I read the Washington Post's "Transgender at Five" piece this week and though I could provide additional feedback to help other parents understand what transgender children and their parents really go through.
I was fortunate enough to watch my identical twins babies grow and develop unique and diverse personalities. At each stage of development, I witnessed a minor miracle, including a special child that could not be ignored. I watched both twins played with trucks, dolls and wrestle, but Wyatt (Now Nicole) always returned to watching, playing and acting the female part. Then when the twins began to speak, I had difficulty answering her questions. Worse yet, I was not listening. (See this Boston Globe article.)
The questions continued, and as they became more frequent, my inability to look for answers was very harmful. On their 6th birthday we had a big birthday party and we invited a number of families from our new town. As everyone was arriving, I saw Wyatt coming down the stairs in his princess dress, wig and wand. He was so happy and excited. I froze for a moment and knew what I was going to say would break his heart. I really thought I was doing the right thing. I said, "Wyatt, you cannot wear that to the party." The look on his face still haunts me today. He started to cry and inside I cried, too. What could I say? "I am afraid of the outcome, of what will they think?" I will never forget that day and I hope when Nicole reads this she will truly understand how sorry I am for my behavior. That day, that moment helped me demand more from myself and for my child.
By profession, I'm rained to recognize signs and symptoms to provide a safe work place. A sign is something that is noticed by someone else and a symptom is described by the worker. On the job, I conduct investigations and observe job tasks, always looking for signs of discomfort, actively listening to workers to identify symptoms that might place them in harm's way. Why did I not recognize the signs that Wyatt needed help? Why did I ignore the symptoms that he expressed at an early age? It was because I was afraid.
At 2, Wyatt always had a doll in his hands, most often it was a Barbie Doll. He spent his days running around the house and yard with an orange shirt on his head. The orange shirt instantly transformed him into Wendy from Peter Pan or Aerial the Mermaid. At the time, my only comment was that Wyatt had a very vivid imagination, but deep down I was concerned.
I did not discuss my concerns. I now know that at age 5, parents need to evaluate what they see, hear and discuss why they might be uncomfortable with their child's behavior. The behavior could mean nothing; every little boy that exhibits what I have described is not going to be transgender. It is a time to learn more about what it might mean and how best to provide your son with the right support to make sure he is happy, healthy and maintains high self-esteem.
As Wyatt (Nicole) grew older (age 4 to 6), he continued to obsess over long hair, dresses, Barbie dolls and girls. Cindy (age 8) was his best friend. They loved to act out the books we read and girl's parts on television. Everything Cindy did Wyatt wanted to do. He wore Cindy's clothes, brushed her hair and obsessed over Cindy. It was about this time Wyatt started to show signs of unhappiness that went beyond the normal tantrums of a child. He would anger easily and lash out at his twin brother. He often had an edge that was hard to describe and it sometimes raised questions.
When Wyatt started talking, he unknowingly described his symptoms and I tried my best to ignore them, but he would not let me. When he was 4 I was working on our farmhouse bathroom. I am still proud of my work: concrete countertop, antique claw foot tub, pedestal sink and a border of antique fishing lures. Wyatt came into the bathroom to watch me work. I was in my glory; my son was helping me, he had his toy hammer, pretending to work along side of me. I thought it was a special moment between father and son. He looked up at me, very serious and said, "Daddy I hate my boy parts. When do they go away?" The look in his eyes was one of sincere, innocent pain. I picked him up and hugged him. I kissed the tears away in both of his eyes. I kissed his nose and lips, while fighting back my own tears. I whispered in his ear that everything was going to be okay and that I loved him very much. I continued to hug him, placed his head on my shoulder and began to cry. Where one twin goes, the other follows. The next thing I knew, his brother was latched onto my leg, saying "What is the matter daddy?" I picked him up in my other arm and slid down the wall to the floor, hugging them both, thinking that if I did not start listening to my wife and my children, everything was not going to be okay.
These kids exist. If we do not support them everything is not going to be okay. We need to listen, love them and help them grow. At 5 they will begin to tell us who they really are if we really watch and listen. The signs and symptoms will be revealed. I also learned that my fears were holding me back. Learning about the trails transgender children face and experiencing the fear of society helped me wash away my doubts and pushed me to learn more. Please do the same.
My 12yr old son recently came out to me as transgender. I too wasn't listening completely as he was growing up. I knew in my heart the day would come but I guess I held hope that it wouldn't. I thought that someone who was born in the wrong body could never be happy. But now I know that's not true. The way to happiness is to be true to oneself. So after just 6weeks of finding out I am supporting my new daughter in living the life that was meant to be. Your essays always speak to me. Our familes share many similarities; a conservative background, small town, law enforcement background, etc. I am terrified of how my community will react when my daughter begins 7th grade in the fall at the same school she attended as a boy. I hope I can be as great an advocate for my child as you are. If you have a schedule of any upcoming lectures you will be doing I would be really interested in attending.
Bless you for all the support you give to your daughter Nicole and for all the support you provide to people like me.
People often say that my wife and I are so brave for stepping out to tell our story. My constant reply is that we are just being good parents. It is our children that are brave. Brave and strong beyond their years, please give your daughter a hug from me and tell her she has more support than she might ever know.
I am not sure where you live and at this time I have very few venues to tell our story, but I will be in Philly next week at the Transgender Health Conference as part of a parents workshop. This will be my first national stage. If you need advice I can be reached at onefathersjourney@gmail.com.
Wayne
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_Diamond
I think it's fair to say that he is to the science of sex and gender what Albert Einstein was to physics. Moreover, he's a thoroughly decent human being.
When Nicole was around six years old we heard about the research being conducted in Hawaii - We did contact them but never heard anything back. Then our lives became complicated, living in Maine were pretty excited about the opportunity to maybe have a chance to visit Hawaii. I will follow-up on his research efforts.
Wayne
Mr Maines, you certainly know how to tug at my heartstrings.
All I can say is "better late than never", and no daughter could wish for a better father than you. Nor a son, for that matter. Things *will* be okay now.
I was always a tomboy, still am more Geek than Girl. Pretending to be a boy was easier for me. But I know how Nicole must have felt. Thank goodness you're giving her your support now. She needs it more than you know.
I worshipped the ground my father walked on, but I really don't think he could have done what you did. Few men can. Nicole could do a lot worse than to find a guy like her daddy. Well done!
My youngest son wears scarfs on his head pretending to have long hair. He will put on my shoes or his sister's shoes and clothes just for fun. Occasionally brush a barbie dolls hair. Asks me to paint his nails when I do his sister's or my own. Many of these things my oldest son did at some point but it was a phase that he quickly grew out of, my youngest though has yet to. So Im faced with this issue regularly. I wonder to myself how do I know the difference, or better yet when will I know if this is a phase or not. I ask myself all the time because I want to do my best, as a mother, to make my son feel as comfortable as he possibly can in his own skin and support him in any way I possibly can. Im sure he will not be shy to let me know if anything about him is "different", as he never seems to run into this issue even at only being a 3 year old. Thank you, once again, for this incredible article. It brought tears to my eyes and only gave me more motivation to be a supportive parent.
You are doing the things a parent is supposed to do. Providing unconditional love, listening, attempting to learn more to help your children and worrying! My mom has always told me that no matter how old your children are you never stop worrying. At age three the worries are basic and growth focused, when school starts they are more about developing a love for learning and safe and now as my daughter approaches adulthood I still worry about safety, but have added a need for equal rights. When I talked to my mom today she reminded me that providing a strong foundation that includes love, respect, hard work and honor can help keep the worrying to a minimum. She then told me that I am a good father and she worries about me. You’re a good mom and I hope some day we will meet and I can tell you in person.
Wayne
I Just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for being so understanding with Nicole and so open minded. I know it is very hard to be stuck in between being a supportive parent and being a "good parent" in society's eyes. I can only hope that i will one day be lucky enough to hear you speak some day. As a bisexual mother of 3 i know very well how it feels to be different. It often crosses my mind "what if he's...." or "what if shes..."? I do believe I am scared for my children to live an "alternative" lifestyle. Not because I wouldnt accept them, as I would be in the same boat or vice versa, but because I know the negativety that comes with that lifestyle in today's society.
I myself never really had such obvious tells...but then again I was born in 1964...things were very much different. What I heard the most was "girls don't do that...girls don't play with that...girls don't dress like that..etc" It took me 45 years to understand what was going on in my own head and to finally embrace who I really am. My parents didn't live to see my transition...but I sometimes wonder if they had ant insight into my future when I was that young. Either way it makes me happy that people are now aware that we do exist and that we do need support from our loved ones... and I'm glad that you are helping your daughter to grow into a beautiful woman.
speical as humans that we educate, share, enjoy the beauty that makes us, us.
I was so bullyed throughout my years from grade one, till I was in my twenties. I have spent most of
my life repairing, and relearning. I am now going to make sure that others know they have value.
I ask, if you do not understand someone, learn and open your heart. Someone may not understand you, either.