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A Patriotic Guide and Mantra to Prove You're Non-Threatening

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In honor of the dishonorable smearing of Obama, Arabs and Muslims [note: Arabs only comprise 20% of the Muslim world, and many Arabs are actually Christians], the incessant request of many concerned pundits demanding perennial affirmation of patriotism from anyone deemed "foreign," and a paranoid American environment where anything darker than vanilla can set off a National Emergency Alert and spark a "Rainbow" color Terrorist Warning, allow me to humbly offer this easy guide and mantra.

This will help you avoid suspicion and potential detention, while offering proof and immediate gratification to any detractors suspicious of your America-holic tendencies. In fact, if you follow these steps you will probably fatally overdose on America-tonic.

The Rules

1) You must wear an Uncle Sam Red, White and Blue top hat.

2) Please try to wear the Red, White and Blue stars and stripes vest and long pants.

3) Wear a long sleeved, collared White shirt.

3a) You can roll up your sleeves [make sure the shirt is White and has collars], but don't appear aggressive, "uppity," or "standoffish-y."

4) Smile. A lot. Always. Like a Cheshire cat - ear to ear, grinning randomly for no apparent reason.

5) Show teeth. Lots of White teeth. Use Arm and Hammer Baking Soda for maximum Whitening effect. Also use Listerine and try flossing as to not terrify children.

6) Wear an American flag pin [also cuff links if you can - that will get you extra American Brownie Points.]

7) Get a Ronald Reagan Tattoo...on your face.

8 ) Name your child Ronald, if he be a boy. Reagan, if she be a girl. "Hillary" if they are "mentally challenged." Oliver North, G. Gordon or Scooter if they are delinquents.

9) Frantically [but in a non-threatening and non-aggressive manner] wave two mini American flags in both hands at all times.

10) Incessantly repeat the following mantra, preferably in an endearing, goofy, amusing "ethnic accent" [think Balki from "Perfect Strangers" or Apu from "The Simpsons"]

The America-holic Mantra

"I Love America!
Hot Dog! Hot Dog!
1-2-3!
A-B-C!
C-D-E!

Britney Spears, Britney Spears!
Lindsay Lohan and Ellen Degeneres?
I have no Fears!

Hunt Moose! Hunt Moose!
As long as you drink God's Juice!

If I am Maverick!
Then, you must be Goose!

U-S-A! U-S-A!
I am OK and not The Gay!

I am not illegal, Can't You See?
NY Yankees?
You and Me!