There are very few things now that I look forward to with the same zeal that I had as a kid. Christmas has lost its magic ever since the year my older brother made me aware that there was no Santa Claus by showing me where my parents hid our Rockem Sockem Robots. Birthdays have lost their appeal because they remind me of how many of my goals I haven't accomplished yet.
Still, every year, there is one thing that I look forward to with the same enthusiasm that I had when I was a kid: Girl Scout cookies. Every year, I look forward to supporting my local Girl Scouts - and to eating the cookies. I once ate an entire box of Thin Mints in one sitting. Some may say this is too many cookies, but sometimes too many cookies just isn't enough.
So, you can imagine how upset I was when I recently read on The Huffington Post that Girl Scout and Brownie cookie sales in New Hampshire are down this year. People just don't have the extra coin needed to buy cookies. The Girl Scout councils in some states, such as Massachusetts, have raised the prices of their cookies to $4 per box.
To me, $4 per box Girl Scout cookies is more troubling than $4 per gallon gas.
What is surprising about Girl Scout cookie sales being down is that the cookies practically sell themselves; they are that good. No...they are addictive. You'll see desperate parents in need of a Girl Scout cookie fix offer their kids up for a box of Do-si-dos, which must be Latin for "can't stop eating them." It's a sad sight.
In my town, you can find Girl Scouts on the corner offering boxes of Thin Mints, Samoas, and Tagalongs to passersby. Believe me; you can't buy anything else on a corner that's as satisfying as a box of Thin Mints -- without serving a mandatory five-year sentence.
Girl Scout cookies are so addictive that to stop eating them, even Amy Winehouse had to say "yes" to rehab.
As a Christian, I can tell you that I've never, ever heard of anyone who, during Lent, gave up eating Girl Scout Cookies. For Lent, people will gladly give up smoking, drinking -- even red meat -- before they give up Girl Scout Cookies. I gave up Girl Scout Cookies once. It was a rough 45 minutes.
The reason Girl Scout cookies are so appealing is that they aren't just cookies; they're therapy. You can spend $160 for a 45-minute psychotherapy session or you can open up a box of Samoas. It's up to you.
Yet, despite how good they are, how addictive they are, Girl Scout cookie sales may indeed be declining. As someone who has benefited eating Girl Scout cookies, I believe it is my job, no...my duty, to offer my advice on how to increase Girl Scout cookie sales.
First, we need to hit YouTube with a video. Picture this: A dark room that resembles a room in a crack house except, instead of empty crack vials, something else is scattered on the floor. We close in and see...empty boxes. Not just any old empty boxes but empty Girl Scout cookie boxes. Shortbread, Peanut Butter Patties, Caramel deLites, you name it. Hundreds of them. The boxes look like they've been ripped open by some wild animal, like a raccoon. No, not a raccoon... a bear. Next, we see legs, big, meaty legs in pants that are ripped because they are now about 10 sizes too small, like Dr. Banner's pants after he's turned into the Hulk. Then we see a belly. It's gigantic. It's enormous. It's gi-normous. Cookie crumbs are on the heaving chest. Finally, we get to the face and its...JARED! Yes, THAT Jared - the one from Subway, except now, he's regained the weight he'd lost over the past ten years. He's back at 425 pounds. No...he's like... 500 pounds! Then you hear the voice over say, "Girl Scout Cookies. Yeah... They're that good."
Next, let's get Christian, the winner of this season's Project Runway, to create an avant-garde design inspired by a box of Samoas. Can anyone say, "FIERCE!"
Forget getting attention by going door-to-door or selling cookies on the street. The Girl Scouts need to hold an event. Nothing draws media attention like a good event. I'm talking about something bold, something crazy, something that will keep people talking for a while. I'm talking about...FLUGTAG! That's right...move over Red Bull, we're going to do Flugtag, Girl Scouts style!
Finally, like it or not, a good scandal can increase product awareness and boost sales. (Think OJ Simpson, Isotoner gloves, and Bruno Magli shoes.) I know that the Girl Scouts have a squeaky clean image, however, Girl Scout cookies could use a good scandal. Let's have Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana make off with a dozen boxes of Girl Scout cookies she hasn't paid for. We could have a slow speed chase that ends with state troopers catching Miley with empty cookie boxes, chocolate on fingers, and the smell of Thin Mints on her breath. I can see her on TMZ now.
I know that on the nightly news you hear the experts debate whether the economy is in a recession or not. However, if sales of Girl Scout cookies in New Hampshire are truly indicative of what's going on throughout country, then we - and the Girl Scouts - are in trouble.
Forget bailing out Bear Stearns; bail out the Girl Scouts.
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