04/10/2014 04:25 pm ET Updated Jun 10, 2014

Jack, Why Are You Out of Bed?

Tosca Radigonda via Getty Images

Because I'm thirsty.

I'm hungry.

It's too dark.

It's too bright.

I heard a noise that sounded like Darth Vader trying to destroy our kitchen.

I need to floss.

I need to wipe.

I need to sit in the hallway with a flashlight and organize my two million Pokemon cards.

My finger hurts.

My eye hurts.

My spine hurts. Oh, wait, I meant my kidneys. No, wait, my spine. Kidneys. Spine. Kidneys. Sp... hey, can I have a peanut butter sandwich? With no crusts on it?

I don't want to go to sleep tonight.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.

I heard a bump.

I heard a crash.

I heard you and Daddy watching The Walking Dead and it made me think of brain eaters.

My pillow fell down.

My other pillow fell down.

My other other pillow fell down. Because I was cannon-balling off my bed. Because I had to rescue my other pillows. Because they were all the way over in the corner. Because I couldn't reach them when I stood on my nightstand. Because I needed a really long rope. Because I was trying not to bother you.

I'm not sleepy.

I'm not tired.

I'm not ready for bed.

Because I'm not going to leave until you come upstairs and tuck me in again. I know, but you must have done it wrong last time. You need to do a total re-tuck. And this time -- I'll stay in bed, mommy.

I promise.

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