John McCain's campaign announced today that doctors at the University of Arizona successfully performed surgery on Senator McCain that will allow him to simultaneously say contradictory things, instead of having to wait months or years to reverse himself, as is current practice.
While researchers have long been studying the link between brain chemistry and politics, this procedure is being hailed as a potential game changer in modern elections and a boon to the GOP, which has in recent years depended on people voting against their own self-interest.
The operation stimulates the brain's motor cortex and creates a new section between the two language control areas known as Wernicke's area and Broca's area. This newly mapped part of the brain is being called Rove's region, in honor of the GOP strategist who, as Jon Stewart has observed, is able to make definitive pronouncements on one day and take the completely opposite position a week or two later.
"In this era of rapid response politics and accelerated news cycles," McCain strategist Steve Schmidt told reporters, "campaigns unfortunately sometimes have to choose which side to take without the benefit of polling, focus groups, staff shake-ups or bitter internal divisions. Now, we don't have to pick one or the other. We can choose both."
McCain tried out his new ability on the campaign trail this week, when he called for regulation to reign in the "greed" of Wall Street while repeating his long-standing assertion that regulation is bad and the economy is sound. Campaign officials say in coming weeks the candidate will similarly support unfettered oil drilling and a switch to alternative energy sources; a speedy end to the Iraq war and further commitment of U.S. troops; tax cuts for the rich and tax increases for the rich; and the necessity that a president comes to the job with years of experience and support for Sarah Palin.
In a related development, the International Ventriloquists' Association said it would study this development carefully. "On the one hand, it could be a tremendous boon to voice throwers everywhere," spokesman Jerry Mahoney said. "On the other hand, it could put us out of business."
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