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Waldo Mellon
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Waldo Mellon wishes he had more writing credits to boast about, but he doesn’t. He did go to a fancy, expensive college, yet most of the things that got stuffed into his head there are now nowhere to be found. In fact, he has a breath-taking lack of the kind of knowledge that comes from things he’s read and things he’s been told, as opposed to things he’s experienced. He likes his life very much, and that’s the vat he seems to draw from. He has worked in TV and movies and now lives in the hills of western Massachusetts with his wife and two boys.

Entries by Waldo Mellon

Regrets

(0) Comments | Posted May 16, 2013 | 5:32 PM

Dear Waldo,

I'm seventy one, and I just got made a widow for the fourth time, and I am just so filled with regrets. Everything's ok if I do something such as go to work or the movies or watch tv or read a book, but the minute I stop...

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Eye Contact

(2) Comments | Posted April 9, 2013 | 12:54 PM

Dear Waldo,

I have a terrible problem I hope you can help me with. I'm a fairly quiet guy and I don't dress particularly flashy or anything. But I get pushed around and beaten up all the time. People say the reason they slug me or fling me around is...

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The Five You Gang

(0) Comments | Posted March 11, 2013 | 11:18 AM

Dear Waldo,

I go out to parties and sometimes I think I'm pretty hot stuff. Then I come home and I go over some of the things I did and said and I think what an asshole I am. And then I go to bed, and I lie there wondering,...

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Whisperjet

(0) Comments | Posted February 12, 2013 | 5:59 PM

Dear Waldo,

Every time I open the papers or my webpage there's news of people doing horrible things. And I do mean horrible. People opening fire in movie theaters, people throwing babies off of a bridge, people eating somebody else's face off. I'm not perfect. Once I got so angry...

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A Brand-New Word!

(0) Comments | Posted January 15, 2013 | 11:30 AM

Hello Anyone,

I'm goofy with excitement, because I'm about launch a brand new word which, if you let it, will change the way you look at everything forever. In honor of this, I'm asking you to imagine marching bands and pep squads with pom-poms and maybe even a couple clowns...

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The Girl on the Veranda

(0) Comments | Posted December 31, 2012 | 2:25 PM

Dear Waldo,

I keep having this same fantasy. A beautiful woman is standing on a veranda high in the mountains looking out at the sea, and a soft summer wind is blowing her loose cotton dress, and her long hazel ringlets move against the bronze of her back as she...

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Mister Doomygloomydoomypuss

(1) Comments | Posted December 5, 2012 | 11:52 AM

Hey Waldo,

I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can see something ain't right. Just look around. The population's blasting through the roof. We're drowning in our own garbage and three quarters of folks are living on less than a dollar a day, going hungry,...

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Waldo's Marriage Quiz

(1) Comments | Posted November 26, 2012 | 3:40 PM

Dear Waldo,

Me and Jenny got us a problem here. We're thinking about getting married, but our families are not exactly rich in love stories. My father's been married four times, my mother's been married three times, my brother's never been married but has three kids by three different mothers,...

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Chemical Stunts

(0) Comments | Posted November 15, 2012 | 1:48 PM

Dear Waldo,

My moron brother Lance is always talking about outer space. He's obsessed with the idea that there's millions and millions of other planets with life on them. When I say he's a moron I mean he's an actual moron. Not an idiot or an imbecile, which is lower...

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Treasure Box

(0) Comments | Posted November 5, 2012 | 10:11 AM

Dear Waldo,

I have done a horrible thing. It's such a horrible thing that I can't tell anybody. Nobody but me knows I did it. I did not break a law or anything like that, and I did not physically hurt anybody, but still what I did makes me feel...

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Kissing

(1) Comments | Posted October 25, 2012 | 6:32 PM

Dear Waldo,

I'm having a problem with kissing. Don't get me wrong. I've kissed plenty. But when I kiss these days all I think about is what I think about when I'm sheet rocking. See, I'm a sheet rocker. The seams have to be perfect when you're putting up plasterboard....

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Combos

(0) Comments | Posted October 16, 2012 | 4:45 PM

Dear Mr. Mellon,

I am a security guard in a federal prison. When you say life is hard, and that it is all chaos, no offense but I get the feeling that perhaps you have not seen hard living or real chaos. Come to work with me some day, any...

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Animal Behavior

(4) Comments | Posted October 10, 2012 | 2:50 PM

Dear Mr. Mellon,

I am going to give you ten arguments, among millions, in no particular order, why you are so full of shit when it comes your central theme that a Human Being is just another animal, just another "work in progress" as you so glibly call it. The...

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Luck

(0) Comments | Posted October 5, 2012 | 4:00 PM

Yo Asswipe,

It's me again and I've had it with this fucking blog of yours and your chirpiness. That's right. Your fucking chirpiness. All you ever do is say the same thing in a chirpy tone over and over again only in different words, which is Pal, change the way...

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Your Chickens

(0) Comments | Posted September 24, 2012 | 3:37 PM

Dear Waldo,

I've known Carla ever since we were little girls in kindergarten. We were best friends right up through high school. But now we're forty-six, and when she calls, I've been having the thought that if I didn't know this person, I very well might just hang right up...

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Power

(0) Comments | Posted September 14, 2012 | 5:00 PM

Dear Waldo,

I'm going to tell you right up front that I'm a guy who fucks up a lot and it's no goddam good although it did lead to the idea I'm writing to you about. As you may be able to decipher from my use of decipher, I'm a...

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Finding Reverse

(0) Comments | Posted September 10, 2012 | 1:30 PM

Dear Waldo,

I know this is not the kind of question you usually answer, but I am the mother of three boys and I have a compost pile in my yard. Lots of times fat and slow-moving porcupines come foraging in it. My 12-year-old has scared the wits out of...

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Russian Nesting Dolls

(1) Comments | Posted September 3, 2012 | 12:20 PM

Dear Waldo,

Two years ago, while doing graduate work in physics at Stanford University, I fell in love with someone simply because of the conversations we had. We would rush through love-making just so we could return to what we had been talking about, which most of the time was...

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Death My Ass

(1) Comments | Posted August 28, 2012 | 2:43 PM

Dear Waldo,

I'm a long distance truck driver, and my cb handle is The Doom Master because all I think about is death. The main thing I don't get is how if someone (God) has the skillset to create people, then how can that same someone (God) not just make...

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Good and Bad

(3) Comments | Posted August 23, 2012 | 6:10 PM

Dear Waldo,

My husband and I have had a running argument throughout our lives together about a particular issue. We both have embarrassingly high paying jobs, and so we've made a rather substantial bet with each other about who is right and who is wrong. We've polled many, many of...

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