08/16/2010 05:43 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Fantasia Fiasco: Why Toys are better than Boys

Men are wonderful, needed, valuable members of society, and no matter what your definition of love is, if you wish to procreate, you will have to cross paths with one at some point.

And, yes, I love men, dearly.

However, Fantasia Barrino is the brand new poster girl for why toys are better than boys.

Fantasia met another woman's husband, a father of two, a cutie pie with a smooth tongue and bedroom moves so FIRE that she had to tape what she was getting.

If the allegations are true, why would she do such a thing?

Fantasia had stars in her eyes and curls in her toes. And curling her toes is his new job.
That's what he does to remain in her good favor -- just keep those orgasms coming and all of his other stupidity will be forgotten. Like that divorce from his wife that Fantasia may have to pay for. Or, that reality show that he's taping with Fantasia, and in full view of those three kids that he loves so much.

What a gentleman. What a catch. I mean, where can a non-celeb like me find such an upstanding and quality guy? Divorce Court, perhaps? Or Ashley Madison?

But I digress.

The point is, Fantasia lost control, and this mess could have been avoided. This is happening more often than we'd like to realize; we get a good lover in our lair and we lose control.

And men WANT us to lose control, because they will gain control.

Ladies, all men know the power of the mighty orgasm. Yes, we can become temporarily stupid by them. Let's call it Lovers Lobotomy Syndrome, shall we?

Do you have Lovers Lobotomy Syndrome? Ask yourself:
  • Have you ever loaned money to a great lover, although you knew he would never pay you back?
  • Have you ever prepared a four-course meal, hoping to reconnect for something more, more often? Have you ever found yourself wide awake in the wee hours of the morning, hoping for a quick hook-up?
  • Have you spent money that you didn't have, just to keep him near?

That's Lovers' Lobotomy Syndrome, and it's no fault of your own. All a lover has to do is keep curling your toes, and the world is his oyster.

But there comes a time when we must save ourselves from ourselves.

Enter the Battery Operated Boyfriend. B.O.B. delivers multiple orgasms on demand, so you won't forget the golden rules of power and sisterhood:

  • Do not enter 'fight-to-the-death' competitions over a guy.
  • Do not spend your hard earned money just to keep him near.
  • Do not destroy time-tested friendships because you want someone else's guy.
  • Do not ruin your rep at home and at work because you desire some guy.
  • Do not call The Maury Povich Show because you're unclear about WHICH guy is the one.

Relax. Hang out with B.O.B. for awhile, and curl your own damn toes.
Learn who you really are and what you really want in your guy.

New golden rule: "Smart girls trade bad boys for great toys."

Trade UP.