position to help?
Vivian Diller, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in New York City. She has written articles on beauty, aging, media, models and dancers. She serves as a consultant to companies promoting health, beauty and cosmetic products. "Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change" (2010), written with Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D. and edited by Michele Willens, is a psychological guide to help women deal with the emotions brought on by their changing appearances. For more information, please visit www.VivianDiller.com.
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We boomer parents are largely responsible for our boomerang kids. Trying to get beyond our "Father Knows Best", "children should be seen and not heard" childhoods...we overdid the "You are SO special" dialogues. The result is we raised the collective expectations of this generation to an unsustainable level, just about the exact same time our unsustainable standard of living took a dive.
I think this attitude describes some of the kids from the Millennnial generation, but starts with parents over indulgence when they were kids. But I have to say I know a lot of kids that age who are very willing to work very hard, give 100% of themselves to work that isn't high paying and travel far to find meaningful work (third world countries included). To me, that seems like the big difference between generations. A lot of these kids want to do work that has meaning, not necessarily money making. So, we can't categorically dismiss them as part of an entire generation of over indulged kids, just like we can't categorically do the same about all Boomers.
Many in this generation are doing wonderful things. Most of the US travelers I met in SE Asia this trip were young people working in NGOs and were inspirational. I applaud them for spending these economic times traveling cheap and experiencing other cultures rather than work crummy jobs waiting for the tide to turn. They will be the lights that could lead the US out of our current WalMart/reality TV stupor.
The ideal job has both meaning and pays a sustainable wage. Finding that delicate balance takes more than luck, and I'm seeing members of this generation begin to achieve that goal.
Every single one - let me be clear - every single one we've ever hired has been a major problem to us.
Even low level tasks seem to somehow become controversial, political and socioeconomic issues.
They don't show up, and when they do - they are like wealth destroying tornados.
I don't know what has happened to them. College educated people - with degrees - and not from ITT tech..... behaving like children.
Denise
Um, ya know, maybe if your generation didn't move all of the jobs overseas, break the labor unions and cut taxes for the rich, maybe the young people who are stuck at home would be making enough money to live on their own.
But that would require members of your generation admitting that they were wrong for standing by while the country got plundered...and your generation is incapable of doing wrong...
My father was 17 years old in 1930. Because of the Depression, he was basically turned out of the house with nothing except his clothes and a nice pocket watch. He was always upbeat, but when he reminisced, you could see the pain in the telling of that watch being all his parents ever gave him. I think the truth was that other siblings garnered more parental support than he could command, probably mostly due to unlucky timing. What felt like favoritism to him hurt more than the actual struggles he endured.
There may have also been some catering to the less well equipped children -- difficult to assess and not my place to judge -- but upon losing my Mom and Dad, I saw in the execution of my father's will a fierce determination to treat each of his own children perfectly equally. I didn't require it. It was clear to me that it was my father's intention to prevent the hurt he felt. It suggests to me that parents need to take great care not to save the needy child and ignore the seemingly strong one. Maybe it is the children and parents together who need to come up with the plan when one of them needs help.
I think what you write here is key to making the support provided for our children truly helpful. Very well said. Putting a plan in place is very important to both parents and children alike. Thanks for your comment!
When I graduated from college, the county I lived in had a 45% unemployment rate. I didn't move back home. I was able to find employment, actually two jobs. Were these jobs aids to my "self actualization?" Did I get a great deal of fulfillment from them? Did my supervisors pat me on the back and tell me to go and take a well deserved break? No, no and no.
Narcissists with a catalog of well worn excuses.....
1. Just because you have large student debts does not mean your pay should be higher. Need is not an argument for greater compensation.
2. Your degree is nice but I am interviewing a person, not a piece of paper. Your unwillingness to make eye contact and your inability to communicate effectively defeat any value your education brings.
3. For an interview you need to think of the needs of the employer. When asked what unique characteristics you bring don't go on about how badly you need the paycheck. Your needs satisfy none of mine.
4. The open position is already defined. If it isn't the job you want, don't waste my time applying and interviewing. Yes, I will remember you and if you apply for another position with me at a later time your appplication will be ignored if you previously wasted my time.
5. Don't be surprised when you counter offer my offer of a job and I refuse to respond to the counter and I withdraw the offer. There are many good applicants. You are not as special as you think. Your counter offer of 30% more pay and twice the vacation time may have shown initiative to you. But to me it was pure selfishness.
You said nothing out of line. I can believe you've encountered all that you describe, and your reactions each and every time were right on. It's just common sense. Surprising how few young people seem to have it. Common sense that is.
To maninal2:
What is your problem dude? You're ripping this guy for no good reason. If you think he is the enemy, then you don't know who the enemy is. Get a grip!
My mom's house is big, too big for just the two of us anyway. I see nothing wrong with my kids living here. We are all adults and we all contribute, we get along, and it works for us.
http://bit.ly/eEuhLu
As a boomerang child myself who graduated with an Engineering degree in Dec 2008 but had to live at home because of that little thing called the Great Recession. It was nice to have a supportive family throughout my many failed interviews because of my "lack of experience"... Once I did land my job, it took me less than half a year to pay off my loans from them to keep me afloat during my unemployed time, I moved out. Now I have a car payment and am fully financially independent. Sometimes there are factors outside of what you can control and it's not just "stupid, lazy kids these days"
The economy added 125,000 workers to the labor force every month of every year from 2001-2010, but instead of the economy adding jobs during that period, it actually lost millions of them.
Gee, maybe that explains why Danielle either doesn't have a job or isn't making enough money to have her own place. Or we could just say that she's lazy and rip her for having a phone and coffee every now and then (even though boomers also have phones and coffees...somehow it's only bad when the younger folks do it...hypocrites...)