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Starschmucks Folly: VIA, the Instant New Coke

11/30/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

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You could put lipstick on a pig, but...

So it seems that Starbucks, the U.S. brewing behemoth, has decided to hawk an upscale version of Folger's Crystals (currently gathering dust at the back of your out-of-touch nattering Nana's pantry), but don't you dare display your displeasure whilst within the immediate vicinity of one of their brainwashed baristas, or be prepared for a barrage of inane talking points and propaganda rivaling Liz Cheney's blind backing of enhanced interrogation techniques. I'm not sure what remedial reprogramming retreat these poor part-timers were forced to attend, but it was apparently led by that murderous maenad Maryanne from True Blood or a direct descendent of Jim Jones 'cause there is zero room for dissension. Resistance is futile. You simply must drink the Kool-Aid... or neo-Sanka swill.

Is it somehow surprising that the franchise's base of upscale liberal lefty latte-guzzling pseudo-intellects, who pride ourselves on being caffeination connoisseurs, might be a mite perturbed over the prospect of having a white-trash product pimped to us while trying to get our five o'clock fix and recharge our iPhones? We aren't brewing up a batch of crystal meth in the bathroom units of our double-wides, looking for a quick-fix beverage to wash down our derelict dinner of Cheez-Whiz and Ritz Crackers for Cletis's sake! Give it a rest; we don't want to take your stupid taste test! We don't care if this isn't our grandfather's instant coffee, it reminds us of our grandfather (who was last spotted hollering about health care at a town hall meeting due to a combination of dementia and Glenn Beck).

We have already agreed to pay three dollars for a cup of coffee. You've won. Don't insult our intelligence by trying to get us to pledge allegiance to an inferior un-brewed commercialized commodity conceived by some snotty young marketing exec fresh out of grad school with plans for cutting losses by diversifying your elitist appeal to the general populace. Talk about watering down your "brand". It was bad enough when you started in with that awful homogenized Pike's Peak to compete with the Dunkin' Donut's demographic and their pansy palates. And let's not forget those putrid pre-manufactured breakfast sandwiches (re-heated in those creepy gray cancer-causing ovens) prominently featured in your fly-ridden refrigerated display cases--yummers!

But for the coup de grace, it's hard to believe your insolent insistence upon undermining the entire foundation of your existence: freshly ground, percolated C. Arabica that we pay a premium for you to prepare. Something authentic to be ingested and savored as we make our way through another impersonal, cyber-connected, pre-fabricated day. The churning in our stomachs, the burning in our bowels, the bing! bing! bing! of when it finally kicks in and everything is ok in the universe again. Gradual descent into despair transforms into rocketing ascent into possibility, hope and "what if?" Why would you want to dilute that?