The Only Solution to Aiport Security--Fly Naked!

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Breaking News...Dateline Hawaii

President Barack Obama emerged fully naked from an ocean swim to support the recommendation by his terrorism task force that all airplane passengers go through security in the nude.

"This is the only sure-fire measure to prevent terrorists from smuggling bombs or weapons in their shoes, underwear or thighs," the president said. (The New York Times reported this week that "body imaging technology has its limits -- the machines cannot, for example, detect objects stowed in bodily orifices or concealed within the folds of an obese person's flesh."

To demonstrate what Obama called a "new spirit of openness" required of the American people, the president spoke to reporters in his birthday suit, displaying his usual sangfroid,among other things.

"I realize this step will require some sacrifice from the American people," Obama said. "And it will take some getting used to. But if it was good enough for Adam and Eve, nudity should be good enough for modern-day Christians, Jews and yes, Muslims."

The airline industry, whose share prices have plummeted since the terror incident, quickly rushed to embrace the proposal. Delta brought back its "We love to fly and it shows" slogan and Jet Blue announced it was fitting all its seats with fur covers and vibrating cushions. United hired Tiger Woods as a spokesman and rushed to film commercials with the golfer and his girlfriends, many of whom spend much of their working lives naked. "It's no big deal," they say in the new ads.

Back in Hawaii, President Obama was asked if he would be flying naked aboard Air Force One.

"We already do," Obama said. "Except for Joe Biden. I gave him my Speedo." The loud "ewwwww" sound from the press as it contemplated that image was later said by the White House to really be "Bruuuuuuce."