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The 2003 Colin Powell: A Politically Incorrect [But Honest!] Satire About Bush's First Administration

11/26/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

[In honor of the end of the Bush Administration, I share with you this piece from 2004 written after the invasion of Iraq. Starring Hall of Famers Bush II, Colin Powell and Ashcroft.]

Characters:
[G.B] (Kind of hyper, a little dumb, like Yosemite Sam)

[C.P] (Kind of calm and repressed emotions - much like Smithers from The Simpsons)

Locations:

An Office that might be Oval.

Also a prestigious Hall.

[G.B]

(Wearing an oversized cowboy hat, chaps, spurs, and sheriff's badge. Holding two authentic old school six shooters. Standing on his desk)

Bam Bam!!

[C.P]
(Wearing a tailored, Neiman Marcus three piece suit -- somber yet refined)

Stop that.

[G.B]

I said Bam Bam!!

[C.P ]

Stop that, sir.

[G.B.]

Stop that, Mr. President to you, BOY.

[C.P ]

Stop that, Mr. President.

(Pause, humiliated)

Please refrain from calling me Boy.

[G.B]

(Oblivious)

Why's that, Boy?

[C.P.]

Well - sir - it's rather obvious.

[G.B.]

Obvious to you, but not me. HA! Get the Joke?

[C.P.]

Um, There was no joke .sir. Usually, in a joke there is a delivery then a punch line, but I failed to see both in your --

[G.B.]

Bam Bam!! Gotcha with my six ahooter!

[C.P.]

I thought we already stopped that, sir.

[G.B.]

I stopped calling you a BOY. We are clear on that. Affirmative. Like Affirmative... Action -- but that ain't happening, now is it? Get it? Ha. Now that's a joke even you can appreciate, Chocolate.

[C.P ]

(Simmering, but containing anger)

No sir.

[G.B]

(Direct)
You are questioning my leadership, son?

[C.P]

(Shocked)

Son!?

[G.B]

(Hands on hips, closes eyes)

Shoot!

[C.P.]

No, I meant - the, wait, son? SON!?!? I'm older than you.

[G.B]

(Like a child, exasperated)

I meant shoot your bow and arrow, Injun! -- and no you ain't older! Yeehaw!!

[C.P.]

My bow and arrow? What in God's name?

[G.B.]

(Solemn)

Don't blasphemasize the Holy Lord's name. Not in this office, you heathen.

[C.P.]

Sir, I was not blasphemersizering... (Voice trails, then suddenly becomes forceful), and I am God fearing. And I'm older than you!

[G.B]

(Confrontational)

Prove it, Shaka!

[C.P]

Shaka?!?! What - I - you just came to our house for my 65th!

[G.B]

(Oblivious)

Yeah, now you gettin' it, Zulu! Bam Bam!! Now you shoot! And do one of them tribal dances. Try to scalp me. It'll b fun. I dare ya, yellar'

[C.P.]

(Aside)

Oh, dear God, sweet Lord, Mary Mother, look what I'm reduced to -. Sir, respectfully, in age, I am older to you, thus able to give you counsel in matters of security. I will completely disregard any and all recent mentions of this Shaka Zulu.

[G.B]

Didn't know a secretary could do all that. You're just supposed to file the papers and fax my memos. Someone give this BOY a raise.

[C.P. ]

With the Boy again [Exasperated sigh]...Sir, I'm not that type of secretary, I'm ..

[G.B]

Make me my coffee!!

[C.P.]

Excuse me?

[G.B]

I want my coffee! Waaa! Waaa!

[C.P.]

Your coffee?!?!

[G.B.]

That's right, Helen Keller. Make me my coffee. Make it black - like you. Bwahaha. Ya heard that? And use Sugar, no Equal - that ungodly substance reminds me of the Devil's white piss...reminds me of my sinning days. Days of the prodigal son as were mentioned in the Bible in that one Gospel -- that one I read every day -- yeah, um, that one.

[C.P.]

Sir, your father never treated us -

[G.B.]

(Violent outburst)

Don't you never ever ever take that horrible man's name in this office again!

(Weeping to himself)

I thought we all understand that HE was never to be mentioned except as "Baddy Daddy" or "Daddy who no lovey Georgie!" Next man who does that is gonna get the firin' squad.

(Calls up A.Croft)

Hey, buddy, God loves you too. Can we add Firin' Squad in Patriot II? How about Cowboys and Indians? That's what I'm sayin'! We'll ride on horses and lasso em in. Yeehaw! Jesus loves ya'. (Hangs up)

[G.B.]

Why can't you be more like A.C.?

[C.P.]

Like how?

[G.B.]

Like more God fearing and into Cowboys and Injuns and roundin' up folk and terrorizing 'em for poops and giggles -- and more into the ol' Bible reading and choiring -- and boozing it up time to time, although he quit the liquor -- and you, quit being so Blackity on me, Benson.

[C.P.]

(Lowers head in resignation and defeat -- sighs a deep sigh)

Mr. President Sir, I am about to address the Security Council. They will be looking to us for direction and, dare I say, explanations for the recent dire turn of events. This can be problematic. To assure credibility and foster an international community, what do you, oh Mr. President, recommend I tell those countries who might object to some of our actions?

[G.B.] (Turns around and gives a howling smile)

Minutes Later. At the Security Council Meeting.

[Enter C.P.]
(Dressed in moccasins, war feathers, war paint, and buffalo cloth vest, approaching the podium.)

[C.P.]

Dear respected members of the international community; I wholeheartedly appreciate you joining us for this emergency mission. I know many of you are upset and questioning our motives and recent actions. For those respective countries that may entertain these questions, doubts, or concerns, I have a message from the President himself: "Bam Bam!"

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