When I was 17 years old, I had a dream. I dreamt that a little girl walked up to ask me a question. She asked me: "Why do people have to leave each other?" The question was a personal one, but it seemed clear to me why the question was chosen for me.
I was one to get attached.
Ever since I was a child, this temperament was clear. While other children in preschool could easily recover once their parents left, I could not. My tears, once set in motion, did not stop easily. As I grew up, I learned to become attached to everything around me. From the time I was in first grade, I needed a best friend. As I got older, any fall-out with a friend shattered me. I couldn't let go of anything. People, places, events, photographs, moments -- even outcomes became objects of strong attachment. If things didn't work out the way I wanted or imagined they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn't an ordinary emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.
But the problem wasn't with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through my attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that's exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.
But the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can't blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us.
Our weight was only meant to be carried by God. There is only one handhold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment and security. That place is God.
But this world is all about seeking those things everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth, some in status. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. In her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own quest for happiness. She describes moving in and out of relationships, and even traveling the globe in search of this fulfillment. She seeks that fulfillment -- unsuccessfully -- in her relationships, in meditation, even in food.
And that's exactly where I spent much of my own life: seeking a way to fill my inner void. So it was no wonder that the little girl in my dream asked me this question. It was a question about loss, about disappointment. It was a question about being let down. A question about seeking something and coming back empty handed. It was about what happens when you try to dig in concrete with your bare hands: not only do you come back with nothing -- you break your fingers in the process. And I learned this not by reading it, not by hearing it from a wise sage. I learned it by trying it again and again and again.
And so the little girl's question was essentially my own question ... being asked to myself.
Ultimately, the question was about the nature of this worldly life, as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place where people are with you today and leave or die tomorrow. But this reality hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We, as humans, are made to seek, love and strive for what is perfect and what is permanent. We are made to seek what's eternal. We seek this because we were not made for this life. Our first and true home was Paradise, a land that is both perfect and eternal. So the yearning for that type of life is a part of our being. The problem is that we try to find that here. And so we create ageless creams and cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to hold on -- in an attempt to mold this world into what it is not and will never be.
And that's why if we live in this life with our hearts, it breaks us. That's why this life hurts. It is because the definition of worldly life, as something temporary and imperfect, goes against everything we are made to yearn for. God put a yearning in us that can only be fulfilled by what is eternal and perfect. By trying to find fulfillment in what is fleeting, we are running after a hologram, a mirage. We are digging into concrete with our bare hands. Seeking to turn what is by its very nature temporary into something eternal is like trying to extract water from fire. You just get burned. Only when we stop putting our hopes in this life, only when we stop trying to make the this world into what it is not -- and was never meant to be (heaven) -- will this life finally stop breaking our hearts.
We must also realize that nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain warns us that we need to make an internal change. That we need to detach. Pain is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and again and again, the more this material world hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.
And pain is a pointer to our attachments. That which makes us cry, that which causes us most pain, is where our false attachments lie. And it is those things that we are attached to -- as we should only be attached to God -- which become barriers on our path to Him. But the pain itself is what makes the false attachment evident. The pain creates a condition in our life that we seek to change, and if there is anything about our condition that we don't like, there is a divine formula to change it. God says: "Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves" (Quran, 13:11).
After years of falling into the same pattern of disappointments and heartbreak, I finally began to realize something profound. I had always thought that love of the material world meant being attached to material things. And I was not attached to material things. I was attached to people. I was attached to moments. I was attached to emotions. So I thought that the love of this worldly life just did not apply to me. What I didn't realize was that people, moments, emotions are all a part of the material world. What I didn't realize is that all the pain I had experienced in life was due to one thing, and one thing only: love of this worldly life.
As soon as I began to have that realization, a veil was lifted from my eyes. I started to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and was never meant to be: perfect. And being the idealist that I am, I was struggling with every cell in my body to make it so. It had to be perfect. And I would not stop until it was. I gave my blood, sweat and tears to this endeavor: making this life into heaven. This meant expecting people around me to be perfect. Expecting my relationships to be perfect. Expecting so much from those around me and from this life. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations. And if there is one recipe for unhappiness it is that: expectations. But herein lay my fatal mistake. My mistake was not in having expectations; as humans, we should never lose hope. The problem was in where I was placing those expectation and that hope. At the end of the day, my hope and expectations were not being placed in God. My hope and expectations were in people, relationships, means. Ultimately, my hope was in this life, rather than God.
And so I came to realize a very deep Truth. A verse began to cross my mind. It was a verse I had heard before, but for the first time I realized that it was actually describing me: "Those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present, and those who heed not Our Signs" (Quran, 10:7).
By thinking that I can have everything here, my hope was not in my meeting with God and the home with Him. My hope was in this world. But what does it mean to place your hope in this worldly life? How can this be avoided? It means when you have friends, don't expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get married, don't expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you're an activist, don't put your hope in the results. When you're in trouble don't depend on yourself. Don't depend on people. Depend on God.
Seek the help of people, but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) who can save you. Only God can do these things. The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid or salvation of any kind. Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly (22:73). And so, even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart toward God. Face Him alone, as Prophet Abraham said so beautifully: "For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to God" (Quran, 6:79).
But how did Prophet Abraham come to that point? He came to it after being let down by thing other than God: the stars, the moon and the sun. They were not perfect. They set.
They let him down.
So he was thereby led to face God alone. Like Prophet Abraham we need to put our full hope, trust and dependency on God. And God alone. And if we do that, we will learn what it means to finally find peace and stability of heart. Only then will the roller coaster that once defined our lives finally come to an end. That is because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation and unrest. This means that one moment we're happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why.
We experience this emotional roller coaster because we can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we hold on to is inconstant and perishing?
To attain that state, don't let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with God. Don't let your definition of success, failure or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him. And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will never become empty because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.
Looking back at the dream I had when I was 17, I wonder if that little girl was me. I wonder this because the answer I gave her was a lesson I would need to spend the next painful years of my life learning. My answer to her question of why people have to leave each other was: "because this life isn't perfect; for if it was, what would the next be called?"
Originally published at suhaibwebb.com
Follow Yasmin Mogahed on Twitter: www.twitter.com/YasminMogahed
Sherman A. Jackson: The Problem of Suffering: Muslim Theological Reflections
The mind is a wondrous thing. It can create bliss or hell. Yet, it is precisely that, a human endeavor.
But when “real-life” circumstances affect your life like a tornado, it is invisible, wordless attitudes and strengths that will answer those ideas.
For some that ripping apart first comes as the body dies, others experience it sooner, but for each individual it is absolutely unique no matter the time. My life lessons repeat those of Yasmin Mogahed.
Thank you for sharing that. It was extremely profound.
Faved
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?
Solution: Transfer that co-dependency issue from people to an invisible fictional character that by nature will "always" be there.
Problem "solved".
How unbearably sad that this author tries to define her self-worth in the context of a 'relationship' with a unseen and unknown deity. Your self-worth should be based on......... your actual self. Not your relationship with God, mother, friends, relatives or the Hamburglar. The idea that we should seek our 'ultimate happiness, fulfillment and security through a relationship with a deity that no once can demonstrate one shred of proof for is one of the biggest con jobs in history.
AHHHHH! You read my mind.
You'd get better results flipping a coin.
A side note, after being convinced that God exists, one would definitely benefit not to lower God to material level. The creator of matter and energy is above them and not of them. Nature and universe are good schools to get to understand God, owner of infinite knowledge (creator of knowledge!), power, kindness, mercy, .... many attributes can be sen in nature and universe.
I do like how the commenter attempts to put the burden onto the questioner by claiming it is a lack of 'honesty' if they don't buy into the half-baked attempt at proof of a deity. Contrary to the claim of 'dishonesty', it is the glaringly obvious logical flaws in their supposed 'evidence' and a lack of any real 'proof' of their claim that will lead anyone looking for scientific evidence to conclude that their claims are so much self-serving BS.
As an atheist, I firmly believe all people have the right to religion and its practice. I do take issue with people advancing supposed 'evidence' that has already been thoroughly debunked. That is incredibly dishonest and demonstrates the contempt for actual knowledge that is unfortunately common amongst many true believers.
Increase your courage and rise up to real cause of your anger. Take a deep look into yourself, the source of your anger and confusion. Stop hating yourself. We have all damaged someone and many times ourselves. May be you have been damaged more, or may be you have damaged more. A Supreme is so close to us. Increase your courage and ask the "creator" to show you the way and remove any weakness you find in yourself. You are so worthy, "Creator has congratulated himself for creating you:
23:14: and then We create out of the drop of sperm a germ-cell, and then We create out of the germ-cell an embryonic lump, and then We create within the embryonic lump bones, and then We clothe the bones with flesh - and then We bring [all] this into being as a new creation: hallowed, therefore, is God, the best of artisans!
His mercy encompasses everything:
40: 7:THEY WHO BEAR [within themselves the knowledge of] the throne of [God’s] almightiness, as well as all who are near it, extol their Sustainer’s limitless glory and praise, and have faith in Him, and ask forgiveness for all [others] who have attained to faith: “O our Sustainer! Thou embracest all things within [Thy] grace and knowledge: forgive, then, their sins unto those who repent and follow Thy path, and preserve them from suffering through the blazing fire!
23:14 and 40:7 are from Qur'an.
Wow, that's kinda twisted. Husbands, wives, children, family, friends are all false attachments? I hear Jehovah is a jealous god, but that's beyond the pale. Thought we were supposed to love and cherish each other.
Maybe your "attachments" couldn't fill you because you were intent on what they gave you, instead of what you gave them. Real love generally isn't good at keeping score.
False attachments--I agree with Laurelei that the author's understanding of false attachments is off. Expectations, that's another thing. Disappointment? They will come. Yes, people will let us down (and how!), but that does not mean we give up such bonds. It may mean we have work to do on ourselves, but also that perhaps we have been connecting with unsafe people. (Talking from experience, here.)
On the one hand, for those who entrust themselves to God--however one defines this relationship and/or the concept itself--it is the ultimate goal to cast off any shackles to this world, and yet. And yet we are alive in mortal bodies in a material realm, with other humans all around us.
There is great comfort in trust, and great consolation--for many, not all--in words of Scripture. Jesus said that he would never leave nor forsake his own, for example. Nor should we consider that the way we were made--with the blessing/curse of deep attachment and feeling--is somehow something to overcome.
Truest love goes beyond scores and even humbles itself rather openly. But healthy boundaries sometimes get mixed up with detachment and withdrawal.
I think Yasmin has expressed herself in a deeply touching and personal way; but I can't help but feel that her original problems with co-dependency have ever been addressed. Maybe shifted to God? Nevertheless, I appreciate her sharing her story; I just think we should enjoy the life we have now instead of worrying about what lies beyond. Living for death is no way to live at all.