Dear U.S. Citizen.

Please accept our most egregiously sincere apologies for the difficulties and inconveniences the secret monitoring of your phone records and email and GPS units and foreign travel and bank accounts and yes, even your snail mail has evidently caused.

We here at the NSA strive...

Awfully odd to see the French getting their panties in a big bad bundle over gay marriage. Like watching a river otter work a crossword puzzle. In ink. Recently the entire country went completely bonkers with thousands taking to the streets to express concern over the level of free will...

As part of the brash rash of wire-brush scouring on the Teflon coating that routinely seals the Obama presidency, a large heavy-duty cast-iron deal has been made of the IRS conducting audits on Tea-Party affiliated organizations. But scratch the surface and it makes a sort of perverse sense.

Tea Party...

Up until about an hour ago, most Americans thought Benghazi was the guy who palled around with John Cassavetes back in the 60s, but now it's obvious we're talking about the foreign policy arm of a multi-ramped tar pit in which the president has found himself swimming up to his...

You do realize that Washington, D.C. is not the real world, don't you? It's a state of mind. An altered state of mind. Where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Slammed when you stand and rammed when you run. Berated if you lie and lambasted for...

Put on your tinfoil hats everybody. Or didn't you get the memo? Its paranoia time in America again. Maybe it's the spring that brings out the crazy in our legislators. Of course, that would assume a semblance of sanity the other three seasons, and nobody wants to bet anything more...

F. Scott Fitzgerald famously uttered "there are no second acts in American lives" but bless his heart, the besotted scribe seems blissfully unaware of the loophole large enough to taxi a C- 130 through that exists for American politicians. These people are as indomitable as a mule falling off a...

And now for a few choice words about the recent Senate vote which scuttled universal background checks on gun purchases. And the first three of those words are... Yellow- Bellied Cowards. Here's a couple more. Gutless Craven Chicken-Hearted Invertebrates. Dastardly Lily- Livered Spineless Jellyfish with the moral compunction of inbred...

Forget the robin. Ignore the tulips. Do not let the Easter Bunny, hummingbirds or awakening bears hoodwink you. The first baseball thrown in anger is the true harbinger of spring and calendar alarm for the lazy discard of the heavy encumbrances of winter. Ditch the parka and pull out the...

The nation held its collective breath and turned not just blue but a veritable rainbow of colors as the Supreme Court spent a goodly part of two days hearing oral arguments on gay marriage. Well, at least they were in the same room as arguments about gay marriage were oralled....

Normally you don't expect to see the words "Republicans" and "introspection" right next to each other. Like supermodel and barbecue. Physicist and polka. Gazelle and ophthalmology. You catch my drift.

But that's exactly what happened last week, when the Republican Party released a 100-page report detailing why their last presidential...

Thankfully the current revival of President Obama's charm offensive is not a theatrical production because the reviews are decidedly mixed. Seeing him furiously pirouette around Washington for the last two weeks like a carnival contortionist makes you wonder if he might be secretly setting up a post-presidential career in a...

Some fancy-dancy public-policy think- tank just released a brand new study that speculates the legion of aging Baby Boomers will permanently redefine retirement. Mainly because so few of us will be able to afford to retire. "Uh, lady, you want lids on these?" Fast food break rooms equipped with CPR...

Q. Can you please explain what the heck is going on in Rome?
A. Well, Pope Benedict XVI retired and now Catholic Cardinals from around the world are congregating to elect a new one.

Q. When was the last time a pope retired?
A. Thursday.

Q. No, before...

Relax. It's not necessarily the flu making you confused and feverish. Could be spatter from that big, thick, juicy, new, improved Civil War infecting the Republican Party. Yes, again. The Rebs inside the Reds are rebooting themselves for the umpteenth time over the past few election cycles. Have to assume...

WHAT YOU NEED TO PLAY:

Four taxpayers of any sex: one rich white banker-type wearing a suit. Cuff links would be nice. One person in a blue work shirt, another in a white shirt and one wearing rags that in a former life might have been an integral part of...

Hey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it's imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking and you'd be well advised...

Astronomers have a name for the phenomena of an object appearing to be in different places, depending on the perspective from which it is viewed. It's known as the parallax view, and could be seen on display for the second Inauguration of the 44th President of the United States. Speaking...

We may have witnessed a generational sea change the other night at the Golden Globe Awards. Talking about when creator, writer and breakthrough star of HBO's Girls, Lena Dunham, teetered up to the stage on what appeared to be hockey skates sporting a minor array of tattoos leaking out of...

Okay. Bent over. Hands on knees. Breathing hard. Whew. Made it. "Pant. Pant." For a while there, didn't seem like it'd ever happen, but somehow we mercifully staggered across the annum finish line finally placing 2012 irrevocably in the rear view mirror. Make no mistake, the political climate is still...