Hello My Darlings,
As you may soon realize, there will be a rash of breakups around Valentine's Day, as with every holiday that requires our lovers to fork over gifts, and/or prove their fidelity by sticking around the entire night.
Here, then, are seven ways for you to get over the sting of being Suddenly Single this Valentine's Day.
1. Feeling old and lonely? Adjust your public age, sweetie! This is a little tricky, but it can be done. First, acquaint yourself with the jargon of the day, right now; the buzz word is REALLY, as in, "You're kidding, right?" Second, wear your hair in a ponytail to the side, or right on the top with bangs. Third, raid a twenty-something's closet. Fourth, update your name; so if you're Agnes, you should become Angel. Last but not least, block your high school friends (or adult children) from your Facebook profile. And voila, you'll never age, just like Jack Benny. (Jack celebrated his 39th birthday 41 times!)
2. Stop swooning over those romantic leading men types--check out the past seasons of VH1's hit show, Flavor of Love to get reacquainted with what's really out there waiting for you.
3. Nurture your philanthropic side and offer weekend babysitting services to your favorite couple. Children provide 24-hour entertainment, and they aren't shy about pointing out your flaws (hey, free reality check). Here's a bonus, bad kids will run you beyond the point of exhaustion, and those nagging fifteen pounds will be gone in 48 hours!
4. Round up a group of single girlfriends and take chocolates to the area nursing homes. Get to know the resident Golden Girls, stick around and listen to a few love stories. Golden Girls have a wealth of outrageous tales; you'll make new friends and may learn a few life lessons.
5. Hang out with that crazy relative that everyone hates to see coming. Take her out for a night on the town, and watch in delight as the upper crust passersby cringe. Learn this Universal Crazy Relative motto: "I'll gladly leave. I've been kicked out of better places than this!" (Be careful, hanging out with the crazy relative can become addictive--and may involve a bail bondsman at some point).
6. Just be grateful that Dmitri the Stud--and the league of jerks just like him--doesn't have your business card.
Said the Stud to his Coquette: "I am one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. If I don't hear from you, by 3 o'clock on Thursday, you lose my number."
7. Feeling frisky? There's a toy for that. Your brand new Battery Operated Boyfriend is just waiting to get acquainted. Sometimes, the best way to get over a lover is to get a new one--with batteries.
Whatever you do, avoid the pity-party scenario this Valentine's Day. Know this: You're the prize, and he's just a contender.
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