THE BLOG
07/10/2014 02:25 pm ET | Updated Sep 09, 2014

Summer by the Numbers

Nastco via Getty Images

Current outside temperature in Austin: 103

Number of days it will remain this temperature in Austin: 103

Number of days since the upstairs A/C went out: 1/2

Amount of swear words uttered since the upstairs A/C went out: 50

Amount of swear words uttered that began with "mother": 49

Number of times the A/C repairman was called: 6

Number of times the A/C repairman's secretary told us to "Keep your pants on, hon": 2

Number of times we told the A/C repairman's secretary that she's an asshole if she thinks anyone in our house is still wearing pants: 2

Hours until the mythical A/C repairman will arrive at our house: 24

Hours until a hooker will be hired to bribe the mythical A/C repairman to hurry up: 12

Hours until we all go insane and maim each other with sharpened Popsicle sticks: 1

Current downstairs temperature: 75

Current upstairs temperature: 95

Odds that a cloud will form on the landing where the cold air and hot air meet: 1 in 100

Odds that I don't know what the hell I'm talking about regarding how clouds form: 1 in 1

Number of kids who now need to sleep on the downstairs hide-a-bed: 2

Number of times kids on the hide-a-bed will scream, "He's touching my butt!" and start a 3 a.m. fistfight: 32

Number of times the kids' dad will scream, "Mommy's touching MY butt!" and start a 3 a.m. fistfight: 1

Number of minutes mommy will try to remove her wedding ring from her heat-swollen finger: 2

Bottles of wine needed to get through The A/C Incident of 2014: 2

Bottles of wine currently in the house: 0

Average speed car will be driven to the liquor store to remedy this problem: 76 mph

Total amount of fine on speeding ticket received for the liquor store flyby: $102.00

Chances that we are all now strongly considering a move to North Dakota: 100%