Why We Can Never Do Enough for Mother's Day (No Really, We Can't)

It's Mother's Day, and I would like to honor my beloved mother, by using the word mother in a sentence as often as possible. No, not that sentence. The next one. I am taking this moment to pay tribute to Anna M. Jarvis, the mother of Mother's Day, who in an ironic twist of fate was never a mother herself. Did I write ironic? I don't honestly see it that way, but rather it was precisely because Ms. Jarvis did NOT become a Mrs. nor a mom, that she devoted her life's work to persuading the nation (and 43 other countries) to officially revere mothers and in doing so, carved out a 24-hour time slot in which we get to feel like we haven't done enough.

Anna was tormented by not doing enough for her Mom. In 1907, a few years after her mother died (and left her a tidy inheritance), she created and led the "Mother's Day Movement," and began one of the most organized and successful letter-writing campaigns in history, reaching out to influential businessmen, religious leaders, newspaper editors, mayors and eventually to governors of every state. Within seven years, a resolution was passed by both houses of Congress for a national observance of Mother's Day. In 1914, President Woodrow Wilson issued a proclamation calling for a "public expression of our love and reverence for the mothers of our country," setting aside the second Sunday in May, which also commemorated the anniversary of Anna's mother's death.

As it was her mother's favorite flower, and she was in charge, Anna declared the carnation the official Mother Day's emblem. Florists quickly began to reap the benefits. Soon confectioners and card companies wanted a piece of the action, and the holiday got commercialized to such an extent that Anna Jarvis could hardly recognize it. "This is not what I intended," Anna wrote in letters to hundreds of newspapers. "I wanted it to be a day of sentiment, not profit." She spent the rest of her life (and life savings) in desperate battle against those who didn't demonstrate the proper piety and respect for what she considered a holy day, and died penniless and alone.

Anna M. Jarvis was born in 1864 in the rural community of Grafton, West Virginia, and she grew into a tall, attractive, redhead, eager to find her way in the world. She had watched her mother put aside pleasure and ambitions for the considerable duties of motherhood, and Anna wanted more out of life. At 27 and unmarried she took a bold, modern step and moved away from home to live in Philadelphia, working first as a stenographer and then as a writer for the advertising department of an insurance company. As to why she didn't wed, a family friend said, "she had a disastrous love affair when she was young. It left her shocked and disillusioned, and thereafter she turned her back on all men." (My theory is, she wanted a career.) After years of living on her own, Anna moved her widowed mother to Philadelphia. In 1905, she went into a period of "pathological mourning" when her mother died, creating an alter of dried flowers, and talking about little else.

I asked my therapist friend why Anna was so obsessed. "In a word," he said, "guilt." When my dear mother was still alive (did I mention that she was one of the greats!) I used to procrastinate before calling her on Mother's Day, for fear that I hadn't done enough. The first misstep was moving to San Francisco, which put me three time zones away, so my call would land at her New York doorstep in the afternoon. I would always send a card, but a card wasn't flowers (e.g. carnations) and on the rare occasion when I got it together to mail a gift, I wasn't there in person to deliver it. Once, when I timed a visit to coincide with Mother's Day, that effort also fell short because, I figured, my ultimate misstep boiled down to not having a husband or children.

Now that I understand Anna Jarvis, it all adds up. Mother's Day was created by a talented, entrepreneurial woman, who felt terrible about not following in her mother's footsteps. She spent an operatic life trying to make up for it, and embedded in her glorious, global tribute, the essence of never doing enough. But we all keep trying, as we should, because our mothers deserve it (especially mine).

Comments

[jesseisrad]

Hmm, I never knew about the carnations, now I know what to send next time! Thanks, Wendy and Anna!

[Lara Wachs]

I never knew so much about when we celebrate Mother's Day or who started it but thanks Anna for creating the day! Having a mother to celebrate is something very special and should never be taken for granted. I love spending mother's day with my mom and I never feel any guilt. I wonder if I should stop giving her all these well thought out, expensive gifts and stick to carnations to get back to the "true meaninig" of the day. OK, maybe not.

[unquietmind]

wendy - love the article. it's funny - i think i have the only jewish mother who doesn't do the whole guilt trip thing all the time. of course, she did convert to judaism when i was born. and i'm pretty sure her mother (whom i never met) was not the guilt-trippy kind either. regardless, it sounds like anna jarvis was one kick-ass lady. and look at you, miss 31 comments!
-maya

[BlackYowe]

This is interesting, Thanks!

[LiberalEastTexan]

Is all this guilt and drama mostly a woman thing?

I'm a guy and don't get the big deal.

I put a card in the mail last week and gave my mom a call this afternoon. We chit-chatted about stuff and ended the call with, "Love you. Happy Mother's Day."

No big deal.

[redhead61]

Its a big deal to those who dont have a mom to call, send a card to, or say Happy Mothers Day to.
Trust me, its a big deal.

[Wendy Braitman - Huffpost Blogger]

The idea of officially honoring "mother" goes back to the ancient Greeks. And as you note, in the 1870’s Julia Ward Howe encouraged mothers to congregate for peace. What fascinates me about Anna Jarvis is that through her relentless, entrepreneurial efforts, she is the one who got the holiday to stick (regardless of its ultimate “Hallmark” outcome).

[lauram]

The "Mother's Day Proclamation" by Julia Ward Howe (who wrote the Battle Hymn of the Republic) was one of the early calls to celebrate Mother's Day in the United States. Written in 1870, Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation was a pacifist reaction to the carnage of the American Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War. Somehow this is never mentioned when the local news does their "aw, isn't that precious" fluff pieces on mother's day.

[naschkatze]

Verrrrrrrrrrry interrrrrr­rrrrrrrest­ing, as they used to say on Laugh In (I"m that old!) I didn't know about the carnation. When I was a girl, the tradition was to give your mother red flowers if her mother was still alive and white flowers if her mother was dead. I used to buy my mom a gardenia corsage--it was her favorite flower--but they smelled so wonderful, I pinched off a petal and ate it. They did not taste so wonderful. Today, shopping at Fred Meyer, I saw people stacked up several layers deep at the card section buying cards and flowers. I do think it is a guilt thing when it has to be rushed at the last minute like that. I asked my 37 year old daughter not to buy anything or send a card, but she did send a card anyway. What is important is the day to day relationship we have with our mothers and our own children. That can't be supplied at the last minute.

[FabulousAt52]

Sounds to me like Mother's Day should be called "Independence day" (wait, that's been taken) ... OK, how about Feminists' Day?

Anna Jarvis sounds like a bright, articulate, well rounded woman, yet she had some issues apparently, about self-acceptance.
I still don't quite understand why a "holiday" should be borne from guilt and regrets. To me one should appreciate and honor their mother every day of the year, in thought and deed. If you don't have a "Great Mom" who deserves that, well, then just forgive and understand that perhaps they've done the best they knew how to do... It is what it is.

It's still a Hallmark Holiday in my book. So is Father's Day, and Grandparent's Day and Valentine's Day. :: shrugs:: Not trying to be a hater or anything... I got my mom a card and something for Mother's Day, today. The guilt and regret comes into play when you DON'T.... lol

[Weho310]

Great Article Wendy. I too used to share your sentiment of never doing enough for one who made such monumental sacrifices for me and my siblings. Then I began to "compare notes" with my siblings regarding this and similar events and a pattern emerged. We all heard how wonderful the gifts from the others were, but not so much about our own gifts. I interpreted this, wrongly, that my gift was not up to par. After much discussion with my siblings I learned that was just my Mother's mid-western way. She was proud of all the gifts, but was terribly uncomfortable expressing it to us in person and therefor did so by proxy. The only problem is we seldom got the proxy approval. Now when I talk to my Mom I relay the proxy approvals to my siblings. To sound trite, it is the least I can do for my Mother.

[mergina]

Here's a Mothers Day with to a Mother that is home to all of us, MOTHER EARTH. May we stop the damage we are doing to you in time to save ourselves as a species.

[FabulousAt52]

I like the way you think, mergina! Like my bumper sticker says:

Love Your Mother (Earth)!

[Ericfromny]

Wendy,
Thanks for reminding us that it's not the material presents that we provide our moms, it's the love and the continuing thanks that are the most important gifts. Flowers fade, but the connection with our moms are eternal.

Great stuff.

[Ericfromny]

Of course,the last sentence should read:

Flowers fade, but the connections with our moms are eternal.

It is never wise to post without having a full cup of coffee.

[westside930]

Very interesting. To find out the actual origin of one our "well known" holidays always helps us to celebrate it better. I think many in our society do not know why we follow some of the traditions we have. I imagine it would be eye-opening if this was done with more holidays. Thanks. More please.

Mother's Day falls in this catedory for me: can't remember the poet, but do remember the line. "Treat your parents tenderly for the world is a strange and lonely place without them."

[westside930]

Very interesting and eye opening. To find out the actual origin of one of our so "well known" holidays is the best way to celebrate it. I do think many of us in society have lost the real meaning of so many of our traditions. It's nice to get to the 'heart' of it. Nice. More, please.

[wellbe]

Wow, incredibly informative and ironic blog. So interesting to know that the holiday that I, personally, dreaded each year, in the end, tortured the founder. If I knew the original intent, I wouldn't have the annual Mother's day guilt.

Thanks for a great article.