Dating While Married

Sex sells and infidelity is a booming business according to Noel Biderman, president and CEO of The Ashley Madison Agency -- a discreet online dating service for married folks.

Yes, their slogan really is, "Life is short, have an affair." Yes, he really did launch a Cash for Chunkers (that is, an overweight spouse) campaign last month, offering "a cash incentive for those looking to temporarily trade in their Chunker for something a little sleeker."

And yes, Mr. Biderman's business card really is fashioned like an upscale hotel key.

All outrageousness aside, one would assume that Biderman is an instant hero to sneaky married men and Public Enemy No. 1 to suspicious married women -- but not so fast.

The bold broker of lust and I sat down for a chat recently and Biderman disclosed that his entire business strategy has been to lure married women to the other side of fidelity.

You can insert your shock and awe face right here, folks.

Zondra: Briefly, what is the origin of the name, Ashley Madison?

Noel: Everything we did from inception was to make women feel comfortable; the two most popular names that were out in 2001, when we developed the concept, were Ashley and Madison. The women named their children that, so they must have some kind of affinity for those names. So that became the fake persona behind the service.

Why target married women?

It's easier to convince men that extramarital affairs are OK than it is to convince women. From our research, women that do have affairs tend to have them in the workplace. When they go online and try to meet someone from that universe it has been the major challenge.

Who is the ideal Ashley Madison client?

Ashley Madison is for people who are disenfranchised in their relationships; women, men, it crosses every socio-economic group, every ethnic group and both genders so that there is no one who cannot use the service.

Your critics call you a home-wrecker ... and other things that shouldn't be printed here on this fine blog.

It sounds ironic, but Ashley Madison in a sense gave married people the opportunity to tell the truth. Not to their spouse per se, but to the community they were trying to engage with. As you can imagine, there are tons of people that are unsuspecting singles who engage with someone wonderful [online] but that person turns out to be married.

And that's a really challenging situation, because when they've been misled like that, the rules have changed. And if you're a married guy, [that online date] could call your spouse.
But if you come to another married person and, on the outset say, 'I'm attached and this is what I'm looking for,' there is that expectation of a mutual destruction concept, that is, 'I am going to keep this to myself but the golden rule is that our partners should never find out about this.'

That is why Ashley Madison is so attractive to people. You're engaged in a community where you know that you're all attached.

A new cheater registers to your site every 15 seconds -- over 4 million to date. What if someone leaves his or her spouse for the Ashley Madison date? Are you a home-wrecker in this scenario?

If you stood back and said, OK, affairs have happened. They have happened with our politicians, with athletes and celebrities, they have happened since time immemorial. Isn't it better off when they happen in a community when they're all together, or do we want this happening in the workplace where the work productivity declines? Or on the singles dating web sites, or breaking the law with escorts? I think we have to look at it objectively. Make no mistake; it's part of your DNA to desire to be sexually active with the opposite sex, it's not in your DNA to be monogamous.

Drawing from your typical membership profiles, who are the "married and dating" set, and why do they cheat?

One primary reason men visit the site is that they are in a sexless marriage, or they are getting very vanilla sex in their lives. This is my hypothesis, there is so much access to adult material on the web that these men see the others' user-generated adult content and they start thinking, "Oh my goodness my neighbor is a swinger, my neighbor is having threesomes." And they're thinking, not only have they not had sex for three weeks, it's the same old missionary position and with the same person every night. They're going to stray because they don't have the courage or the wherewithal to have the conversation with their partner to make that fantasy a reality, or they don't want to deal with the repercussion of asking for that fantasy, and that's why they come to our services. It's not because they are feeling disenfranchised or emasculated -- it's about sex.

Why would married women use your services?

On the female side, it's a totally different psychographic. Married women come to our service because for the last 10 years they haven't been paid attention to. They haven't been told that they're beautiful, or been brought flowers, and when they change their hair or their appearance their husband doesn't even notice anymore.

And for a woman who used to be the object of someone's desire or fantasy, to have lost that is very painful. They are lonely within their own relationships. And loneliness is a true driver -- it equates to pain. So if you're lonely you're going to change that. You sign up to the service and you have these men tell you, 'I want to meet you.' These men are interested in her as an object of desire, and that's a revalidation for her.

What about the other group that visit your site -- the good time guys and gals? Who are they?

Mistresses, and their view of the world is that a good man is hard to find, and if you've got one, and for whatever reason, you're not taking care of him, that's your tough, and I will. There is no notion of sisterhood with them -- that they are going to somehow keep married men off-limits. Their view is this: 'I am not interested in stress and picket fences and kids right now, I'm interested in fun. And to me, fun is being with a great guy that treats me well and takes me places. And if he's married, so be it.'

OK, Noel, you are married with two children; how would you feel if your wife used your service?

If she used my service, I wouldn't say the service is at fault. I wouldn't blame the man she was with. And ultimately, I wouldn't even blame her. I would take a long look in the mirror and ultimately, I would ask, 'How did I fail my wife?' That's accountability. If she strayed, I don't know what would become of our marriage, but there's one person to blame and that would be myself.

You can insert my shock and awe face right here, folks.

Follow Zondra Hughes on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TheMoodLounge

Comments

[strangelet]

Okay, 100 words. This is just media jazz. There are a multitude of other websites that promote illicit (if not specifically extramarital) sex, but without the cute name. Who should care, except the folks directly involved?

I've been married three times: divorce, untimely death, divorce. I never "cheated", because I would have felt that it was wrong. But I'm sure it helped that the marital sex was really good.

Other peoples' sex lives are not my business. Or yours.

[PatA]

I agree with the poster who said "cheating is abuse"....I can remember how long it took me to get myself together after I found out my husband was having an affair. I left him with no self-esteem and no confidence that I could make it......It is abuse.

[ZimboChick]

Many moons ago, I would have inserted my shocked face right here, but I have seen it all. Unfortunately what he is saying is happening more than people care to admit. I just choose to see reality at this point in my life.

[dadw5boys]

Tracking software catches many cheaters.

[dadw5boys]

A wife here found the other woman phone number on a bill and then the chats on the computer after hiring a IT guy to install a tracking program.

She now owns his businesses and the Husband of the other woman is divored and has total ownership of all their properties.

Both lost everything for an affair. Both are now renters and living like the teenagers they were pretending to be. They only live 20 miles a part .

[erebus1]

I am simply amazed!!! Not at the idea that people cheat, but that people really feel that they have the right to assume they should have some input on the lives and decisions of consenting adults. The idea that infidelity is the indicative of societal decay when we have war, murder, child molestation and continued slavery is ludicrous. It seems to me that our own selfish fears may be clouding our judgement on the degree to which this may affect us as a civilization. Please keep things in perspective people. This may be a sad truth to some of you but you cannot prevent a grown person from doing whatever they want irrespective of contracts or promises. Please stop trying to make breach of contract/promise a mortal sin.

[Zondra Hughes - Huffpost Blogger]

Erebus, I was so conflicted during our chat. But what I do know is that this service is a great reminder to all spouses to keep close with their love on the homefront.

[martinfrosa]

erebus1,

Sure, consenting adults have the right to decide what they will or will not do. But most adults want the choice without the consequences. The consequences of divorce, if children are involved, are devastating to them. I know because my wife is a child of divorce and it has affected her for life as it does many others.

In most cases, divorce is a selfish answer to normal human problems. The fact that one would use this website to "cheat" on one’s spouse is sickening. I realize that "old fashioned" values like honesty, fidelity, commitment and honor may not mean a lot to you, but they still count for something in the world.

Besides, all the statistics show that second marriages fail more often than first marriages. The divorced partners think that a new marriage will be better but unless they address their own shortcomings, it won't.

[hoopesaz]

"it's part of your DNA to desire to be sexually active with the opposite sex, it's not in your DNA to be monogamous."

Funny, i've never seen that mapped out. Exactly what gene is that? Ah, of course not. More pathetic justification for participating in a slimy business. Simple as that.

[Eris23]

"They're going to stray because they don't have the courage or the wherewithal to have the conversation with their partner to make that fantasy a reality, or they don't want to deal with the repercussion of asking for that fantasy, and that's why they come to our services. It's not because they are feeling disenfranchised or emasculated -- it's about sex."

LOL! Actually, it's exactly about feeling disenfranchised and emasculated, or simply disempowered, for any gender involved in this. People are too cowardly to ask for what they want, but are upset because others are getting and they feel they should? Talk about a contradiction.

There's nobody I socially loathe more than cheaters. They are the biggest cowards in the world. I'm fine with an open relationship. I'm not cool with a pretend committed relationship where I would get crap if I got caught doing the same thing my cheating spouse did. I just get so tired of hearing all the silly excuses that, in the end, boil down to people supposedly being afraid to communicate what they want. For every cheater I've known, it's always been about control. It's a form of abuse.

[Zondra Hughes - Huffpost Blogger]

I have never heard that view before... cheating as a form of abuse. Wow... when you think of the aftermath for the unsuspecting partner, I am certain it is debilitating. Thank you for that perspective.

[perfectomundo]

If married life is such that you need someone new, take the respectful steps with your partner first. I'm talking about trying to remedy the situation BEFORE stepping out and cheating. If that doesn't work, get a divorce.

[karinova]

Exactly. What's so hard about that?

And this

[ZimboChick]

lol

[JuniperSunshine]

This has got to be the last sign of the apocalypse. Dating is for SINGLE PEOPLE. Doesn't your spouse deserve better than this? If you don't feel connected, or are having difficulties, you need to work it out. Why did you bother with your vows at all, if you start cheating the second things get hard? Yes, some spouses feel ignored - that's something to work on *together*...and by together, I don't mean you and your new flame. I mean you and your spouse.

[GoJacks]

Why is infidelity a sign of societal decay. If anything it's a sign that we are not meant to be monogamous. Our society is not defined by committed marriages. Those may be your values, but even the most moralistic people don't follow those values.

However, I think its funny that we have to create a website where we can have secret love/lust affairs. Nothing good can come out of living a life of secrecy. Especially when you're lying to a person that you care about.

[hoopesaz]

"Why is infidelity a sign of societal decay"

Because infidelity is about greed, selfishness, and pure unconcern for others. Particularly others with whom we have made a promise. Without honesty there is no trust. Without trust there is chaos. Without trust, families fail to function; credit markets fail to function; governments fail to function.

Unless all of your closest friends routinely lie and cheat you, then surely you understand this point. You're just failing to make the connection.

[honoursplendor]

So then you would support an open marriage so long as each person is aware?

[BC45]

I have to agree with GoJacks. I've had sex more than a few times outside my marriage, but I really think I'm being dishonest and deceitful. I don't think that human beings are naturally monogamous, but instead of seeing infidelity as social option, we need to find ways to have more open and frank discussions about the pros and cons (and realities) of monogamy. When more than 50% of marriages in this country end in divorce or nearly as many married men or women have an affair at least once in their marriage, then we ought to know something is not natural about this most "cherished" institution.

I think we are too hard on ourselves when our so-called values go against our nature. I understand the benefits of marriage in modern society, but we also need to acknowledge the shortcomings of marriage and how almost impossible it is for for many of us to meet the challenges of remaining monogamous. People change. People have different sets of values. So if we don't want to condone infidelity, we should at least start admitting to ourselves and young people that monogamy is not the only way to have a relationship. Palamory and other forms of relationships can be just as healthy, though done are perfect. Everyone doesn't have to get married, and couples should be able to have open relationships without feeling ashamed of it.

[epotruchyeahright]

I have no problem with this at all, except the CEO made one comment I found dubious: "Isn't it better off when they happen in a community when they're all together, or do we want this happening in the workplace where the work productivity declines?" To me, anytime one starts to compartmentalize their lives in such a way, the productivity is going to decline, at home and at work. If they can handle that, no worries. It has to be a hard thing to maintain the lie, which leads to more lies. As soon as the affair becomes inconvenient, however, it should be ended.

[Jeff Kreisler - Huffpost Blogger]

Cheating and Money. Together at last.

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"A brilliant and brilliantly sustained satirical broadside." - Tony Hendra (National Lampoon)
http://GetRichCheating.com or http://tinyurl.com/ojfl3z

[iblogleft]

Insanity.

We all wonder how we got this bad off...

It doesn't take religion to instill some sense of morality, honesty or integrity, does it? I certainly hope not.

[Darthwave]

Goes to show Women cheat too. Most women that used to hit on me online when I was single were married so this makes sense.

[Zondra Hughes - Huffpost Blogger]

Darthwave,
His strategy is built around convincing wives to step out, because he says, its more of a second nature for men. I wonder what came first in your situation, Ashley Madison's aggressive campaign... or cheating wives dating online... hmmm...