8 Signs Your Partner Is Addicted To Porn

You can't quite put your finger on it, but your relationship feels troubled. In fact, things have become increasingly stressful and you're constantly fielding unresolved relationship problems... but you don't know why.

You are starting to feel confused and distressed.

Could it be that your partner has a pornography problem?

What constitutes a porn addiction or compulsion is a hotly contested issue, which is why its symptoms are rarely discussed.

This lack of discourse has come at a hefty price. Many people who have been victimized by their partner's porn problem wish that they had "seen the signs." They wish they had known what indicates an active habit and an actual problem. They wish they had been able to solve the puzzle before their lives fell apart. And they probably could have. So now we are going to discuss the warning signs.

Many people are completely in the dark that their partner likes porn, much less has a serious relationship with it. Ignorant as to any issue, they trust their lover unconditionally. They assume their partner understands that using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair. This ignorance, combined with the great lengths to which a porn enthusiast will go to hide erotica, can leave a partner in the dark for months or even years.

On the flip side, some couples use, or have used, various forms of erotica to help spice up their sex life. After all, porn is often recommended as one way lovers can be more intimate with each other. But instead of peaking pleasure, porn has become far more than titillation: It's taking over one's life. Instead of enhancing sex, the porn itself has become the object of desire. Now, one partner may find themselves competing with porn for his or her partner's attention.

In either scenario, what signs should tip you off that your partner might have a serious problem with pornography?

Note: While some men and women may enjoy porn, and both can develop a problem with it, I'm going to use the pronoun "he" from here on out. I'm not being sexist; I am acknowledging the fact that about 75 to 85 percent of porn Web browsers are males (although the percentage of females is growing).

1. Your partner is not as social as he used to be.

He is excusing himself from activities, has unexplained absences, and is not able to account for his time. He has little interest in socializing with you or making time for others, including his family.

2. Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.

You're noticing a decrease in physical affection and non-sexual touch. If you have sex, it's because you are the one initiating it. Your partner is having trouble becoming sexually aroused (for example, achieving erection or having an orgasm).

Furthermore, your partner needs more and more stimulation to get turned on and release. He has developed a strong interest in sexual practices that seem a little out of left field. No matter what, both of you are feeling largely dissatisfied post-sex.

3. Your partner is being uncharacteristically demanding or rough during sex.

You're feeling pressured to engage in sexual activities that are either physically or emotionally uncomfortable to you. Your partner is using atypical sexual language. He seems to be objectifying you and he has no qualms about it.

4. Your partner does not seem "present."

Your lover has become emotionally distant during sex. You're starting to feel sexually rejected or neglected. In or out of the bedroom, you and your partner can no longer describe yourselves as emotionally intimate.

5. Your partner has started to nit-pick your appearance.

Your partner seems more and more concerned about what you look like, and if you're sexually attractive "enough." He might make cutting remarks about your weight or shape. He's also making insensitive sexual comments, which make you feel like a sex object.

6. You feel like you're no longer getting straight answers from your lover.

You suspect that much of what is being said these days are white lies. Answers to your questions seem vague and nonsensical. He's defensive when asked about porn use.

Yet you are finding evidence of hiding, lying, and secretive behavior, including porn materials you didn't know about. Maybe your partner maintains a private e-mail address, has his own credit card, and/or has an unknown cell phone account.

7. Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.

He spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, often demanding privacy and/or changing his bedtime ritual. As a result, he has eye problems from spending long hours on the computer. He may also complain of back, wrist, neck or shoulder pain.

8. You've noticed a change in your partner's demeanor.

Your partner just doesn't seem like himself. He has trouble calming down and sleeping. His moods and interests are different. It may even be to the point you're wondering if his mental health is okay. Feeling like a "sex pervert" can lead him to negative emotional outbursts such as picking fights and holding grudges in order to justify his secret porn use.

Now it's important to not put too much weight on any one of these standing alone. There are many people who have trouble getting aroused and it has nothing to do with explicit materials. But if you're noticing patterns or a collection of the aforementioned, your partner likely has some major explaining to do.

If there is a problem, it will surface sooner or later. Whether a partner finds actual evidence, the user confesses, or somebody else - unintentionally or not - spills the beans, the one who has been wronged finally realizes what she's dealing with. It is a horrible, powerful experience that rocks one to the core. Stunned, overwhelmed and confused, many do not know what to do. The longer and more intimate the relationship, the harder it is to process this news.

When dealing with emotional wounds, and trying to save the relationship, a couple should consider seeking outside help first - despite any embarrassment. With additional support, couples need to talk about their problems and how porn has affected the relationship with a non-judgmental third party.

A number of sex therapists from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists are capable of handling such situations. Porn problems have become quite common, and no one should go through recovery alone.

Comments

[mamacat]

Wouldn't a more appropriate title for the picture be, "How to tell if your partner likes their cat more than you."?

[mbaty]

This isn't about porn, it's about deception and secrets and a hostile atmosphere to truly expressing feelings with your partner. No matter what they are hiding, this list could apply to them. This is about not feeling comfortable enough with your partner to tell them whatever it is that's being secretly desired. I don't even know how someone could consider watching porn as Adultery, but I know there are women (and men) who believe this way, and that mental position could be a huge communication block if the other partner enjoys porn or sometimes needs time to be with themself. The fear is always, "If I confess, will they still love me?" And that's a big fear for a lot of people about a lot of things, but in an atmosphere where even something as relatively innocent as porn can't be discussed rationally between two people with a long-term agreement, how can the relationship even survive?
Communication is the key. And honesty.

[Grandk]

It is about porn and how it warps your mind. D-E-N-I-A-L.

[PatCroft]

Oh an I was going to add, every time I check out my grocery's, I am surrounded by porn as well as every time I open a newspaper.

[dejantod]

Are you kidding me??? Using porn is same as commiting adultery??? How dumb!

It is funny how in countries with such high moral standards (U.S.A) there is much larger percentage of porn users, sexual predators, teen pregnancies, violent crimes etc, etc. It is because people like this author have this broken morality code where driving an SUV, hunting wild game with a super-powered rifle, owning a pool in the water-starved western states, attacking Iraq for no reason at all... is acceptable, but using eroitc literature (or porn for those who need more visual experience) to spice up the sex life is wrong...

I would think that using porn is better than using Viagra if it works for you...

[Dantesque]

I mostly agree with you but your nationalistic analysis is wrong. This author's bio says that she is originally from Iceland. America isn't the only country to have a lock on prudent moral values. Christ, just check the uptightness of almost any Slavic country, Japan, most of Africa, the Middle East, etc...and you'll see what I mean. Hell, some places kill you for using pornography.

[jrb35]

Japan has some of the craziest porn in the world. Real kinky stuff. Ever heard of Bukake? But they do censor footage of any physical contact with either male and female genitals by covering them up with pixilation.

[EspressoAtNoon]

I suspect a lot of times porn fills a void in people's lives. Often one stops showing interest in their spouse, or turns off sex completely. This would make the other spouse feel neglected, unattractive, and empty - thus, yearning to fill that void with something else.

Porn fills that void which some might try and fill with an extramarital affair. Porn is not cheating and yet it can help the one being neglected to add some sexual excitement to his or her life.

[CMEdiger]

As in any addictive behavior most people don't have a problem- you can take it or leave it- booze, gambling, shopping- name your poison. Right now I can see a local homeless guy on my busy corner begging for change so he can buy his quart of malt liquor- his entire life is consumed by getting that beer and becoming as drunk as possible, He stops when he passes out. It's easy to see- he's an addict.
My father became an on-line porno addict- if you think it's bad when your partner gets stuck in porno-land- imagine an elderly parent who is on-line, sitting at the computer, looking at porno for so many hours of the day, day after day. that he develops ulcers on his legs. I had to take him to a wound clinic and sit with him for hours while the doctor removed ulcerous tissue from his shins - all due to sitting for hours at the computer. Do gamers get leg ulcers? Just asking.
In addition, Dad was charging all this sexy fun on his credit card- the billing for "flling his void" cost him on average $1200 a month. At first my brothers felt sorry for him- he needed an "outlet for his frustration." Once it became clear that he was bleeding money for this "harmless" distraction, they agreed to put up parental controls- in order to control our out of control parent.

[Fenianheart]

Wow, look at the major defensiveness and anger in commenting on this story! Let me tell you, there is a HUGE difference between liking porn and being addicted to it., and the situations referred to in this article are indeed core shaking. Many people have experienced this pain, and if you tried a little empathy, you might think twice about the mocking.

[jvarga]

Sorry its hard to get people to really take it seriously when the post actually attempts to revive "porn will make you go blind". Seriously, all we're missing is "if your partner has taken to shaving his palms..."

"As a result, he has eye problems from spending long hours on the computer."

[vorpalmusic]

My heart goes out to anyone in a loveless relationship. But let's be honest, this article starts right off with the assertion that "using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair," and then goes on to list 8 "signs of porn addiction" that could just as easily be symptoms of nearly a million other things.

You note apparent defensiveness and anger in the comments you see here but you seem to ignore the more telling fact that on a site where articles regularly garner 2000 responses this one has gotten 11, and almost all of them were intended at least semi-humorously, the only appropriate response to such a stupid article.

Relationships break down, and people sometimes seek to ignore the fact that this is happening and distract themselves with something: affairs, pornography, excessive shopping or eating, etc. Oftentimes people make poorly-conceived and illogical attempts at placing the blame on the tupperware party or the affair instead of where it actually lies. People don't cheat on partners they are satisfied with (and I say this as a man whose marriage ended because my wife was having an affair), nor do men or women who are truly happy in their relationships choose pornography over real sex.

[PatCroft]

Well the web we weave and the theater we play!

I have yet to meet someone who did not like sex and yet I meet people all the time that are miserable because they don't get sex, nor know enough to ask for it.

Porn denotes some sort of negative Christian derogative. As does masturbation and certain elements of personal gratifications. How much more guilt must we have not before but after we caress ourself. How much guilt must we have looking at something that chemically transforms us into ecstasy.

Why do we continue to adhere to Freud's science.

[GQTaste]

If you're a male than more than likely he's addicted to porn.

[vorpalmusic]

"using porn, at least beyond a magazine like Playboy, is the equivalent of having an actual affair."

Is masturbating also the equivalent of having an actual affair? What if I spread the entire bed with different porno magazines while I masturbate? Is that the equivalent of an actual gang-bang? Wait, only if it's the hardcore stuff, right?

If I spread the whole bed with different issues of Playboy and then masturbate that's not really an actual orgy--then I'm just masturbating to the idea of an actual orgy, so it's not cheating then, right?

[iamtoo]

Excellent.

By the quoted logic, having an actual affair is the equivalent of what - rape?

[bushitler]

#1 Sign your partner MUST be addicted to porn:
1. You are Republican enough to believe that masturbation is having an actual affair

By calling masturbation an actual affair, you deprive men of the one thing that keeps them monogamous.

Masturbation: my body, my choice. Go F yourself.

[caitmary]

While it's obviously ridiculous to consider normal, healthy masturbation an affair, claiming that masturbation is "the one thing that keeps men monogamous" is an untrue, blanket generalization that many, many monogamous men I know in happy marriages would disagree with.

Masturbation is normal. Masturbation is wonderful. Masturbation is something partners can share. But If masturbating is really the "only thing" that keeps you from cheating on your wife/girlf­riend/part­ner, you need to be in a different relationship or none at all.

[Quaoar]

"Maybe your partner maintains a private e-mail address, has his own credit card, and/or has an unknown cell phone account."

Having your own credit card and e-mail address are signs of porn addiction? It's more likely a sign that the nontrusting partner is a hyperjealous control freak with serious issues of their own.

[DryBrook]

Some of these "signs" are pretty useless at diagnosing the problem as porn instead of something else. These five could be just about anything: depression, gambling, drugs, alcohol, an affair, online video games, internet addiction, etc.
8. You've noticed a change in your partner's demeanor.
4. Your partner does not seem "present."
1. Your partner is not as social as before.
6. You feel like you're no longer getting straight answers from your lover.
7. Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.

No. 2, likewise, could be other things: depression, drugs, alcohol, an affair, change of heart.
2. Your partner lacks interest in sex or is sexually unresponsive.

Rather than eight "signs", you're really left with just these two that point to porn (though an affair might explain them, too). The other six merely indicate that there is some sort of problem in your relationship, but not what.
3. Your partner is being uncharacte­ristically demanding or rough during sex.
5. Your partner has started to nit-pick your appearance.

[HeevenSteven]

8 signs that your partner is addicted to Huffington Post.

1. Your partner is not as social with Republicans as he used to be.
2. Your partner lacks interest in sex or anything else with Republicans.
3. Your partner is being uncharacte­ristically demanding or rough during discussions with Republicans.
4. Your partner does not seem "present." when you discuss the minutia of your day.
5. Your partner has started to nit-pick your political awareness.
6. You feel like you're no longer getting straight answers from your lover about what he is commenting about on HuffPo.
7. Your partner is practically wed to the Internet.
8. You've noticed a change in your partner's demeanor.

[xpresv]

Love it! My name is Katrina and I'm a HuffPo-aholic.

[Lon]

Are you really suggesting that spending too much time on the internet is a sign of addiction? I mean are you really suggesting it on a blog read mostly by people who spend too much time on the internet?