I hear a lot of people these days talking about the best way to withdraw our troops from Iraq. Well, it's perfectly simple. If everyone just follows my calendar for withdrawal, then we can end this thing in a quiet and orderly manner. Here goes:

July 19, 2008:...

• Replace current U.S. Treasury spokesperson with granite-voiced actor Dennis Haysbert.
• Make it illegal for any American not to purchase the widescreen edition DVD of I Am Legend.
• Poison national water supply and sell antidote for $4.99 at Rite Aid.
• Invest $20 of every American's income in Homeopaws, the new...

Hillary Clinton:

• Clinton For President: Calm Down, It's Not Who You Think
• Hillary Clinton: Secretly Gay, But Isn't Everyone?
• Clinton In '08: Don't Stop Thinking About 8 Years Ago
• Hillary Clinton: Fighting For What 51% Of Polled Americans Believe In
• Vote For Hillary: Couldn't Fuck An Intern If...

• "The next question is for Governor Richardson. Governor Richardson, where do you stand on the issue of....uh....I'm sorry, your double chin is really distracting."

• "Congressman Kucinich, let's just pretend for a moment that we lived in some sort of topsy-turvy storybook town where you could be elected president..."

Mitt Romney:

• Mitt Romney: You've Already Eye-Fucked Him; Now Vote For Him

• Vote For Mitt: He's Just Like You, Only Without The Swearing, Drinking, Smoking And Monogamy

• Vote For Romney: His Pecs Are Like God Damn Dinner Plates

• Mitt Romney: Quickly Changed Every Position He Ever...

Good for use in Iraq, Afghanistan, Guantanamo, and any number of secret CIA prisoner sites....

1. Replace regular showerheads with super-low-pressure eco-friendly showerheads. Pretend old showerheads have to be ordered from factory in Tucson.
2. Play cassette tape of Telephone Line by Electric Light Orchestra. Stop tape before chorus.
3. Make it sound...