Sarah "Barracuda" Doesn't Sleep With The Fishes!

08/05/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

She's no dead fishy, folks! Though many are questioning her status as a vertebrate due to her lack of spine shown by not finishing what she started in the Land of the Midnight Sun. No, this live barracuda refuses to go with the flow--the path of 99% of most successful, satisfied, self-actualized people on the planet...and expired sea bait, apparently. No Zen Buddhist bullsh*t is gonna keep her from not fulfilling her compact with the people of Alaska! She made a promise and she is bound by her shattered inner-compass not to keep it, by golly.

She's not running away from concrete responsibilities and difficult decision-making, she is running towards her publishing deadline, major network pitch sessions and the fanatical love and adoration of her fractured fringe base sans the annoying albatross of things to do and accountability (outside of the meticulous maintenance of her trailer-trash-pedicured little piddies and shoppin for the perfect little mini to showcase her GILFY gams for her next inarticulate pressless-conference-backyard-block-party diatribe in Wasilla).

She is not a narcissist. She just has the good sense to realize she is better and more deserving than most people to rule the planet and prepare humanity for the end of days. No duh! It's obvious to any uneducated, backwoods creationist patriot that she was forced to endure the humiliation of merely being runner-up Miss Alaska because the Holy One, blessed be he, had bigger plans for his latter-day prophetess of perjured platitudes. Have any you read the story of Job or Abraham? You can't say she hasn't paid penance for the greater good, people! Did you see the talent portion of the pageant? She was robbed! And getting back to the Good Book, unlike ole Abe she actually went through with sacrificing her little Bristol Lynn Spears on the altar. Never hesitated. So don't you dare insinuate she lacks the get-up-and-gumption to actually follow through with anything.

Of course there are always the cynics and non-believers who insist that there is some devious underlying rationale for why she decided to release this bombshell of a story at the close-out of a news cycle on a holiday weekend (when most of the depressed populace had begun their bacchanal of binge drinking and consumption of high quantities of grill-charred, lard-filled, meat to numb their niggling concerns about mortgage foreclosures, gas prices, health care, the swine-flu pandemic, raging wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and that pesky impending threat of Nuclear Armageddon from our remaining arch-nemisi of the ole Axis of Evil trinity, and merely desired to sit on the couch like fat ticks and Tivo themselves out of existence until the pretty, multi-colored boom-boom lights appeared in the sky) but these faithless, jaded, naysayer heathens have obviously deadened themselves to the elevated spiritual concepts of synchronicity and serendipity. Everything isn't always coldly calculated and planned out. Sometimes you just need to go with the fl--um ...never mind.

And really, so what if there were other factors involved in her shot-gun resignation? There are many plausible pretexts as to why she exercised her freedom of choice to abort her governorship before it came to full term. Its not like she was hiking the Appalachian Trail with Governor Sanford after all (not his type). Perhaps she's simply chosen this precious time to prepare for her inevitable 2012 presidential run by hunkering down and finally studying how to wink more effectively (and not like an epileptic who was recently exposed to a strobe light). Maybe she's utilizing some of her rumored contractor kickbacks to renovate her porch so she can keep a better watch on those Russkies (c'mon, you all saw Rocky IV, they will stop at nothing to break us!). Perhaps she is plotting further retribution against her Late Night adversary David Letterman by finding more myriad ways to increase his ratings share. And has anyone even considered the possibility that she has gotten some insider info on the impending Rapture? Hello! Perhaps she is simply working with the First Dude and fam to single-handedly start re-populating the planet with the Chosen as fast as humanly possible (clandestinely meeting with Nadya Suleman for pointers) and getting a healthy head start on constructing an Ark big enough to hold all God's creatures... and her Saks Fifth Avenue designer wardrobe ("Lose the platypuses, Todd, I'm not leaving my Jimmy Choos!").

One thing is for sure: she is no quitter... not if you're going by the non-dictionary definition of the word... which is... um... gotta go!

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