The Nuclear Two-Step

I think it's time we talk about George Bush's Mideast nuclear policy, which is more confusing than attempting calculus on a solar-powered calculator in the front seat of a high-speed roller coaster while wearing gloves at night. Let me get this straight. He's divided the world into two groups. Those countries we deem sober and sensible enough to handle the whole nuclear weapons thing in the mature manner of a good democratic state like the United States, and all those other countries that still allow barnyard animals to board airplanes.

And the borderline calls? You know, countries whose airlines still allow chickens in the overhead compartment? Easy. The ones we like can have nuclear weapons. And the ones we don't like -- can't. It's that simple. Being the only ones who have ever used an atom bomb in anger, has given us the authority to tell the rest of the world they can't have what we have had for sixty years based solely on whether WE consider them responsible.

Which means Israel, Pakistan, India... oh sure, no problem boys, load up. YOU can go thermonuclear. Because they are our friends. They invited us to their birthday parties. And gave us ice cream. Syria, Iraq and Iran. No. I'm sorry. Never had us over to your house for cake -- no nukes for you. Besides, everybody knows the only reason the Axis of Evil & Friends exist is to destroy the delicate balance of peace existing in the Middle East. Yeah, that delicate balance of peace we've been so instrumental in fostering. Destabilize the Middle East. Heaven forbid. Just when things are going so well.

This post originally appeared on 23/6 (236.com), the new comedy news site. Click here for more satiric, of-the-moment takes on the day's top stories.

Comments

[Luc65]

I agree with all the comments. And the only way to solve the "crisis" is to be deeply involved in helping Iran to develop their nuclear central. By putting stringent processes supervised by international forces there are ways to prevent any material to be diverted for other purpose.

But of course, we will need security companies that are top notch, not the kind that let bomb material enter US airports.

This would enable US to improve its image as americans will be in contact with the population on a daily basis, and open the door to a large Middle Eatern market.

[Dandy12]

It is rather absurd trying to (or thinking one can) control a technology over 60 years old! In human history, such control would be a first!

The US is quite a hypocritical meddler in the Mid - East, and our present day enemies have at one time been our friends or those we conspired with. Just look at the MEK terrorists we back... One's friend is another's terrorist. Except in this case, our State Dept. labels this ally as a terrorist organization.

[kingcityguru]

They are all going to develop nuclear technology anyway -- why not sell them nuclear technology that lets them get electricity without military uses. Canada has such a technology so I am certain the US does also.

Unless you want to kill them all, you have to start making deals with those in the Middle East.

[peterg76]

The US has a history of making 'friends' based on short-term expediency, and refusing to accept that the world is more complicated than just pro- and anti-American. The resulting mixed messages have done terrible harm to global security. The US had enough trouble just with Iraq and chemical weapons; you'd think they'd try a little harder when it came to nuclear weapons.

[paixa3]

Bush does not have the necessary brain power to develop ANY policy.

[CaptainObvious]

Yeah, the bush's nuke-leer two step - he's going to destroy Iran's nuke-leer facilities... by nuking them.

Yes, the "Deep Earth Penetrator" aka "Massive Ordnance Penetrator" aka "Bunker Buster" is actually a nuke-leer weapon. But so long as we don't put "nuke-leer" in the name, it's all good.

[ljsfolly]

With history in mind so often those we help, excuse or even give the damn weapons to, turn on us at another time. Which countries have we helped or given weapons to...... and where are they now?