Medical Advance Enables McCain to Talk Out of Both Sides of His Mouth

John McCain's campaign announced today that doctors at the University of Arizona successfully performed surgery on Senator McCain that will allow him to simultaneously say contradictory things, instead of having to wait months or years to reverse himself, as is current practice.

While researchers have long been studying the link between brain chemistry and politics, this procedure is being hailed as a potential game changer in modern elections and a boon to the GOP, which has in recent years depended on people voting against their own self-interest.

The operation stimulates the brain's motor cortex and creates a new section between the two language control areas known as Wernicke's area and Broca's area. This newly mapped part of the brain is being called Rove's region, in honor of the GOP strategist who, as Jon Stewart has observed, is able to make definitive pronouncements on one day and take the completely opposite position a week or two later.

"In this era of rapid response politics and accelerated news cycles," McCain strategist Steve Schmidt told reporters, "campaigns unfortunately sometimes have to choose which side to take without the benefit of polling, focus groups, staff shake-ups or bitter internal divisions. Now, we don't have to pick one or the other. We can choose both."

McCain tried out his new ability on the campaign trail this week, when he called for regulation to reign in the "greed" of Wall Street while repeating his long-standing assertion that regulation is bad and the economy is sound. Campaign officials say in coming weeks the candidate will similarly support unfettered oil drilling and a switch to alternative energy sources; a speedy end to the Iraq war and further commitment of U.S. troops; tax cuts for the rich and tax increases for the rich; and the necessity that a president comes to the job with years of experience and support for Sarah Palin.

In a related development, the International Ventriloquists' Association said it would study this development carefully. "On the one hand, it could be a tremendous boon to voice throwers everywhere," spokesman Jerry Mahoney said. "On the other hand, it could put us out of business."

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Comments

[Speakupper]

In a related medical story, Gov. Sarah Palin, made good on her promise to increase her transparency, undergoing a goundbreaking medical procedure that now allows many American voters to see right through her. The affects are gradual, however. According to scientists, there seems to be a direct, exponential relationship between the amount of public exposure Palin receives and the number of Americans able to see through her. Calculations indicate that the majority of registered voters will experience the full effect by November 4th, 2008.

[Speakupper]

HuffPost's Pick

Apparently, this same group of researchers has successfully cloned Senator Mc Cain. This explains why Americans have witnessed both Mc Cain the dereulator, and Mc Cain the re-regulator, for the immigration bill, against it, for the bailout, against it, etc....It had been predicted that by November 4th, there could be enough cloned versions of Mc Cain wandering the United States that, their votes could potentially affect the outcome of the election. Polling shows however that since half of the Mc Cain clones would vote for themselves and the other half would vote against themselves, their votes will cancel each other out.

[Hitojichi]

Email from our Republican friends in the Senate.
In language that resonates with their base:


Dear Ben,

Barack Obama's campaign is flailing, and now Hollywood liberals are coming to the rescue.
Last night, Hollywood liberals raised a record $9 million for Barack Obama. According to one Hollywood insider, "In my 20 years here, I have never seen folks write checks like this."
Hollywood liberals are doing everything they can to drag Obama across the finish line. Case in point: Lindsay Lohan, Chevy Chase, Matt Damon, and Pamela Anderson have spent the last few weeks smearing Sarah Palin.
All of this Hollywood money is a mortal threat to our firewall in the Senate. . . .

Obama's goal to destroy our Senate firewall is scary, but we can fight back!
Will you help stop Barack Obama and Hollywood liberals?
These Hollywood liberals claim to be for the little guy. But, according to Politico, at the first Obama fundraiser last night:
"[U]pwards of 250 high rollers -- including some of the biggest executives in film, television and music -- will munch gourmet chow and get to hang out with the candidate, enjoying a little face time and posing for personal pictures."
Then the "Obama caravan" left for the Beverly Wilshire Hotel where the genuinely unhinged Barbara Streisand performed for the Hollywood aristocracy.
And now their money threatens our Senate firewall.
Can I count on your support?
. . . .

You are the only thing that stands in the liberals' way.

Sincerely,

[dcbill]

Actually, I think this advance came from the University of Phoenix. No real campus, but they do have a stadium!