When Al and Tipper Gore announced their separation after 40 years of marriage, the blogosphere was filled with emotions, ranging from alarm ("this was the last marriage we thought was in trouble") to nonchalance ("so what else is new?"). Most discussions led to a similar conclusion: even good marriages are hard to sustain for a lifetime as our lives extend well into our 80s and 90s. For the Gores and couples in their 60s, four decades together is a good amount of time for love, marriage, career-building and child-rearing. At midlife it may be time to look somewhere over the rainbow rather than feel over the hill.
So as the shock waves receded, the discussion broadened to focus on the new opportunities that separation at 60 offered. A relationship expert on CBS morning show encouraged newly divorced women to think of "60 as the new 20." She suggested they go on Facebook, tap into the girls they once were and reinvent themselves. Hopeful and proactive advice, to say the least, but as a psychologist who has worked with many women at midlife, I find that this phase of life is for many, well, complicated.
Some women see 50 and beyond as a time to enjoy greater freedom from responsibility and for increased opportunity for pleasure and leisure. But many others feel anxious and depressed as they anticipate all the changing that aging brings. Below are three key emotional components that distinguish these two groups. I call them 'the three R's for reinventing yourself.' If you want to be psychologically prepared to make the most of the next phase of life, keep these in mind.
Resilience: Reinventing yourself requires the ability to rebound from the challenges you face. It is important to assess how resilient and resourceful you feel before inviting major changes in your life that go beyond those that naturally come your way. Whether it be making a change to your career, leaving your husband or taking on something new and different, women who have internal resources are better equipped to rise to the challenge of change. 'Out with the old and in with the new' takes energy and effort. Those who move forward feeling enthusiastic about their future find resilience very important. Those who feel scared and depressed feel empty. The ability to be resilient is key in finding new ways to cope with, and even enjoy, new beginnings.
Reliance: Women tell me that making major changes at midlife can leave them feeling very alone, at least for a period of time. Looking forward may be a positive move, but it almost always requires leaving behind what is familiar and comforting. The ability to rely on others and ask for help is important while a transition is made to new dependable sources of comfort. If you don't have the ability to rely on family and friends, reinventing yourself can be difficult and excruciatingly lonely. Assess realistically who you have around you that you can trust to be supportive and evaluate your ability to rely on them. Taking the risk to reinvent yourself requires a combination of independence and dependence, finding a balance between self reliance and the ability to rely others.
Renewal: To successfully reinvent yourself, it is important to be flexible, to be able to renew and refresh how you view yourself in your life. Remember, old roles that you may want to leave behind -- as wife, mother, daughter -- have been part of your identity for years. Some women get stuck, afraid to let these old roles go. They may want to leave them, but don't feel the flexibility in their self-definition. For example, when a woman sees herself as successful only if she is working, it is difficult to leave her job. Women who have spent years in a bad marriage, but are afraid to be alone, can't see themselves as single. Women who get stuck on feeling attractive only when they appear youthful are unable to age gracefully. These women may want to reinvent themselves, but get stuck. Women who have flexibility can revitalize their lives as they age, looking forward to an ongoing renewal of who they are and who they will become.
Before you jump at the chance to reinvent yourself (at any age!) you may want to consider whether you are psychologically ready to take advantage of the new opportunities that present themselves. Look before you leap -- from the neighborhood where you lived, a long-term marriage or a career of many years. You might just want to prepare your self with the three R's.
Copyright 2010 Vivian Diller Ph.D., author of Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change
Follow Vivian Diller, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrVDiller
Tom Ferry: Are You Addicted to the Past?
Rita Altman, R.N.: Aging Tips: 8 Steps to Keeping Aging Brains Active
www,TheQueenOfMySelf.com
Today, I have a woman in my life who is at the crossroads described in this article, and I have urged her heartily to find the life she would choose today.
Thankfully, she seems to be coming around but she has profound guilt and I gather she is not alone - far from alone....
I am hoping she can shed the guilt so she can be who she really is. Thankfully, she knows this is a major problem for her, and she has spoken of it every time we have talked in the last several weeks.
I am her biggest fan, greatest supporter, and, I feel sure, her greatest love, yet that does not make the road easy. Fear and guilt seem to be the biggest impediments to living the life she wants to live. ... I wish I knew better how to share the strength, feelings, insight, passion, I have inside. Yet, she is growing, she does seem to know what she must do, even as it takes more time and effort than would seem necessary.
Anyway, I'm glad for the question you ask - it is the right one for all of us at all stages of our lives. You have just gained another fan.
Basically, women have the luxury of wringing their hands about this stuff and "redefining" their roles while men are just expected to fill their roles. Men, my suggestion, just remain the lone wolf.
As Diller said at the end, these attributes apply at any age -- and certainly can apply to men. Also, if you choose not to make a change because you realize that stability, security, etc. are more your cup of tea, that can be okay, too (as opposed to being "stuck" since some people have had enough of change and want consistency).
Either way, this article did a good job of distilling abstract concepts into practical applications, and I was pleased to find this was not an esoteric mental exercise.
Perhaps I am vintage ~smirk~
Life is short; enjoy EVERY step of the journey, right where you’re at. With each year that passes, it is another notch in your belt....you made it thus far. If you are forever trying to be who you once were, are you really living?
I am such a person. My family fell apart when I was in my early teens and I had this recognition early.
...I just this week sent my love of some 33 years or so a reply to a love-letter she sent me in November of 1982 (which she received today). In her letter she brought up issues that my love is still experiencing today. I sent her this reply to that old letter for the exact reason you cite: awareness of her past may help her now handle the changes she is going through today. ...I wish her luck, and hope my letter is well received as, I suppose, it could also be misunderstood...
Thank you for your effort on these issues.
http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com
my biggest challenge is to have faith that the rest of my life will be as rewarding as the first 50 years have been; to adjust to the new skills and limitations of the postmenopausal years and to enjoy the moment.
thanks for the three r's, i will remember to draw upon them each day.
I think the Boomer's inability to grow up is also a large part of the reason that our country has 'functioned' the way it has over the past generation. We've had narcissistic children running the country and it shows. Now Boomers' children and grandchildren are going to be left to clean up while their parents (once again) go off and 'reinvent' themselves on our dime. How about you just grow old gracefully and be glad you have us paying your social security - because god knows, we certainly won't have any social security to comfort us in our old age.
Who are you and who do you want to be? Well, BE that person already! I am _profoundly_ interested in people who are _always_ COMPLETELY themselves. And, hopefully, that person is pretty cool...
Sorry we can't all be as perfect as you.