Transformers 2: Revenge of the Soulless Hollywood Machine

Arguably the "biggest movie of the summer," Transformers 2 is also the most soulless and mind numbingly awful, which is impressive considering the litany of cinematic trains wrecks we've endured the past two months: Wolverine, Angels and Demons, Terminator Salvation and so forth.

Like most relics of the 80's, I cherish my nostalgic memories of watching Optimus Prime battle Megatron and his Decepticons while trying to transform my mangled, brutally worn out Starscream toy. This movie almost single handedly molested my childhood soul and tarnished those googly-tingly memories of Saturday morning goodness.

Michael Bay is quickly emerging as cinematic equivalent of a successful, slick Don King who repeatedly sells shiny tricks to a fast food nation population who is lured by special effects, explosions and hot babes [like yours truly!] The man must have made some Faustian bargain with the Devil -- he keeps churning out blockbuster movies one after another yet somewhere along the way he undoubtedly sacrificed his artistic integrity, the semblance of a coherent narrative, realistic and interesting characters, and the ingredients of wit and ingenuity. [Although I did enjoy the original Bad Boys and The Rock.]

Furthermore, I'm finally convinced Michael Bay has no black friends, or thinks all black people come from 1920's D.W. Griffith movies. In Transformers 1, the only "black" Transformer, Jazz, talks in nonsense "Jive-talk" and inexplicably dances around only to be killed in the most meaningless and dishonorable manner by Megatron. His Autobot buddies give him one line of a eulogy and then just casually toss his dead carcass aside.

In the current flick, we now have the cinematic equivalent of the Ying-Yang twins and the Black Crows from the Dumbo Disney cartoon. These two buffoon Transformers are known as "The Twins" and watching them was laughable, embarrassing and completely uncomfortable. They talk in some sort of urban hip hop slang that can only be manufactured by writers whose entire concept of black people is Flava Flav; they have gold teeth; they talk about "getting up on that ass," and finally they confess their illiteracy since they "don't care to read much."

However, it's a popcorn, summer nonsense movie, and one must not expect cultural sensitivities or intellectual prowess. What's most insulting is the absolute, utter disregard for any comprehensible plot or remotely interesting characters to inhabit the screen. In fact, I wanted to punch all the characters in the face or knee them in the gonads with appropriate vigor corresponding to their level of annoyance. The ones who deserve admonishment first and foremost are Shia's parents, especially the Mom character, who decides to eat weed brownies and then proceeds to terrorize the college campus during orientation day. [Talented actors Kevin Dunn and Julie White wasted in horribly written roles.] Then, I would like to rid my memory of the jive-talking Transformer "Twins." Moving on, we take a swift hammer to the head of the robot that humps the leg of Megan Fox for apparently no reason. After that every single human character must be forced to staple their mouths shut, give one another painful nipple twists, and then jump in unison out of a flying plane without a parachute landing on a heaping pile of broken glass.

The most heinous hazing must be reserved for the screenwriters, who are also surprisingly responsible for this year's fresh and exciting Star Trek, and the director Bay who brutally bombarded me over the head with 150 minutes of mind numbing, eardrum shattering pointless action sequences that were filmed in a blur resulting in a visual, incoherent mess which made my eyes hurt. I thought Robot Fights would be testosterone induced, orgasmic cinematic highs, but I mostly felt extreme annoyance trying to figure out what the hell I was seeing through Bay's repeated use of noisy, violent quick cuts.

Let us not forget the brilliant dialogue. It consists mostly of Shia Labeouf yelling "OPTIMUS!" or "BUMBLEBEE!" and outrunning alien machines that inexcusably fail to kill him despite having nearly 30 easy attempts to do just that.

As I grew shiftless, irritated and bored, I thought at least I can enjoy staring at the "sex on legs" that is Megan Fox. However, she barely registers primarily because her character is underwritten and mostly meaningless. But also because her facial expressions are paralyzed by botox and she seemed incapable of closing her lips due to heavy collagen shots.

All I wanted was some good, plain ol' dumb mash-em-up fun. But, no, Bay and company had to ruin my low expectations and in the process demean the blessed memory of my beloved Transformers. It matters not: the movie will make a gazillion dollars, sell a grillion toys, and its inevitably longer, noisier, more digitally action-y and ultimately pointless sequel will be released in two years.

Follow Wajahat Ali on Twitter: www.twitter.com/WajahatAli

Comments

[kittyarmy]

I was a big fan of Transformers as a kid. When I first heard the movie was coming out a couple of years ago I was quite excited. Then I found out Michael Bay was doing it. I had flashbacks of "Pearl Harbor". Still haven't seen any of the Transformers movies.

[chrispychilla28]

Do yourself a favor, don't see EITHER!

[ephoenix5]

I saw Transformers 2, and I must agree with Mr. Ali. This movie was seriously lacking on many levels -- Don't get me wrong, I think it is still worth the admissions price -- and that's probably what Bay was interested in -- just getting people to go see it -- as opposed to making a genuinely good movie. The action sequences and the half-baked plot was good, but only because of my hunger to know more about the transformers and how the events came about -- but it takes a tremendous amount of will power to overlook the flaws to try to keep watching.

And yeah -- you are going to tell me that machines with radar guided targetting are going to miss a boy trying to outrun them on foot? When they are all constantely firing at him for about 10 minutes -- I think not. That was certainly one of the most unrealistic moments of the movie. They shouldn't have tried to do that -- they made the whole point of the movie to be the boy running accross the desert to a Optimus Prime -- it was good facinating action and yet it dragged on forever in the most unbelievable way -- and I use unbelievable in a negative fashion here.

[macchugsid]

I am going to step in here and say that way to many times people do not get what they expect because they expect to much.

This movie is really not much different than the first. Maybe a little longer. This is not Shakespeare. For gods sakes, it is based on cartoon characters people. Lighten up! When I go to movies like this (I went to see this yesterday) I do not expect deep plots and dialogue. This is nothing more than popcorn and soda escapism period. All of you arm chair movies critics need to get over yourselves. The movie is great for what it is. Lots of special effects action and explosions. Enjoy it for what it is and try not to make it more than that.

[PresidentRobertBooth]

Go see Star Trek again

[ramblingjohnny]

Uwe Boll is no longer king of crappy movie long live king Bay the first!

[LMPE]

I have no plans to see that movie. "Bruno" and the next Harry Potter movie are my only cinematic plans for this summer. Michael Bay is probably the worst director out there (along with Stephen Herek).

[petekwando]

I know I should get over it, but it's supremely annoying to me that the best reviewed summer movies so far - Star Trek and Up - will probably be eclipsed by this steaming pile of crap, for no other reason than it is so heavily marketed. It's very telling that Bay laughs off critics and reviewers, but sweated bullets when he thought the studio wasn't promoting the film enough. I suspect this is because he realizes his own skills are irrelevant to the success of the film, it's all about marketing. He's essentially an obnoxious and talentless salesman whose only real skill is the ability to attach himself to projects with massive budgets, where his awful directing can be buried under sheer dollars spent.

But really, he isn't to blame. It's the movie going public, who will eat up this drivel. They won't come away thinking its good movie, but they will shrug and say "whatever," as if it wasn't a matter of free will to buy a ticket.

Yeah, I try not to care, but the movie-going public always seems to be able to disappoint me anew, each year.

[BlackJAC]

Sounds like somebody's application to Dov S-S Simens' Two-Day Film School was rejected.

[sisterdebmac]

Well said, couldn't agree more.

[smacklooshis]

Ha ha! I thought I was just getting old - action sequences are getting too fast to be able to properly take in what's going on!

I wish Hollywood would "get" that this is why ticket sales are going down - bad product.

[hazepurple]

This movie was a complete waste of my time. I actually fell asleep for a part of it. The "twins" were embarrassing and have no purpose to the film at all. Why would a robot have a gold tooth? Just another summer block buster with no plot but tons of explosions.

[sisterdebmac]

Why would a robot have b a l l s?

[Causual Reader]

Wajahat Ali,

Wow, your article was very insightful. At first I thought, "man this guy is slashing everybody on sight" but I quickly focused my attention when you mentioned "Jazz". Hollywood could have done something more progressive with Jazz but instead opted to the same old bull. I'll be sure to let the bootleg man get my $4 instead of Hollywood.

[OkieIntellectual]

same here. I am so glad I downloaded this movie instead of actually paying for it. absolute drek

[rjmiller]

I'm waiting for a Megan Fox-only fan edit, as that is the only part of the film I am even remotely interested in. She's hot, and that is enough to get me to watch about 10 minutes of film, not 150.