Staycation Fun!

It's harder than frozen bratwursts to believe we've reached the end of May already, but there it is--Memorial Day--delivering a swift kick in the buns to any lingering memory of a very ugly winter. And the mustard rises on another summer. Coincidentally, gas prices continue to spike. Again. Hey, alright. Just in time for travel season. What are the odds? Of course, none of us have the money to go anywhere. So, there is good news.

But we Americans would rather spread kim chee on a tofu hot dog at a dental office than give up our summer vacation. Even considering fiscal conditions that are uglier than naked rugby in the rain sponsored by the AARP. So, once again its time to trot out that old Chamber of Commerce chestnut: the Staycation.

We all know the program: Due to incredible brokeness, we go to great lengths to fool ourselves into thinking that we're embarking on a festive pleasure trip while not actually traveling anywhere. Self- delusion as a budgetary exercise via local tourista escapading. A brave attempt to make lemonade out of surplus lemons infested with a greenish mold and spider mites.

The problem with most folks planning a Staycation, is they focus on all the high points of landmarks- visiting and unfrequented restaurant- frequenting but forget to include all the little moments that truly distinguish memorable holiday excursions. So allow me to help with a couple of handy hints to keep in mind when replicating the ultimate resort experience from the comfort of your own couch.

How to Perfect Your Family's Fun Filled Staycation.

• Pack luggage like you're really headed on a trip, then pick a piece to misplace for the duration. Rip off one end of a handle to complete the simulation.
• Duplicate inevitable airport delay by wasting four hours at a 7/ 11.
• Listen to Bjork's Medulla CD on headphones at high volume as if the airlines sat you next to a screaming infant. Repeat.
• Sit on curb outside your house for 90 minutes because your room isn't ready yet.
• First night of Staycation, drink way too much upon arrival and pass out on bathroom floor by 10 pm.
• Set alarm for 6 am to receive wake- up call for room next to yours. Knock on door at half hour intervals with cry of: "Housekeeping!"
• Remain in bed most of the first day because of third degree sunburn received after falling asleep at the beach.
• For full tropical experience, dump sand in your bed.
• Watch a pay- per- view movie, then refuse to pay for it, citing lousy reception.
• Ignore neighbors and friends by pretending you are your own long lost twin.
• Eat at a strange restaurant and grunt and point at the menu, unable to speak the native language even if it's only Floridian.
• Grind broken staples into your carpeting before walking around in bare feet.
• Turn air conditioning off. It's broken. Call imaginary maintenance man who never comes.
• Food poisoning. 3am. Sound like a match made in heaven? Oh, it is.
• Every two hours, burn sixty dollars.
• And finally, when time to end your Staycation, stuff all the soap and Kleenex and a towel into your bags.

Will Durst is a San Francisco based political comic who writes sometimes. This is one of them.
He's at the San Francisco Punch Line May 26- 30. 415.397.4337.
Or check out his Rooftop Comedy minutes: http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/shows/BurstOfDurst

Comments

[offred]

Don't forget spending 72 hours straight with people you like well enough to eat dinner with, but have nothing in common with other than a gene pool. Nothing likea baby boomer, two gen Xers, a gen Y, and a millenium baby being in each others' pockets every hour of the day.

At least if you're at home, all family members can get out of the house occasionally to spend time with friends.

[nomoredead]

Find a 17 inch wide uncomfortable chair in your house, place it between the refridge and wall then set there for 15 hrs and pretend you flew to Asia from the west coast.

[FrankenPC]

You forgot simulating the foreign airport security checkpoint experience. I recommend driving to the bad part of town and walking around the neighborhood dressed in Bermudas. Take note of the angry stares and try to smile.

[notconfindtweenhatnboots]

Ah this should be included in the "duplicate inevitable airport delay by wasting of the four hours at the 7/11".

However, the 7/11 would be a much more enjoyable experience, as you don't have to pack all your liquid hair supplies and make-up in a single quart size ziplock bag. You also don't have to take your shoes off and walk around barefoot in order to get through the line. In fact, 7/11 strongly encourages you to keep your shoes on.

[mlaiuppa]

If it were my family's old vacations: get up at 6 am and eat a full breakfast of mostly raw, greasy bacon and runny eggs, then drive around until you get car sick. Then throw up on the side of the road.

Kinda why I prefer staycations. I read, pull some weeds, clean the house. I can get more work done around the house than when I'm working. At the end of my "vacation" I can look around and see what I've accomplished. And my wallet still has cash in it.

[notconfindtweenhatnboots]

If you're still paying for full cable, pull up an on-demand Beach or Aquarium screensaver. Invite the neighborhood kids to come play in your living room for the full beach effect.

[RoseMerry]

Yet another example why Will Durst is one of the funniest and smart commentators on the modern social condition there it!

YAH!

[Soulsurfer]

It all makes it wonderful to get home, doesn't it? Thanks Will. I'd like to ad;
Eat cheapest TV dinner in a child's size lawn chair, sitting 6 inches from the back of your couch.

[coolmaiden]

Don't forget to eat every meal at Applebee's or the Cheesecake Factory.