Run, Newt, Run!

Out of elective politics for over a decade, dithering on the sidelines like a moody Southern fried Hamlet, Newt Gingrich jumped back into the ring announcing plans to run for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. And for every analyst and every pundit and every satirist everywhere, allow me to say: Hooray! Thank you, kind sir, may I have another?

His re-entrance onto center stage is welcome on many fronts. First off, the guy's name is Newt. Never in the annals of political mockery have we had the chance to make herpetological jokes before or after. And rest assured we will avail ourselves of the opportunity. Expect the phrase Lizard-Boy to reassume a central role in the national lexicon soon.

Then there's his penchant for routinely ratcheting the rhetoric up past eleven. Hundred. Our recent precipitous plunge into polarization can easily be traced to Gingrich's scorched earth ascension in the early 90s. There are no honorable opponents in Newt World, only despicable traitors. Each disagreement, a nuclear war. And everybody who isn't a white male Christian poses a major threat to democracy as we know it and should be vaporized only after having his knees broken as an example.

Obama is the most radical president in American history and views the citizenry through a Post-Colonial Kenyan perspective. The gay fascist movement wants to overthrow the government and destroy religion through violence. He's a trash-talking intellectual poseur with the subtlety of a hippo in a tutu.

The good news for Gingrich is that he ranks very high in recognition polls. The bad news for Gingrich is that he ranks very high in recognition polls. The founder and spokesman of Renewing American Leadership comes equipped with more baggage than a Carnival Cruise liner taking on the contents of two stranded sister ships. Might be three people tops in the country whose opinions of the former Speaker of the House haven't solidified like frozen chicken grease.

Love him or hate him, there's no in-between; and that includes his own party. To some Republicans, he's Moses who led them out of the desert to the promised land of taking back the House in 94, for the first time in 40 years. To others he's Voldermort. Sparking an ill-fated government shutdown then resigning under a cloud of ethics violations, some still refer to him as "He Who Must Not Be Named."

Dr. Newton Leroy Gingrich is generally considered an ideas man. Not good ideas necessarily, but big ideas. Accusing enemies of being socialist Nazis. That's new. Also odd ideas, like claiming his adulterous behavior stemmed from loving his country too darn much. So essentially, he did to two mistresses what he wanted to do to us. Thanks ladies. And yet, he attracts evangelical followers with his traditional family values platform. And having three wives just proves he's Extra Traditional.

Gingrich can't win and if he's half as smart as he thinks he is, he has to know that. So, why is he running? To what end? Increased face-time to sell more of his twenty plus books? Can't get enough of the sound of his own voice? Or is his responsibility simply to throw bombs at all the major edifices and let Mitt Romney waltz through the detritus unscathed? The only problem is, like sweaty nitroglycerine, Mr. Gingrich is highly charged and unpredictable. A human IED. Run. Newt. Run.

The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today." Check out willdurst.com to find out about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing."

 

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Comments

[kauaiphil]

01:21 PM on 05/15/2011

I liked the other Newt better. In "Aliens," Aloha from Kauai.

[daniejoe]

02:59 PM on 05/14/2011

that newt would RUN again or even speak made me shake my head and wonder where my country went. then i realised that the country has already gone there and i purposely jumped off the train. i cant in all good conscience ,,go with a country that has spawned newts and other TOADIES...to a certain TYPE of poltical creature. That he is given Air Time is reason enough to head for any legal drugs in lieu of an exit visa to an iceberg drifting by. Thanks to certain individuals who in lieu of a functioinng Fourth Estate..i.e free press...people like WILL DURST......LEWIS BLACK.....JON STEWART.....BILL MAHER....who will CALL these types OUT for their arrogance and their threat to a presumably free THINKING operative word....people. i Cant say NEWT wont win. Like the Germans in the early 30's, the election of !! years ago, cured me of that ridiculous obsession. .quote left in since i know it comes from a cultural idiom from a movie. still fits the bill.

[daniejoe]

03:11 PM on 05/14/2011

apology for not spell checking. the election of 11 yrs ago is how THAT line should READ. and functioning for that other typo. mea culpa.

[Curious Black]

12:36 PM on 05/14/2011

So Newt starts with, elect me for a civil war or elect me to prevent the civil war I'll start if not elected? maybe it's just me, but I don't think the country will unite behind this idea.

[Phil Lunney]

12:36 PM on 05/14/2011

the most important election since 1860, I guess thats a reference to states rights. Remember Newt he was elected from Georgia and he dropped in for the State Republican Convention this week. Otherwise he is a DC area resident and has been for the last 20 years. He is the definition of an insider and has not had a productive job since he left Congress (spewing his drivel can't be considered productive, but, to him, it i the definition of American Exceptionalism). He, Hannity and the Talking Heads have been saying this is the most important election for every national election since 1998.

[Konnie]

09:39 AM on 05/14/2011

all of your reasons are valid. but mostly it was your "sitting on the sidelines" a sociopathic egomaniac like the salamander just couldn't stand the rrelevance one more second.

i am especially fond of the i converted to catholosism so every sin has been forgiven
well the recent convert known for his cafeteria christianity, also skipped class the day
the nuns taught true sorrow for those sins. i don't think she said anything about "sorry i
got caught", or sorry due to inconveneient politics. all born catholics know there is nothing
worse than a convert.................

my ex husband told me about one of his ex girlfriends who told him she would have sex
with him if he went to confession with her the next day.............and he wasn't even Catholic!

[daniejoe]

03:08 PM on 05/14/2011

if NEWT converted to Catholicism so ALL his sins or transgressions are forgiven...he has not READ all the caveats in the catholic Faith. i was Raised one; and with 16 yrs of catholic education behind me, 4 of that in a Jesuit institution- Newt has not learned the distinction between sins of Omission and Commission. He might be forgiven IN the confessional. But he has forgotten Purgatory. Or one of the New Catholic prelates, in the interest of his own political career, an elan acquired by saying. I converted Newt Gingrich....has not enlightened the Tadster. You, o sinner of political expediency, have not read the FINE PRINT. You still have to PAY for your sins. The Church Fathers are clear on THATand they knew their Plato and such. this is not a game of Monopoly. No get out of Jail free card just because you go to confession. We are not the born again types. Has the Tadster Re read his Dante reccently? Vivid pictures of the denizens of the circles of hell.

[angryoldman]

12:13 AM on 05/14/2011

" They mostly come out at night...mostly."