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William Lucas Walker
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William Lucas Walker is an Emmy Award-winning writer and producer whose television credits include Frasier, Will & Grace and Roseanne. He co-created the critically-acclaimed one-hour Showtime comedy series The Chris Isaak Show.

Bill and his husband Kelly are the parents of Elizabeth and James, born in 2001 and 2005. The children were gratified by the legal marriage of their parents in 2008, an event that rescued them from a life of ruinous bastardry.

Spilled Milk chronicles Bill's misadventures in Daddyland. The first recurring humor column by a gay parent to appear in a major U.S. publication, Spilled Milk debuted on the front page of The Huffington Post in February 2012. The column's crossover appeal has since earned it Featured Blog status in a number of HuffPost sections, including Politics, Comedy, Parenting, Huff/Post50 and Religion. He has also appeared on HuffPost Live... with the flu.

Follow William Lucas Walker on Twitter: @WmLucasWalker, @SpilledMilkWLW or Facebook: "Spilled Milk" by William Lucas Walker.

Entries by William Lucas Walker

Spilled Milk: Contracting Instagram

(4) Comments | Posted March 31, 2014 | 12:42 PM

If you've noticed a break since my last column it's because at my house we've been dealing with a medical crisis. Our oldest child recently turned 13 and like so many in this vulnerable demographic has suddenly contracted a confounding syndrome, best known among her peers by its street name:...

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Spilled Milk: Why Julie Andrews Is Better Than Ritalin

(10) Comments | Posted December 23, 2013 | 8:43 AM

Julie Andrews calms me. She just does. Talks me down, orders my thoughts when I get rattled. And I get rattled a lot during these hellish days Julie so warmly and merrily refers to as "the holiday season."

It's the ADD. Or the lah-ray-ray, as Julie might put it,...

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Spilled Milk: When Dads Cheat

(28) Comments | Posted November 13, 2013 | 4:30 PM

Adulterers relax. This isn't about you. It's uglier than that.

A couple of months ago, just before he turned 8, my boy and I attended something called a Father/Son Getaway. Any sane parent will tell you this is an oxymoron, that "weekend getaway" and offspring are conceits that automatically cancel...

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Spilled Milk: Where I'll Be Spending the Government Shutdown

(39) Comments | Posted October 4, 2013 | 8:32 AM

It's a tense moment in Finding Nemo. A brace-faced little sadist named Darla has just locked her eyes on the aquarium in her uncle's dental office. Her sole aim? To terrorize Peach, an unassuming pink starfish whose only pleasure in life is suctioning herself to the inside of a fish...

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Spilled Milk: Dads and Bras

(111) Comments | Posted August 29, 2013 | 4:16 PM

With the exception of career drag queens, men have no business in bra departments.

Sometimes, though, we're required to venture into these forbidden zones, no matter how suicidal the mission. Due to my repeated failure, even when armed with a detailed text listing the exact size my 12-year-old daughter...

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Spilled Milk: In Case of Inferno, Evacuate

(29) Comments | Posted July 31, 2013 | 10:57 AM

A couple of weeks ago a fire tried to eat our town.

2013-07-29-SMJulyTruck.jpg


You may have heard about it on TV. My mother called from 3,000 miles away to say Brian Williams had reported our evacuation on the NBC Nightly News, which I...

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Spilled Milk: I'm a Horrible, Awful Parent

(58) Comments | Posted May 7, 2013 | 4:38 PM

Serendipity is defined as the unexpected phenomenon of finding something delightful or valuable when you least expect it.

I love serendipity, especially when the something delightful or valuable is a someone. I met my husband 14 years ago in this magically haphazard way. And shortly after that, another key...

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Spilled Milk: 5 Ways Gay Marriage Is Wrecking America (and Causing Global Warming)

(70) Comments | Posted March 28, 2013 | 4:39 PM

You know those unsightly skin tags that start sprouting in your armpit like mushrooms once you turn 40? If it hasn't happened to you it's happened to your parents; don't ask to see them. After personally testing every known method for getting rid of these, I was all set to...

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Spilled Milk: What Would Dr. King Do?

(29) Comments | Posted February 28, 2013 | 2:03 PM

To celebrate my one-year anniversary writing for The Huffington Post, here is a gift for you at the end of our shortest month: my shortest column.

Guarantee: getting through it will take no more than three minutes, four if you cry at videos that feature inspiring kids, guitar music...

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Spilled Milk: It's No Name-Calling Week... You Moron

(90) Comments | Posted January 22, 2013 | 10:02 AM

Take this tip from my vault of tragic personal experience: If you're a boy who's just been surrounded by other boys on the playground and asked to name your favorite superhero, never say it's a toss-up between Batgirl and Doris Day.

There will be repercussions.

Name-calling, like a...

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Spilled Milk: Brokeback Bethlehem

(112) Comments | Posted December 23, 2012 | 10:08 PM

In early November 2005, our son James received his first formal invitation, to Sunday afternoon tea at our friend Richard's house.

As he'd only been alive for five weeks, this presented our boy with unique social challenges. He didn't know how to wear shoes, for instance. Was restricted to...

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Spilled Milk: The Komeuppance of Karma Karl

(84) Comments | Posted November 21, 2012 | 3:36 PM

"It's not FAIR!"

Ah, the scorpion sting of injustice. Alas, no parent can protect his child for very long. The first pangs can be felt as early as infancy. If you doubt this, you've never seen a woman try to breastfeed twins at Target. Stumbling on this brutal tableau...

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Spilled Milk: Strangers on a Train

(72) Comments | Posted October 4, 2012 | 11:21 AM

Did you know September was Grandparents Month? Neither did I. And now it's over, so if you have kids in the house and parents who are breathing, you blew it big time.

God will smite you, as he does nonobservant Jews and sex fetish bloggers. Unless you do something...

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Spilled Milk: If It Ever Came to That

(126) Comments | Posted July 31, 2012 | 7:07 PM

A question for today's modern parent: What would it take, how desperate would you have to be, to consider prostituting yourself for the sake of your family?

Before I had children, I'd have said never. But children change things, as Lifetime TV makes crystal clear in their probing, popular new...

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Spilled Milk: Evolving Door

(76) Comments | Posted June 15, 2012 | 10:43 AM

Sunday is Father's Day, which this year happens to fall (delightfully) on my fourth wedding anniversary. Which got me thinking:

You know how you can watch a movie, then forget everything about it except for one scene that somehow sticks in your head for decades after? There's a special archive...

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Spilled Milk: Tea and Coco

(89) Comments | Posted May 9, 2012 | 1:33 PM

Every young girl should have a fairy godmother. Mine does. Her name is Miss Coco Peru.

Just how does one go about locating a fairy godmother? It's best if they appear at your daughter's crib when she's quite young, wag a finger and say, "I wanna be her fairy...

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Spilled Milk: In My Room

(26) Comments | Posted April 24, 2012 | 10:00 PM

There's a world
where I can go
and tell my secrets to
In my room
In my room...

The haunting Beach Boys classic springs to mind because that's where I find myself as I'm writing this: in my childhood bedroom.

The same...

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Spilled Milk: Treehouse Envy

(28) Comments | Posted March 21, 2012 | 6:39 PM

I never thought when I started building my kids a treehouse that it would turn into a competition. A competition inside my mind -- the worst kind. What follows is the sad story of how two hot daddies got under my bark.

hot daddy /hät 'da-dē/ adjective + noun: the...
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Spilled Milk: Homo's Odyssey

(66) Comments | Posted March 8, 2012 | 4:09 PM

Not too long ago, our little clan took a road trip from Los Angeles to Portland, Ore. Road trips are one of those mysterious things families feel compelled to do but no one knows why, like camping in the Mojave Desert or supporting the career of Miley Cyrus. I predict...

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Spilled Milk: Photoshopping My Neck

(28) Comments | Posted February 22, 2012 | 6:42 PM

It's 8:30. Baths are done, the kids' teeth have been brushed for the mandated seven seconds, and it's time for bed. Which for my 6-year-old, still means a story.

Only my son is tired of the old standbys. We've exhausted Hans Christian Anderson, and I'm avoiding Pinocchio. James is...

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