Hate to Smudge the Lipstick but Could We Get a Muzzle for that Pitbull?

Enough is enough, Sarah. It's over. You lost. Please get off my analog-wave-free television screen and fade to obscurity. Seriously, don't you have an imminent Rapture to prepare for in the Land of the Midnight Sun, perhaps some freshly murdered moose stew simmering on the stove to stir or a pack of wolves to mow down from an Apache helicopter (aided by your trusty night-vision goggles and the shotgun you used to pressure backwoods lothario Levi Johnston into proposing matrimony to your defiled progeny--that is before the American public voted against you and you realized perhaps your cold-hearted political calculations were not in Bristol's best interests).

Oh and there is always that state you're supposed to be governing...what's it called? Alaska. Remember, you're the governor of Alaska! Sure it's only 626,932 people (not nearly as many as even one paltry Nielson point representing those watching as you desperately try to keep your media- contrived feud with Letterman alive on the Today Show so you do not peter out from the public eye for a nanosecond) but they are kinda like depending on you and stuff. And perhaps if you spent more time out of the Big City and up on the tundra you wouldn't have to filch your speeches from Newt Gingrich and you could learn to be the doting parent you pretend to be on the big screen (opportunistically dragging your brood in and out of the spotlight so your give-'em-hell soccer mom silhouette can be featured prominently in the periphery). You betcha!

You're the joke and the punchline, a ratings ploy, a rejected reality-show pitch, a residual check for Tina Fey that she'll use to treat herself to a carefree pampered day at the spa followed by a nice juicy porterhouse din- din at Peter Luger's. The annoying non-gadfly on the pile of excrement calling itself the GOP base who's only reason for existence is that no one can stomach the smell long enough to swat you.

No one takes you in earnest. You're simply a side-show freak in the corner of the Republican tent that everyone points and titters at as you continue to bark and sell tickets to your own dwindling, embarrassing performances--ultimately destined to the fate of the sad, sodden, bedraggled bearded lady who's been laid off by the circus. Sitting alone on a park bench, all hunched up and forlorn in a tattered terry-cloth robe and dirty pink bunny slippers, with her little grizzled granny goatee and soul patch, heroically feeding the pigeons on a paint-chipped bench...not a flame-breathing midget juggler or unicycling pink poodle in sight. Ba da da da da da da da da da... tears.

Please disappear.

Comments

[dgood]

Warren, that was perfect.

[trisha08]

Great piece. Thanks for the laugh.

Isn't it interesting that Palin keeps saying "the kids are off limits" yet she recently verbally attacked Levi in the press. She is the Governor of Alaska and she was calling out a teenage boy in the media by calling him a liar and an opportunist (when he appeared on the Tyra Show).

Where is the outrage that a sitting Governor verbally attacked a teenager?

It seems (according to Palin) the kids are off limits unless Palin is the one throwing the darts.

Talk about a double standard.

[Jilly Gagnon - Huffpost Blogger]

It's because she throws the darts from PLANES. Clearly being up so high PHYSICALLY affects the sorts of bombs it's fair for her to lob VERBALLY. Yes? Yes??

[SpaceboySD]

Thank you SO much for a much needed laugh, Warren. That was great. The icing on the cake was your link to your story about that creepy Jonathan Krohn kid (talk about nightmare fuel, Jesus). I laughed out loud reading both pieces, you're hilarious. Can't wait to read more of your stuff.

[MIZZOU-DMCRT-PLEXICO]

Top Ten Things to Describe a Stupid Person


1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.


2. A few clowns short of a circus.


3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.


4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.


5. A few beers short of a six-pack.


6. A few peas short of a casserole.


7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.


8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.


9. One taco short of a combination plate.


10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

[wallyman]

Palin is like a pebble in my shoe

[LMPE]

Well, she does provide fodder for Jon Stewart.

[tallyho1]

9) Conservatives judge people by the way they look:
I just laugh when I hear this one. If you saw me you would not guess I was a Conservative, Why? Because people think that Conservatives have a Conservative dress code. Um no. My politics have nothing to do with the clothes I wear, and I don't care what others choose to put on their bodies. In fact I have tattoos and piercings and used to have half my head shaved. So there are just as many Liberals as their are Conservatives that judge a book by it's cover.
So before jumping on someone because they are Conservative, listen to their points. Don't assume you know why they have their views. We are Democrats, Republicans, Religious Rights, Libertarians, Constitutionnalists and Federalists. I believe in small federal government and giving power back to the states. Don't generalize us. WE can all learn from each other, and really think about what you say before you pass judgment on a Conservative by calling them names. I know the Liberals don't like being called, Bleeding Hearts, J.A.Ps, Anti-American, Feminist b*tches, or any of the other creative names that people have come up with. Love others and love America!

And GO FEDERALISM!!!!!

[kc1963]

Wow, okay.....are you done with your rant? What does any of this have to do with the above posting. The word conservative isn't even mentioned.

[Irksome]

Conservatives have things that are much more important to talk about than the actual topic at hand, you betcha, like Palin debating Joe Biden and saying, hey, I'm not going to answer that question but I want to take this opportunity to tell the good people of America this here stump speech I memorized which is very important to Joe Six Pack because of jobs and the economy which is relevant to the struggle against terrorism at home and abroad also.

[mychagal]

Tallyho1,

You' live in a dream world! There's nothing I can learn from a republican, conservative and religious nut. Many of these people should go to jail for the illegal war in Iraq that still hasn't ended, torture and for destroying the economy.

Your's is a familiar response. Unsubstantive and what does this have to do with the article?. It's like the lot of you have been taking stupid pills and can't stop.

[tallyho1]

8.) If you are Conservative you are closed minded:
Well who ever says that to me is the closed minded one. If you are not open to the thoughts and opinions of others then you are no better then a dictator. Conservatives are open to change, here is a definition to clear things up a bit: Radical change and unproven beliefs should not be quickly implemented before tested. I personally don't see anything wrong with this statement, since I am a Conservative I shouldn't. But it really gets me when people tell me they are Liberal there for open to change and are open minded. So am I and so are other Conservatives. It just means we don't like to jump the gun.

[ConfuciusSay-]

Jump the gun?

Like accepting that the theory of Evolution is mainstream science now?
Like acknowledging that habeus corpus is a necessary pillar of government?
Noooo- those are too *radical*

How about invading Iran because of the weapons of mass destruction? Which never existed?
That's a great gun to jump.

[hooklefty2]

Radical change and unproven beliefs should not be quickly implemented before tested.

Wouldn't that mean no new ideas would ever be used, do you think the earth is flat too??
Your ranting is scary and nonsensical.

[tallyho1]

6) Conservatives are anit- homosexuals:
This simply is not true. Yes there are many people, especially in the Religious Right who are against gay rights. But there are many many conservatives who don't give a rats ass if Homosexuals serve in our armed forces or choose to get married. Another quote from Barry Goldwater: “Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar.”[20] He also said, “You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.”
7) If you are Conservative you support the Pro-War and Bush:
First and foremost I despise the term "pro-war". Nobody, but the mentally ill is pro death. And just because you differ in what the president or future president should do with the situation in Iraq does not mean you are pro war or pro Bush. Heck you could even agree with how Bush entered the Iraq and still not be pro Bush. I hate Bill Clinton, that does not mean that I did not agree with anything the man did while he was in office. And please don't judge a political party by George Bush (I don't consider him a true conservative anyway) and I won't judge the Democrats by Teddy Kennedy Eye-wink

[tallyho1]

5) Conservatives don't care about the Environment:
This statement is just plain stupid. Everyone but the sick and twisted care about the environment. There is a group called Republicans for the Environment or Green Republicans, but most of the Liberals out there did not know that. Just because many Conservatives are not sold on Global Warming and believe that there is more research that should be done and are against taxing and penalizing companies, that we need in the country right now and in the future for jobs, does not mean they don't care. They are not saying, things don't need to change, they are saying lets make the right decision without being rash. I am a huge advocate for the Environment. I believe we need to clean our water, work on a cleaner energy source, preserve our forests, I can go on but that is for a different post. But before you judge a Conservative on their views of the Environment listen to why they feel the way they do, and you will find out it has nothing to do with them not caring what happens to the earth. And if you really want to do something constructive stop buying things made in China, for many reasons on top Environmental issues. "I do not intend that our natural resources should be exploited by the few against the interests of the many."
Theodore Roosevelt

[tallyho1]

4) Conservatives don't care about the poor:
This could not be further from the truth. My mother who is pretty much as Conservative as they come, has devoted her life to charity. From foster children, to adoption, to reading to the blind, to lecturing about the importance of teaching girls science in schools, to being a Eucharist minister and visiting the elderly on Sundays so that they can receive an important part of the faith, she also donates money. Her christian children's fund child in Mexico, when she became too old to receive the benefits my mother sent her to nursing school to end the cycle of poverty. I myself have been more poor then people can imagine because of some situations when I was a teen. I was so poor that I actually had teeth rot because of malnutrition. I wound up dropping out of High School to work. I went back a year later, graduated from High School, received my AA, then went on to get my B.A. All with honors and without federal welfare aid. And through this time I still gave to charity, because I was in the mindset that if I have a roof over my head it is better then a large portion of the world. Just because people believe in welfare reform, that they want choices where their money goes, and I personally think that it is a State issue, does NOT mean I don't care about the poor.

[tallyho1]

3) You are Conservative there for part of the Religious Right:
There are many different groups in the Republican party, and the religious right is one of them. This does NOT make all Conservatives or Republican part of the Religious right. I am a Catholic, which I have to admit has definitely swayed me in my stance of Abortion, but I do my very best to keep my faith and religion out of Politics and MANY MANY Conservatives feel the same way. Here is a great quote from Barry Goldwater:
“ When you say “radical right” today, I think of these moneymaking ventures by fellows like Pat Robertson and others who are trying to take the Republican Party and make a religious organization out of it. If that ever happens, kiss politics goodbye. ”

[tallyho1]

My list of Misconceptions:

1) All Conservatives are Republican:
Nope. This is a false statement. Since there are so many different types of Conservatives, it is hard to put a blanket statement such as that. There are fiscal Conservatives, religious conservatives, social conservatives. There are Conservative Democrats, Conservative Federalists, and so on. So to say you are Conservative therefor a Republican, is a simply not true.

2) Conservatives are people of wealth:
Well I am a Conservative and so are my parents, although my father did not start out as one. He actually started a Democrat but after working as a social worker in NYC he changed his political party. I do not come from a family of wealth. I come from a middle class family of 5 children, foster brothers and sisters, and any extra money did not go to exotic family vacations but to charity. My siblings and I all started to work at the age of 12 or 13 to put money towards our clothes and other material goods that we wanted. I never went without food and always had clothes on my back. I never NEEDED anything, but I most certainly am not from wealth, and neither are my other conservative friends.

[dmac]

So --- Huffpost wouldn't publish your blog? How many other articles' comments sections have you spammed with your little diatribe? Feel better?

Strange you didn't mention how people at gatherings tend to make up odd-sounding excuses to get away from "Conservatives". Or have you noticed that only happens to you when you start talking about your little theories?

[warriorwoman73]

Feel better now?

[ljmck]

No, please stay around, Sarah! Your voice and that of the other GOP crazies is the best thing that could happen to Democrats. It may not be best for the republic to be without a sensible voice from the right, but I just can't get myself to complain.

Do quit exploiting your kids, but keep on, oh please, with all the nutty Palin-speak.

[whirlwind56]

Yes soooooooooo well said...you betcha!

[jw]

Oh, why, oh why won't she just go away!