Indy? Is That You? [SPOILER ALERT]

SPOILER ALERT: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS PLOT POINTS FROM INDIANA JONES 4 IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE PICTURE BELOW

photo courtesy of people.com

Aliens? Honestly, aliens? After 19 years, the latest adventure through pyramids and ancient ruins ends with the revelation that the Crystal Skull is nothing but an alien that beams itself up in to a spaceship and takes off? They should have just saved some money by borrowing footage from Spielberg's own Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Sure I understand it doesn't really matter what I say since audiences will turn out in droves to see Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. And hey, I was one of those who made it appointment viewing on Sunday May 18th when I turned up on the Paramount lot to see the adventures of my beloved Indy.

Well, my beloved Indy was fine. It's just that a few other things were not. We all know that in an action adventure movie like this you are expected to suspend belief in certain things so that the hero can do some things that mere mortals can't. However, when it starts ripping up the rules of physics on the non-fantastical elements, wondrous awe turns in to unintended laughs.

Let's take the visually wonderful waterfall scene. After Indy and the gang drop down not one, but three, steep waterfalls on par with Niagara Falls, several preposterous things happen:

a) they all land within close proximity of each other and climb back in the car/boat within three seconds each and every time,

b) nobody is bruised, scratched or has any water in their lungs and...

c) This is the worst offense -- the crazy old professor never once -- not once! -- lets go of the bag containing the Crystal Skull during the drops. This thing is heavier than a bowling ball and John Hurt looks like he would have a hard time holding onto it in a stiff breeze. But later, when they tumble a mere five feet down into knee deep water that's when the professor accidentally loses his grip and ... oops! There goes the bag! And oops! There goes the skull! Really? Come on!!!!!!

I can forgive the fact that every cave and tunnel had so much ambient light you'd think there were giant chandeliers hanging from the ceilings. But am I to assume that if the U.S. were to ever be struck by an atomic bomb, I could just climb into a lead-lined fridge like Indy and totally survive? That mushroom cloud would have melted the hinges right off the door and the last we'd see of Indy is his face bubbling and melting off.

A quick aside here: Why would two legendary and acclaimed filmmakers like Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Lucas so blatantly rip off 1954's The Atomic Kid? Mickey Rooney already did that same scene where a guy walks in to a house complete with a mannequin family before realizing that a bomb was going to go off. Except in that movie, Mickey Rooney's Barnaby becomes radioactive. I guess Indy is just ... immune?

Listen, I can suspend disbelief, no problem. I did with Temple of Doom when Indy and his gang jumped out of a plane in an inflatable raft, landed on a mountain, slid all the way down before going off a cliff and landing in a river. But I simply did not buy Shia LeBoeuf swinging with monkeys. What was that? A Tarzan screen test?

Lastly, what's up with the groundhogs? I felt like it was a totally different movie. I was expecting those chipmunks Alvin, Simon and Theodore to join them and break into a song.

But really, guys -- aliens? Come on!

On that note, may Indy enjoy his opening weekend. Let the record shattering begin.

Comments

[CMLA]

Thank you Zorianna. You could also mention all the things wrong with that motorcycle (modern racing tire, front disc brakes, ect.) This is why I stoped going to movies, directors, writers and producers just automatically assume your a moron. Its very insulting.

[BlackJAC]

This coming from a woman who just appeared in another summer blockbuster featuring a guy who builds a fusion reactor the size of a bagel from scrap parts in an Afghanistan cave and uses to power an exoskeletal armor suit capable of supersonic flight and equipped with micromissile launchers and artificial intelligence.

Just repeat these four words to yourself, Ms. Kit: "It's Only A Movie."

[mlaiuppa]

I understand they were shooting for a take-off of the B movies of the fifties.

Good enough.

But please don't make Shia Leboeuf Indy's son and don't have him take over the franchise. Just.....gag me. If LeBoeuf takes over and Ford just does a cameo in the next one it's jump the shark time.

I suppose Justin Bartha was unavailable? I could so see him as Indy's son.

[MrWampler]

Most of this has been stated before, but let's summarize Indy 4's crimes:
-aliens
-sword fighting on moving vehicles in the jungle
-Tarzan/monkeys
-aliens
-horrific non-use of Karen Allen and her character
-waterfalls
-aliens
-the nuclear fridge bit
-the natives living INSIDE the walls
-aliens
-the skull being magnetic only when convenient
-soldiers completely incapable of hitting a large target with a machine gun
-aliens

I still don't get the ending. Did Cate die or was she teleported to some interdimensional nonsense? I don't see the logic in creating a spaceship which would murder anyone who essentially "liberates the imprisoned" aliens within it.

And why did Oxley return the skull to the grave again? -other than to add an unnecessary 30 minutes to the movie.

[LiberalBuzz]

I thought it was a lot of fun. AND that is all it was supposed to be although you are not alone in the waterfall bit. I kept thinking the same thing.

I just don't think Shia was a very good choice, he's just the flavor of the day and he seems to act the same in EVERYONE of his movies. No depth, no...well nothing. There are a lot of young actors that probably could have pulled this off much better. BUT hey, I'm not in charge. Personally I would have introduced Nathan Fillion as his long lost cousin or even an earlier fling's son.. Now HE has chops and can carry Indy like nobody can.

BUT it was pure fun and action AND if you are going to buy ANY of the Indy movies this one is no different. Think about the first and third ones in particular.

SO go to the movie and enjoy it for what it was, PURE FUN.

[adoringfan]

Great, LiberalBuzz, just when I think I will head to bed for a good night's sleep, you go and put the image of a Nathan Fillion/Indy in my brain. I'll be up for hours fantasizing about that Big Damn Hero!

[Grulg]

I thought it was great. The whole triple falls thing, the Tarzan routine, etc-it's all from the same universe as Indy and the Rubber Raft parachute, etc. etc. It's pretty good.

[Merin]

Good review.

But please, did you really have to wish Indy well?

[coolmaiden]

"Kingdom" was certainly fun and entertaining, but I was not in any way expecting a masterpiece considering the massive decline of its director and producer. The whole premise was to pay tribute to cheesy "B" movies of the '50s, which had their considerable share of aliens and Soviets. Spielberg and Lucas may not have an original thought between the two of them, but they still know how to have a good time.

[civilityliberty]

I think it all comes down to what your expectations are going in. I love Young Indy (TV series). I was hoping for more of that and less of the reality-bending Vegas ride, but, hey, Young Indy had bad ratings and Vegas still works for lots of people. They are just two completely different worlds. And, sadly, they do not connect at all.

[civilityliberty]

I think the movie was really broken into three totally outrageous acts, each more ludicrous than the last. First, the Back to the Future rehash; then the Ewok adventure; and finally, and worst of all, the Close Encounters/Chariot of the Gods reworking. As an homage to short films it works. As a continuation of the Indy (and esp. the Young Indy) oeuvre, it is a failure and an atrocity.

I think you should look at Lucas as a storyteller as well. He is not a good one. He is not a mature moralist, and yet he has all of his movies revolve around this pseudo-gravitas moral theme.

Well, just like the Charles Mansonx3Million-kills Darth Vadar should not get into heaven after he makes up with his kid, neither should a Russian seeker of knowledge have to pay for her quest by having her brains burned out. Lucas needs to explain his moral center and his metaphysics if he continues to pump out this sort of flimsy story. Or better yet, he should stick to visual effects and management and leave the writing to someone who can tie meaningful ideas together into a comprehensive and meaningful whole.

[hallste7]

Not a big lover of this movie either, but, i must politely point out that Lucas didn't write the screenplay. the problem with this movie was not that the overall idea was totally flawed. it could have been cool with the write screenwriter, but David Koepp's execution just didn't unpack the ideas effectively at all. plus, they spent too much time cracking wise. it wasn't even a little surprising or funny which is what's clever about the humor in the originals, they were mostly action-adventures with just a twinge of humor. this piece of crap was mostly smart ass jokieness with just a twinge of action-adventure. I'm astonished that as these two people age, they seem to get worse and worse at making movies. just when you think they've hit their lowest point, they do you one worse.

[libertron]

When did Lucas claim to be a mature moralist, or has anyone ever claimed that he has gravitas? He makes fun fantasy movies that people love to watch, rather than pretentious crap that win awards and nobody watches.




























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