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Snooki, Romney, and Reason

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Buried underneath the heap of controversy caused by that pesky 47% video sits an equally revealing tidbit from last week's news cycle: Mitt Romney prefers Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi to Alana "Honey Boo Boo Child" Thompson.

During his visit on Live with Kelly and Michael, he was delighted to sing the Jersey Shore star's praises: "I'm kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she's gotten. She's lost weight. She's energetic. Just her spark-plug personality is kind of fun." (Good for Mitty. When Obama visited the View in 2010, he had never even heard of Snooki.)

A few days later, a bronze Romney oompa-loompa'd over to the Univision Forum in Florida, looking like an over-baked, crispy version of himself. Some suggested that he was dyeing his face brown in a desperate attempt to appeal to Latino voters.

I propose an alternative theory: Romney's inner Snooki is oozing out his pores.

Beyond the obvious parallels--both fathers born in Latin America, a fondness for pickles and (more recently for Snooks) virgin cocktails -- could this predilection for the tanorexic shoremonger over the Beautimus Boo Boo shed light on Romney's worldview and perhaps even the type of thinkers he might welcome into his cabinet?

Unlike the 7-year-old Boo Boo, a pig-loving pageant princess who spews redneck patois, Snooki and Romney share a unique brand of reason that defies logic. Pumped up with fallacies, misinformed opinions, and jaw-dropping ejaculations, they often appear to share an identical ethos on the page.

Consider the following ways in which the GOP presidential candidate and Snooki exhibit similar patterns of thought:

They have coherent and specific ideas about how to get this country back on track.

SNOOKI: After I run for president, Deena is going to be vice-president. I would get shit done in this country. The economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios would play house music. (Jersey Shore, Season 3)

ROMNEY: What I would do? People ask me, "What would you do to get the economy going?" and I say, "Well look at what the president's done and do the opposite." (May 2012)

They offer unique perspectives on international relations.

SNOOKI: Italy is like that big country, or no, Europe is that big country and then you have like Britain in there and England and Italy. (Jersey Shore, Season 4)

ROMNEY: Russia, this is, without question, our number one geopolitical foe. They - they fight every cause for the world's worst actors. (March 2012)

They plan on staying far away from the oceans and environmental disasters.

SNOOKI: I hate the ocean. It's all whale sperm. Everybody Google it. Because that's why the water is salty. From the f**king whale sperm. (Jersey Shore, Season 3)

ROMNEY: President Obama promised to begin to slow the rise of the oceans and to heal the planet. My promise is to help you and your family. (GOP Convention Speech, August 2012)

They are prudent with financial transactions that could become a liability.

SNOOKI: It doesn't come up "Stripper Pole" on my credit card, right? 'Cause my Dad would be like "what the f**k?!" (Jersey Shore, Season 3)

ROMNEY: I'm running for office, for Pete's sake. We can't have illegals. (During an October 2011 GOP debate in which he explained why he fired illegal aliens working on his property)

They don't apologize. Ever.

SNOOKI: That's not me ... apologizing and admitting I'm wrong. (Jersey Shore, Season 5)

ROMNEY (author of No Apology): I'm not familiar precisely with what I said, but I'll stand by what I said, whatever it was. (May 2012)

They are very disappointed with Obama's tax hikes on tanning.

SNOOKI: I don't go tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. I feel like he did that intentionally for us, like McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning.. because he is pale and he would probably wanna be tanned. (Jersey Shore, Season 2)

ROMNEY: Instead of encouraging entrepreneurs and employers, he raises their taxes, piles on record-breaking mounds of regulation and bureaucracy and gives more power to union bosses. (June 2011, apparently referring to taxes on tobacco and tanning)

Their beliefs about life inside the womb have evolved.

SNOOKI: I read that your baby can feel your orgasm. What does he think it is? Does he see, like, rainbows and unicorns? (US Weekly, June 2012)

ROMNEY: Look, I was pro-choice. I am pro-life. You can go back to YouTube and look at what I said in 1994. I never said I was pro-choice, but my position was effectively pro-choice. I changed my position. And I get tired of people that are holier-than-thou because they've been pro-life longer than I have. (August 2007)

They offer smart advice for aspiring small business owners.

SNOOKI: Every store should have animal print because if they don't, it's a really boring store and I would never go in it. (Snooki & Jwoww, Episode 3)

ROMNEY: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents, start a business. (An address to students, April 2012)

They are wild, fun, and unpredictable!

SNOOKI: Every time I get really excited, like if we go to a club, I have to poop my pants. If we go to a party, I have to poop my pants, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop my pants. (Jersey Shore, Season 3)

ROMNEY: People don't know me terribly well from the -- you know, the kinds of pranks we play and what's it like in a home with five boys. But most of our dinner table -- events were -- involving humor of one kind or another most of which can't be repeated on the air. (In an interview with Diane Sawyer, April 2012)

With so many glaring similarities, you'd expect Snooki to be a rabid Romney supporter. Alas, no. She told Rolling Stone that Obama has her vote. Why? "'Cause he's our president," she responded.

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