Huffpost Politics
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Zach Puchtel Headshot

The 'You Can Have It' Plan

Posted: Updated:
Print
AP
AP

President Barack Hussein Obama,

I dig that you're black, seriously. Most of America does. You're the Jackie Robinson of politics, singing your Al Green and playing basketball at North Carolina. Honestly, you very well might be the coolest president of all time. JFK was cool, he had Marilyn, yeah, but you, you have the biggest stars in the world show up to sing you songs on Inauguration Day, and you're the perfect family man and husband to boot.

I'm wondering though, you're so good with people, you're so good with speaking and taking down evil regimes without any ground troops, why is it that you have so much trouble handling Republicans? It's become clear that a bi-partisan system doesn't serve the people because the two sides are too busy arguing over who is right rather than compromising on how to help the masses. No one's fault, just doesn't work. Not to associate Southerners with Republicans, mainly because of Florida and also because they have lots of guns, but a lot of these people still fly Confederate flags, believing that "the South will rise again!" The only thing rising in the South is the average temperature every year due to global warming, which many of them also don't believe in.

So here it is Pres., I have a plan for you. Yes, it is cut and dry, and yes it will offend some people, but radical decisions and progressive thoughts are always looked down upon before they are accepted and eventually revered.

It's called the "You Can Have It" plan. Here's how it works: People who don't believe in global warming, science, gun control, equality and clean fuel are allowed to do so in the entirety of the United States. From Florida to New York to Minnesota, California and Texas, the entire continental United States will be devoted to anyone who chooses not to believe. The cool part about the plan is that everyone will have a choice.

Those who do believe in the aforementioned move to Canada. It's called "You Can Have It" because this land's political landscape has been a battle ground for seemingly simple issues for much too long. Rather than bicker over whether a woman has the right to abort a pregnancy if she was raped, and other "hot button" issues, those who move to the North will be given a choice in how to live their lives as they see fit, within reasonable societal guidelines.

In 50 years or so, once global warming really starts to heat up, the South will be experiencing a sauna, and they will no doubt be crowding near the Canadian border, but they will not be let in. They will have been given all they asked for, and after continuing to burn fossil fuels, the hole in the ozone over the U.S. will be too much to bear.

Luckily, science will have found answers to to our CO2 problems, creating new plants that convert three times as much CO2 into O2 daily. (This already exists in nature -- life will find a way!) I understand that air travels over borders. I guess we can export some of our CO2 plants.

People in the North will also have access to life-prolonging medical supplies that will most likely be free of charge since the socialist system, which is set up to benefit the WHOLE OF A SOCIETY, will provide immaculate health care to all of its residents, not just its senators and rich. Also, stem cell research will have heavy funding, and the North will have organic replacements for every organ and tissue in the human body, not to mention cures for some of the world's worst diseases.

There are holes in the plan. They will have a lot of guns. I think we need lasers, really big ones... I bet science can handle that one.

Postscript: The North will be living side by side with robots too, just sayin'.

This post first appeared on Zach's blog: zachpuch.wordpress.com