07/21/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

The 12 Women of the Zodiac (A Roadmap for Lovers)

Hello my dears.

Just in time for Father's Day, I will impart these words of wisdom to give you clarity about your girlfriend, wife, secret lover or soon-to-be-ex.

This is the most accurate, double-guaranteed zodiac love chart that you will find anywhere, and I should know, because I wrote it.

I don't have credentials in astrology, but I do have a cadre of female friends and, of course, my gut feelings.

And my gut is never wrong.

Lady Aries

She's curious and energetic. This is my gentle way of warning you that within the span of a week, Lady Aries will know all of your passwords and will snoop in your wallet as you sleep. She bores quickly, so play like James Bond and maintain the illusion that you're in high demand.

Lady Taurus
She is elegant, gentle as a summer's breeze. She's reliable, keeps a steady job and a steady pace. She's always in control of herself, that is, until you cross her. If you should ever trample on a Taurus, she will become the raging bull. I have a three-word warning for you: CRIME OF PASSION.

Lady Gemini
O.K., let's say you're a playboy at heart (the kind of fellow who must date at least two women simultaneously), but you also realize that it's time to settle down with just one. What do you do? You grab a hold of the nearest Gemini -- she's your gal! She's smart, a great conversationalist, and she quickly becomes a totally different person on a whim. At last, a ménage a trois without ever straying.

Lady Cancer
As a Cancer, I must say that the rumors are true--Cancers are, indeed, the most fascinating women on the planet. Now if you're into hermits and prison chicks, the Cancer woman is the woman to keep. We never like to go out. We make few friends outside of our family and coworkers (notice both sets of people are forced upon us) and, much like prison culture, we are ruthlessly evil if slighted. Be good to us, however, and we guarantee three square meals and a clean abode.

Lady Leo
Do you like working behind the scenes? Were you a member of the high school Glee Club? Do you sell women's shoes at the mall? If so, you are the perfect mate for this shameless DRAMA QUEEN. Don't let the pretty face and the good cooking fool you, your Leo demands the spotlight and the only way to keep her near is to roll out the
red carpet and stanchions. And scene!

Lady Virgo
Attention all masochists and momma's boys--Lady Virgo is your dreamgirl!
She strives for excellence in every facet of her life, and she is quite adept at pointing out your flaws, from your slight overbite to your wrinkled jeans. If you seek a sensual woman with super-sharp elbows, the Virgo is the vixen for you. But know this: Once Lady Virgo whips you into shape, she'll want a commitment. Or else.

Lady Libra

Are you a barfly in need of sobering? Have you been inducted into the Anger Management Hall of Shame? Do you have jailhouse tats? Do you own a Harley? If you are a bad boy in search of the simple life, Lady Libra may provide the harmony you seek. She prides herself on being the peacekeeper, and her one flaw -- unbeknownst to her -- is that she flirts every time she says hello.

Lady Scorpio

Lady Scorpio will hook you with those soul-less eyes. Most women like to gossip, but Lady Scorpio likes to trash talk to your face. And if you don't like what she has to say, she's quick to crack a pool stick over her bended knee and challenge you to "Do something about it, punk." She's intense and some men may find her rogue honesty seductive, but know this: Once you fall for Lady Scorpio, no other meek woman will do. You've ventured to the Goth Side.

Lady Sagittarius
Do you seek excitement? Adventure? Frequent abandonment? Well, then, Lady Sagittarius is your Gypsy of Love. How many ways will this pretty one hurt you?! Lady Sagittarius loves the wind at her back and will be on the open road sooner than you can ask, "Hey--has anyone seen my girlfriend?" You may have to check her Facebook relationship status often.

Lady Capricorn

At first blush, Lady Capricorn appears quiet and reserved; she's the sweetheart you'd invite to a dinner party. When you're out and about, Lady Capricorn is sensitive enough to silence her cell phone. And her home phone. She prefers not to network or spend much time online, she'd rather be there for you. Lady Capricorn is absolutely perfect, until you discover the truth about your lonesome dove: She's so damn mean that she has no friends! (Arrogance is yet another of her more alluring traits.)

Lady Aquarius
If you are in a funk and are in search of the nearest rainbow, Lady Aquarius will meet your needs. She's artistic and wild -- she hates rules and confinement. In a perfect world, Lady Aquarius would be a traveling nudist who paints rainbow murals all over the land. (And she'd collect admirers in every state.)

Lady Pisces

She is regal. She is enlightened. She is armed and dangerous.
Yes, Lady Pisces is one-part gentle lover, two-parts insane genius, and she has a track record for sending men to the nuthouse and the poorhouse, and not necessarily in that order.

I sincerely hope this guide is as helpful as it is accurate.