A few years ago we had to move to a new town, to a new school. Ongoing bullying, harassment and discrimination left us with no choice but to leave our beautiful home, our friends and our community. We are not alone. Families raising transgender children face the same plight throughout the nation. Many live in secrecy and we all must make difficult decisions to keep our children safe.
One of the first decisions is whether to tell others that our children are transgender. This decision is often dynamic, as the environments change, we have to change, too. Not telling our schools and community is called "Going Stealth." Going stealth often starts as early as preschool. It is a simpler time in many ways. No one need's to know except family, doctors and a small inner circle of friends. Later, in elementary school, we often decide to leave stealth mode to inform teachers, staff and sometimes community leaders that we have a transgender child. It is not an easy decision. Doing so creates new challenges and bigger fears.
We thought it was necessary to tell our school administrators, teachers, staff and coaches that Nicole was transgender. We relied upon them to protect her at school, on the playground, during sports and field trips. We were still well-aware that telling the wrong person could ruin her day, risk her safety and have dire consequences that we might not understand. In the end, disclosure prevailed. Asking them to keep us in a semi-stealth world seemed like the right choice.
In the fifth grade, stealth world ended. There was no holding Nicole back. She openly attended school as her real self, proudly saying I am transgender. She was well-received by her classmates and school community. She was full of joy and confidence until people that fear these beautiful young children turned her world upside down. To keep our family safe we moved and returned to stealth world.
It was a very difficult time in so many ways. Imagine a brother and sister keeping this vital secret at such a young age. Every day we worried that someone might find out and we would have to move again. Of course there were a few positives. Nicole was allowed to use the girls bathroom, she made new friends, went to school dances and our family was no longer in the news. But she had no close friends, no sleepovers and constantly worried that she might slip up and break the family code. This new stealth world was safer, but still very harmful.
Of course, stealth world seldom lasts for long. Surprisingly, it was not the kids who gave up our secret. While they attended their new middle school we learned that Bill LD 1046 had been submitted to roll back transgender protections that exist in Maine. It was a very sad day in our home when we heard this news. We wondered how to tell Nicole she could lose more. Deciding to leave stealth world required long discussions within our inner circle and a great deal of worrying. In the end we decided to speak out and let Nicole have a voice. It was a scary time, but the outcome was amazing. he bill was defeated and our children learned that getting involved and having a strong voice is a powerful tool.
Going stealth is only one of the many complicated decisions that we must make while raising our children. We have very few real choices to protect our children from harm. Choices like trying to determine if our current school will really be supportive when the chips are down, moving to a new town that might not be any better and leaving our jobs for new jobs that might not be secure or splitting up our families to be able to pay bills. They are hard choices like home schooling with little or no resources or remaining at an unsupportive school and looking for professional help where very little exists.
A few families are lucky and have found amazing schools that welcome their children with open arms, but these schools are few and far between. We are lucky enough to live close to the Boston Children's Hospital. Others are not so lucky. We all need more help and better choices. We are looking for supportive schools, trained doctors and counselors that have experience working with transgender youth, coaches, teachers, community leaders and churches that will welcome our children with open arms. We need legal assistance and we need our political leaders to step up and demand change.
Families are suffering because they are in stealth mode and they often suffer when they come out. They are scared, lack resources and wonder what other challenges the next day might bring as their child demands to be their real self. They do not want to move. They cannot afford to have travel hundreds of miles to find professional help and they want a stable environment at home and at school.
We can help make this happen! Contact your state leaders and ask them to support the Student Non Discrimination Act (SNDA). SNDA is designed to protect all LGBT children. This is a strong step forward to ensure that LGBT children in our schools have the same rights as their classmates. Through this legislation and further outreach we can also build a stronger and larger support system for transgender children and their families.
Parents will always worry about their children. It is what we do. But living in the United States of America should not require we worry every waking moment. We should not have to move in the middle of the night or cry because we cannot provide our child with the resources they need to grow. I am hopeful that someday, "Going Stealth" will no longer be in our vocabulary. Please help make this happen, speak out in your community and be prepared to vote for leaders that are willing to standup for LGBT youth.
People criticize parents for bowing to their children and letting them express themselves as they wish, regardless of society's "rules". Is this the life that you would want for your child? Would you want them to spend every minute of their lives thinking that they are somehow less? That they don't deserve to be themselves?
I have never been more proud of a parent than I am of these parents, who would do ANYTHING to make sure their child gets to live their life on their terms. If I had had that kind of support, my life would have been very different indeed. I thank God every day that I'm able to live the life I only dreamed about all those years, and not a day goes by that I'm not saddened by all of this wasted years.
I hope this example helps even one person better understand our experience, and begin to rethink how they see the world and the people in it.
Using that same example, suppose after a few weeks of this (because you have no other choice but to put up with it), someone says that they made a huge error and that it is ok to come dressed as a nurse, since that is who you truly are. Suddenly, all is right with the world. The pateints and other nurses treat you like the nurse you are. other nurses ask you for advice. Doctors ask you to help them in surgery or whatever. This is how a transgender person feels when they are able to express themselves as the person they know they are.
Many people ask "How can a child know?", but the truth is that they probably don't know they are transgender, per se. They just innately know that what they see in the mirror isn't right. ...(continued)
Imagine for a moment that you are a nurse, but one of the conditions under which you were hired states that you must dress as a security guard. Silly example, I know, but bear with me. So, you know its crazy that have to dress as a guard, even though you know you are a nurse, but you dress as they want just so you can get by and not make waves. You go to work on your first day wearing your dress blues, and you try to go about your duties. You know that you are a nurse, but all of the patients see you as a guard and treat you according to what they see. They may feel intimidated or scared, even though you are trying to help them get better. Maybe they see you as a threat. The point is that you are treated as the world views you rather than who you know you are inside. You try to make friends with the other nurses, but they just dismiss you because while you may know how to be a nurse, you don't look like one. No matter what you try to do, it never feels right. Everyday is a struggle, but... (continued)
I am just simply thrilled to know that more and more often these children are being diagnosed earlier and more often find themselves with supportive, loving families who are willing to stand up for their child and do every possible thing to make their lives the best and most meaningful and loving environment.
I never knew that this was an issue when I raised four kids and they are all married to the opposite sex.
There was not a kid that was wondering what they were???? Where does this come from , and I
am really serious about wanting to know why all has changed in 50 years?
I can assure you there were children who were desperately trying to know who they were and sat in their houses considering suicides daily. Just because the parents locked them in closets, shamed or beat them into submission doesn't change that transgender children existed for a very long time. Native Americans have always embraced transgender people from the day they were born.
Where this comes from is called genetics. It's a natural part of the world and happens each and every day. There are millions of transgender who walk and work and play and have families. There are millions you pass everyday on the street and have no idea we exist. Today, families are more open to the realities that exist.
As for surgeries, they can not perform the necessary surgeries until the child is at least 16 (I believe that is the minimal age they will perform it), though most will have to endure the body dysphoria until they are even older.
#allGarbage
Whether a child is gay or transgender should make no difference to anyone.
They are humans and should be treated with respect
I went through a year long tomboy phase in grade school during which I played only with boys, dressed like a boy and took being mistaken for a boy as a compliment-I outgrew it-thankfully my parents had the sense to realize I would-they never admonished me but never gave me permission to change my gender either. These parents sometimes do more harm than good-kids are VERY impressionable and will pick up on every thing a parent says-you don't give a six-year-old liscence to make decisions that will affect the rest of their life.
Wanting to be LIKE a boy is a whole lot different than feeling like you SHOULD have been a boy.
Is is possible for a child to exhibit signs that can be mistaken as being trans? Maybe? I'm not a psychologist, but from my own experience not likely - if you are working with a qualified counselor. Even if this child were to decide that, 'you know what mommy? I don't really want to be a girl after all', okay, you can still be a boy. The only thing that takes place at that early an age is that the child gets to live their lives as the gender that suits them best. There is nothing permanently altered. It is not until at least the onset of puberty that they start taking hormones - or typically they take suppressors to 'stall' puberty until they are of a certain age. Only when it is determined to be safe for the child, then the doctor and therapist will go ahead with hormone therapy.
I am trans and I knew that there was something 'wrong' with me from as early as I can remember.
Having no conflict between your body and your brain would lead you to believe that it doesn't exist in others until they "CHOOSE" to be trans. Nope! Doesn't work that way. Being transgender is nothing like sexual orientation. Sexual orientation generally does not become apparent before puberty - when the person begins being sexually aware. Gender identity and expression exists from the time that one becomes self-aware. That is usually around the ages of 2-4. Being born unconflicted, there is no conflict, you just are you. Being born conflicted you feel wrong from your earliest reckoning.