My Timetable for Withdrawal

I hear a lot of people these days talking about the best way to withdraw our troops from Iraq. Well, it's perfectly simple. If everyone just follows my calendar for withdrawal, then we can end this thing in a quiet and orderly manner. Here goes:

July 19, 2008: Let's try this the old-fashioned way: Alphabetical. All soldiers whose last names begin with Aa - Arf are free to go. Thanks for the memories, guys! You did good.

July 23, 2008: Okay, lousy idea. My fault. I'm kind of new at this. How about we try the chivalrous method: women and children first. I think everyone can agree on that, right?

August 1, 2008: Listen, I don't want to get into a semantic argument about what constitutes a "child." I just meant real young soldiers. And no, I was not implying that female soldiers are inherently inferior to male soldiers. (Although, c'mon.)

August 20, 2008, 8 a.m.: You know what? Let's just do this randomly: First come, first serve helicopter rides from the top of the embassy building. Line forms around the block; first chopper leaves at nine. Go get 'em, soldiers!

August 20, 2008, 9:15 a.m.: Well, looks like smooth sailing so far. Everyone seems to be--hey, no cutting, Montoya! Royce! Royce, no hanging on to the leg! Back of the line, private!

August 20, 2008, 12 p.m.: Christ, will everybody just back off? There is only room for eight in each helicopter. Wait your turn. I repeat: Wait your turn.

August 20, 2008, 12:30 p.m.: Fuck it--these people are animals. Just start the engine, god damn it. Go, go, GO!

September 19, 2008: Okay, I'm tired of arguing with you people. New rule: If you can find a way to hitch a ride back to the states, you're totally free to go. Seriously, it's cool. But we're not going to pick your ass up this time--you blew it with that embassy thing.

September 23, 2008: Wait! Wait! There's a riot in Basra! Everyone come back!

October 15, 2008: Gosh, I feel like we got this withdrawal thing off on the wrong foot. Let's start over, okay? Everybody write down a withdrawal plan on a scrap of paper and put it in this satchel. I promise I'll take a look at them over the weekend. Sound good?

October 17, 2008: Some real interesting plans in here, fellas. Honestly, nice work. I'm going to take them back to Washington and come up with something really great. Talk soon...

December 3, 2010: You still out there? Listen, I'm really sorry for the delay, guys. Things have just been insanely busy out here. We'll get to you guys really soon, I promise.

January 21, 2012: Okay, where were we? Oh, right: withdrawal. Hmm...this is a tough one. Might have to give me another weekend on this. I want to give the issue the care and consideration it deserves. Hang tight, amigos.

January 22, 2013: Christ, has it been a year already? It is amazing how quickly this war goes by. Seriously, it seems like we were just invading Baghdad, like, yesterday. I'll get something to you by EOD, I promise.

January 22, 2020: Hey, guys! Long time no see! How are things? What's that? Oh, no, no, no. Didn't you hear? Oh, no, I'm not in charge of that anymore. Nah, they got some new guy doing it. I think his name's Brian. Yeah, he can help you guys out with a withdrawal plan and whatnot. He's real smart. Anyway, hope you're all doing well! Good luck!