03/05/2009 12:43 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

All Heil Rush!!!

Well, I guess we all found out who the de facto leader of the Republican Remnant was this week, as RNC Chairman Michael Steele had to polish up his cue-ball head real special, get down on his rickety half-century old knees, and kiss the ring permanently wedged onto a certain popular persona's plump porcine, OxyContin-stained pinky. Yes indeedy, Mikey's middle-aged self-flagellation in front of Chief Waga-Waga El Rushbo of the El Conservo Tribe was immensely gratifying to Dittoheads and Long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested, good time rock 'n roll plastic banana FM-types alike.


(All Rushisms have been duly bolded and put in italics)

Its official, folks: the Redheaded Stepchild Party is now being led by a second-semester Southeast Missouri State University dropout whose mommy dearest claims he "flunked everything," including Modern Ballroom Dancing (especially shocking given his unique anti-svelte physique and solid ham-hock-thunder-thighed foundation). So Dumbo is now in charge of the elephants. Only his large goofy ears don't have the ability to fly--in fact they can barely hear due to his rabid consumption of pachyderm-sized portions of the ole Hillbilly Heroin. Yee-haw!

What is it with the Right Wing and their obsession with under-educated broadcast journalists anywho? It's not just the Chief of the Patriotism Police I speak of, but Joe Biden's former Rapture Queen arch-nemesis Sarah Palin (who was just recently one old melanomy-heartbeat away from the Oval Office). Let's review her intellectual credentials (since she has the political resilience of a Sith Lord and most certainly will return). A former runner-up Miss Alaska who took six years, going to five different colleges, finally graduating from the University of Idaho (not Harvard, Princeton or Yale) for a degree in communications-journalism. Now, let's just stop at the University of Idaho for a sec, shall we? I'm sorry, we need to set standards. If you graduate from the University of Idaho you are not allowed to run for President of the United States. I don't care if you're the Phi Beta Kappa of Potato Research, the best and the brightest the Dust Bowl has to offer (let alone a second-rate hairdo of a sportscaster for an arctic hick affiliate in Anchorage (KTUU-TV)). ACCESS DENIED! Not to mention certain McCain aides who eventually came out and said she was not even aware that Africa was a continent. Which, if true, would be kind of ironic. You'd think she would have boned up on it, being that's where her opponent came from (on daddy's side most recently and mommy's side at the origin of our species). [CLICK HERE FOR MORE]

Perhaps that's why El Rushbo (the Doctor of Democracy) continues to pimp her out presently. Long after Chris Buckley, Peggy Noonan and David Brooks retreated with a minor modicum of their remaining self-respect and intellectual integrity (reluctantly backing Obama). Not only do the Maha Rushie and ole Barracuda share the self-same anemic academic prowess of a Twinkie, but both valiantly suffered through the Sisyphean struggles of Survey of Mass Communication 101 and mastering the avoidance of The 7 Deadly Camera Sins.

Rush, however, was ultimately blessed with a face for radio and now spends much of his time bombastically battering more objective media fare like Meet the Depressed with David Gregory and in a constant state of befuddlement and envy as to how Paul "the Forehead" Begala is able to be a regular talking head while he is forced to hide behind a microphone in a windowless studio stuffing his fat face with Pringles Potato Chips and warm Diet Cokes (apparently his dithering Dittoheads were not nearly enough to provide a rating Rusholution on the ole Nielsen Box, as his failed syndicated TV venture was mercifully put out of it's misery in 1996).

Yet the Red-State Remainder continues to cower in front of this blathering toll troll on their Bridge to Nowhere. Recent polls have placed his public popularity ratings beneath Rev. Jeremiah Wright and William Ayers (but then Dr. Frankenstein was always less popular than his creations). Yet the Pubs continue to heed his word and hedge criticism. There is no corresponding force on the Left. We are actually allowed to critique our media for their content. We can even rag on Keith Olberman's Easter Island head and schoolboy Edward R. Murrow crush, or make snarky remarks about Rachel Maddow's awful pageboy haircut and ill-fitting butchy blazers, with no consequences. Perhaps even more important, our politicians can freely disagree with their unholy opinions without being forced to prostrate themselves publicly for penance. However, when a particular ideologically slanted media icon, with no relation to the voice of the majority of the people, begins to control and influence the government... that is facism. All Heil Rush???