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Birther Bozos Need a New Nose

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TRUMP
AP

Goaded into action by a nattering of numbskulls, Barack Obama finally released the long form of his Certificate of Live Birth from the state of Hawaii, and hopefully threw the last shovel of dirt onto this inception nonsense. But the suspicion is, no, this probably won't put an end to it. As we speak, vanquished Birther Bozos are crawling out of the crypt searching for a new nose to wear. First the short form, now the long form, soon they'll want to see the director's cut. Then, on a television near you, the mini-series.

Anything to reinforce the strangeness of the first African American president. "Different than you and me." "Not a real American." Explains those silly cries of "We're taking our country back." Yeah. From the black guy. What they really want is the 1950s and the front of their buses back.

Don't think this is over. This is not over. Not by a long shot. People believe what they want to believe. Facts be damned. 30% of the GOP still believes Saddam Hussein was responsible for 911 and weapons of mass destruction are currently cruising the streets of Fallujah disguised as ice cream trucks. Driven by men wearing tinfoil hats.

Obama's actions spurred some on the Right to charge him with orchestrating this whole distraction to keep the country from the real issues. Wow. The perfect somersault of blaming the hit and run victim for walking alone on a sidewalk late at night. "He attacked my bumper with his chest."

Others, like Newt Gingrich, refuse to be convinced. "There are still questions." Yeah, and besides, Obama's citizenship is due to a technicality, because on August 4th, 1961, Hawaii had been a state for less than two years. Maybe the flippo-units will switch tactics and demand proof he's not a Muslim. And won't be satisfied until they see a signed and dated parchment from Allah.

The disgrace is, the president was forced to hold a press conference, not to address the reshuffling of his national security team: but rather... where he was born. His exact quote was: "not going to be able to do our jobs if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers." In response, the main carnival barker, Donald Trump, claimed to be honored for making the president jump through hoops like a trained Pomeranian. Who also would not be eligible to be president.

The Donald is that kid in high school oblivious to the whole class making fun of him, including the teacher. Faced with the very concrete evidence he insisted on viewing, you'd think he'd find a way to graciously back off, but you'd be as wrong as blaze orange camo. Buffalo chip cookies. Cheesecloth mittens.

The Aerodynamic Coif instead upped the ante to question how a guy named Barack Hussein Obama got into Harvard Law and wants to see his college transcripts, which is a really, really sly way of throwing out the "n" word. Surprised he didn't use "shiftless."

We need Trump to provide samples of his DNA to prove he's actually a carbon-based life form. Show us your hairline Captain Carnival Barker. What's next: a mole count? Will a committee be empanelled to investigate the number of moles on the president's body? "Where are they and why is he hiding them? And exactly how many of them are shaped like his socialist supervisor, Cuba?"

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out Redroom.com to find out about upcoming stand- up performances or to buy his book, "The All- American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."