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Is America Ready for a President Who Has Never Been Drunk?

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ROMNEY IMMIGRATION DANCE
AP

Mitt Romney is a devout Mormon who does not drink. Despite a beer he tried as a "wayward youth," he has never even had alcohol and yet he believes he can lead this nation. This is like someone who has never prayed believing he can be pope. It's just not going to work.

First, a president needs to understand the plight of his people. Mitt Romney has $170 million, which to someone who spends no money on drinks, must be like $400 million. Someone like that would never know what a Four Loko tastes like or lower themselves to drink something that's only sold at bodegas for $3 and probably contains antifreeze. And until you know what it's like to drink two Four Lokos and then try to break into a toy store to see if the toys come alive at night and then, when they don't, start yelling at the toys for being lazy, and then cry, you'll never understand what makes America great.

America is a country founded on a principle: that we are the best. And if anyone asks us, "the best at what?" we spit at those people. If anyone reminds us that we are 34th at infant mortality or 25th at math education, we call those people dickheads. And if anyone reminds us of the terrible things this country has done in its history, we say "hey, is that a euro on the ground?" and when they bend over to see, we fart right in their faces. Because we are Americans and often we are drunk.

America also makes a lot more sense if you are drunk. For example, why are birth rates the highest in states where the obesity rates are the highest? Until you have been drunk, and lonely, and get unlimited mass texting on your phone, you will never know the answer.

Second, the presidency is a stressful job. If the president has never smoked, drank, or used curse words, his first hundred days may end up being like freshman year of college. The White House RA may find Romney passed out on the floor in a pool of his own throw up because he wasn't able to handle the stress.

I know that when I have a stressful week, nothing relaxes me more than a few shots of tequila and a bottle of wine. Then, when I wake up in the hospital in a brand new gown, I forget all about the money I owe my brother or the fact that I'm past due on the rent. I can take a deep breath and focus on escaping from the hospital before they expect me to pay. And if I need respites like that, I can only imagine that a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders would too.

It also works in the reverse direction: Let's say Romney is asked what his position on trade with South Africa is. Sober Romney may not have a position, and thus look weak or unprepared. But a drunk Romney would boldly declare that everyone in South Africa is a jerk and that they should all stop speaking Spanish and eating tacos like they own the place. That's a guaranteed applause line.

He would then burp really loudly. More applause.

My point is that we are not a nation of emotionless go-getters. If Romney wants to stay sober, he can go be chancellor of Germany. We are a people, a flawed and scared and insecure and hopeful and occasionally triumphant but usually confused people who look pretty attractive at certain angles. And we need a leader who is one of us.

Preferably someone who brought mixers, because we are running out.