TIME: 8 p.m., November 2010
SETTING: Fox News studio, the set of Bill O'Reilly's "O'Reilly Factor"
Bill O'Reilly: Welcome back, loyal viewers. Now, you all might recall that "I won the war on Christmas" a few years ago. But the forces of darkness are always creeping -- like sharia -- and it seems they have risen from their weed-induced slumber. The atheists are now using billboard propaganda on our children to erase Christ from Christmas!
The Jews and Muslims apparently can't find peace in the Middle East, but they sure can join forces to declare war on Christmas and blow up our Christmas trees! And who can blame them? They're simply taking the cue from President Obama's government.
Well, today, "The O'Reilly Factor" has received an Iranian nuclear bomb of an exclusive. Government documents containing confidential, top-secret information obtained by a patriotic whistle-blower have been leaked.
These Weakileaks conclusively prove a long-term, strategic agenda organized by President Obama, socialists, Muslims, secularists, atheists, liberals, gays and Jews to effectively annihilate all vestiges of traditional Christmas images, icons, themes and messages from America. Respectable news outlets, such as Atlas Shrugged and WorldNetDaily, are joining FoxNews.com in publishing these leaks.
Below find some of the highlights on how they seek to destroy "Christmas":
The War on American Culture
• will.i.am is currently in the studios remixing Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" and renaming it "Biracial, Multicultural Holidays." An a cappella version will be released by Yusuf Islam.
• The ACLU is actively lobbying Congress to criminalize public displays of "The Nativity Scene" that exclusively portray the birth of Jesus. Christian religious scenes will only be allowed if they are accompanied with the following exhibits: a wax figure of Charlton Heston playing either "abandoned baby Moses in a basket" or "angry Moses parting the Red Sea"; a wax figure of Keanu Reeves as Buddha receiving enlightenment under the Fig Tree; a censored drawing of the Prophet Muhammad receiving revelation; a statue of Vishnu or Ganesh adorned with garlands; Xenu's spaceship.
• An Arabian Palm Tree will be the official White House Christmas tree for the Obamas.
• By 2012, "Christmas Trees" all around America shall be officially renamed "Miscegenation Trees," and evergreens will be replaced by a new hybrid of olive and date trees.
• "Gingerbread Men" shall be renamed "Gingerbread People" in order to emasculate white, heterosexual men and promote a gender-neutral, androgynous society.
• The "Gingerbread People" shall be adorned with rainbow frosting and tight biker shorts.
The War on the American Economy
• With the U.S. economy effectively doomed by 2013, "Christmas Eve" will be renamed "Lower Your Expectations and Learn to Deal -- Eve."
• In 2014, "Black Friday" will be rebranded a national holiday celebrating revolutionary African-American activists and protest movements. Jheri curls and Afro wigs will be deeply discounted on that day only.
• As a result of planned Affirmative Action initiatives, malls can no longer employ white men to play Santa. Instead, only dark-skinned men will be hired to play Santa.
• Obama will eventually socialize Christmas to ensure every child, regardless of wealth or privilege, receives at least one government-subsidized toy, thereby increasing government taxes and spending and further crippling the economy -- as per his primary mission directive.
• Dora the Explorer will be renamed Dora the Red Army Explorer; Thomas the Train shall be repackaged with Chairman Mao's face and renamed "Mao's Peoples' Train"; a plastic, movable head of Kim Jong Il will be attached to existing "Ken" dolls, effectively renaming "Ken and Barbie's Playhouse" to "Kim Jong Il and Random White Woman's Communist Republic."
The War on the American Media
• "The Jews" will officially announce that they in fact actually do own Hollywood and the media. They will remove all traces of "Miracle on 34th Street" from television broadcasts and brazenly replace it with "The Chosen" starring Robby Benson.
• NPR will lead a smear campaign to destroy all "Christian artists" or musicians that popularize traditional Christmas songs, such as Mannheim Steamroller and Amy Grant, by labeling them "unprofessional."
• The gays will rewrite the narrative of the North Pole elves as being a colorful and quirky community of out gay men. The novel and subsequent musical will be titled "Santa's Little Helpers."
• The socialists will write the sequel in which the gay elves decide to protest the North Pole's oppressive working conditions. They successfully form an effective labor union to collectively bargain for fair wages and equal rights. The sequel is titled "Hammer, Sickle and Dimed."
The War on American Children
• With the help of cartoons, movies, books and Internet sites, there will be an aggressive character assassination of Santa Claus so children can have an easy scapegoat instead of the U.S. government when their parents are unable to explain to them why they couldn't afford Christmas toys.
• In addition to implementing draconian working conditions for his homosexual elven helpers, Santa Claus will be shown as a notorious adulterer and sex-a-holic with a weakness for cheap, trashy blond girls.
• Ms. Claus will subsequently divorce him and find solace in the arms of a bisexual Tinkerbell, who will allow her to finally discover her repressed lesbian identity. Ms. Claus will have plastic surgery to get Angelina Jolie lips and smooth out her wrinkles and saggy neck. She will star in her own reality TV show, "The Real Lesbian Housewives of Never-Never Land," and eventually become notorious, world-famous and wealthy with the help of a leaked online porn video co-starring Prince Charming.
• In order to desensitize children to the increasing reality of foreclosures, holiday books will be rewritten to depict Santa Claus as a reckless homeowner who took out mortgages he couldn't afford thereby necessitating Wells Fargo to foreclose on the North Pole. The property will be sold to oil-rich, Emirate sheiks as compensation for favorable oil prices. The sheiks will attempt to create "the Middle Eastern Las Vegas ... on snow!"
• Michelle Obama's "War on Obesity" will target Santa Claus as a textbook example of calorie intake gone awry. Santa will eventually become a self-loathing, depressed alcoholic and tragically die of a cardiac arrest while eating a double pounder moose-burger with cheese and masturbating to photos of Sarah Palin.
• Children will be taught that Frosty the Snowman no longer exists because he melted due to global warming.
• Children will be taught that John Boehner is the Grinch.
• The cause of Rudolph the Reindeer's red nose will be revealed as a debilitating cocaine addiction. Rudolph will eventually kick his habit and go on a national "anti-drug" speaking campaign to schoolchildren reindeer. However, Rudolph still suffers from pain caused by his reckless life thereby necessitating medicinal marijuana, which he smokes nightly before going to bed. This will help pave the way for legalizing pot.
Originally published on Salon