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2012 Veepstakes

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Since Governor Romney has sewed up the nomination tighter than one of Chris Christie's old suits, the only remaining Republican election drama is which name the Bairn of Bain Capital intends to place on the bottom of his bumper sticker. Yes, friends, it's once again time to play that quadrennial game sensation sweeping the nation: Let's Guess Mitt's Vice Presidential Pick!

Usually the question of the presumptive nominee's prom date doesn't play out until June or July, but this year, the mushrooming punditocracy has chewed on the fat tasty rancorous primary for so long, they bloated up like a poisoned toad. And are hungry. Which is why "running mate" is currently chalked atop the media blackboard menu. "Feed Me!"

The Vice Presidency is an odd job interview. Best way to apply is to deny desiring the position. Saying exemplary things about the candidate never hurts. Neither does fund-raising. Disguising any interest in 2016 -- all good. But the choice ultimately depends on whether Willard decides to excite his base, gravitate towards the middle, or make a game change. Here's a couple contenders.

  • Texas Congressman Doctor Ron Paul. 1,000 to 1. Less chance than a snail hauling a piano has of qualifying for the 100 meter dash at the London Summer Olympics.
  • Texas Governor Rick Perry. 10,000 to 1. Same thing, only the snail is dead.
  • Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, Pizza CEO Herman Cain former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, & Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. 100,000 to 1. The snail is dead and the piano is made of uranium, heaviest element on Earth.
  • New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. 100 to 1. Spends much time bringing many things to the table but alas, New Jersey is not among them.
  • Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty. 10 to 1. Only problem is, two guys so white, might become known as the Albino Ticket.
  • Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. 25 to 1. President Barack. Vice President Piyush. Totally possible.
  • Former Governor of Florida Jeb Bush. 50 to 1. Too soon. People need more time to recover from Bush Fatigue. Another two decades should do it.
  • New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte. 50 to 1. Would help nail down that crucial Northeast vote.
  • Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels. 25 to 1. Bland and boring. A victory party guaranteed to cure insomniacs.
  • Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. 30 to 1. More polarizing than a linear accelerator. Makes Romney look liberal.
  • Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman. 200 to 1. Two Mormons? That's a Broadway musical, not a presidential ticket.
  • South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley. 80 to 1. Hybrid of Sarah Palin and Bobby Jindal with associative perks and potholes.
  • Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. 10 to 1. Good Christian mudder. Especially helpful should Mitt need Old Testament righteousness to counter squishy- conservative charges.
  • Ohio Senator Rob Portman. 100 to 1. Dubyah's old budget director could make Romney's economic argument fuzzier than peach season in Georgia.
  • Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. 1,000 to 1. More dead snails and immensely heavy pianos.
  • Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell. 60 to 1. Fading fast. Broke unwritten "don't speak of wanting it" rule. Blatantly airing image ads even though he's not running for office.
  • Florida Senator Mario Rubio. 3 to 1. Catholic Hispanic AND state of Florida. Fits together like seashores, lemonade and halter tops.
  • Former Vice President Dick Cheney. 300 to 1. Relieved to leave D.C., but could be convinced to work on behalf of country again. After all, he's already had one recent change of heart.

The New York Times says Emmy- nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out the website: willdurst.com to buy his book or find out about upcoming stand-up performances.

Such as... Riot Act Comedy Theater. May 10- 12. 813 E Street NW. Washington D.C. 20004 riotactcomedy.com

Every Tuesday. Elect to Laugh! The Marsh. San Francisco. themarsh.org. Special $10 tix. Use code "vote."