When she turned 15, my daughter announced her intention to start wearing the hijab (Muslim head scarf). At the time, we had been living in Qatar for nine years and upon our arrival in Dubai she donned her first veil.
Nothing prepared me for the deluge of feelings that followed. Her soft cheeks, her doe shaped eyes and a perfect nose used to be encircled by a halo of dark brown hair that I tended to lovingly while she was younger. I reminisced about those countless hours washing, combing and braiding it, nourishing it with regular applications of coconut and almond oils. I remembered the way the sun shone off the auburn and gold highlights when she played in the park. I thought of the road ahead of her--how hard it will be, how little she knew of what awaited in the future.
A sense of irrational fear and foreboding enveloped my days following her transformation. It was post 9/11 and the subsequent anti-Islamic sentiment was rampant. Terrible scenarios churned in my mind. What if she became the target of condemnation on our next trip to the U.S. and Europe? What if people looked at her with mistrust, suspicion or simply unkindness? I put together a list of reasons to discourage her from this life-altering decision.
First, she was too young. I wanted her to wait until she finished college at least, in order to have a greater understanding of to what she was committing. On the other hand, since many of her friends were already 'hijabis', I knew this tactic wouldn't work. Second, I felt she needed more information about the path that lay ahead, the difficulties that she might face. Previously, she was an active girl, won prizes in horseback riding, tae kwon do and gymnastics. She was on the swim team. I wondered if the billowing hijab would alter her priorities or stifle her dreams in some way.
The thing that struck me the most once she started wearing the veil was the instant profiling from strangers and those close as well. Some branded her a timid girl whose family probably forced her into this choice. That couldn't have been further from the truth. Others elevated her to almost divine status, as they saw only the virtuous, thinking highly of her every move and hanging onto her every word. Somehow, in a matter of months she had attained the respect of her peers and family that takes other teenagers years to achieve.
Her impish locks disappeared beneath the length of swirling silky cloth. Those dark eyes looked at me, at the world with an assurance, defiance and mostly conviction.
There were times when I was startled by the sight of her in front of the school, books across her chest, a heavy bag on her back, chatting animatedly with other girls, some hijab wearing, others Christian, even Druze.
Who was this girl? I would ask myself repeatedly. And what had she done with my daughter? On sweltering Dubai days, I would worry she was too hot, only to have her tell me calmly that she was fine. She never fiddled with the scarf, never complained when the air was too wet and hot even to breathe. Over time, she experimented and then molded her own version of trendy hijab, manifested by wearing rings on all her fingers, owning an electric guitar and driving my car like a possessed madwoman.
Her European side of the family politely avoided the topic. Some pretended not to notice the obvious change and a few voiced their disbelief, questioning why we would allow this transformation. Even my more liberal Muslim friends and acquaintances swiftly concealed shock when I introduced her. The hijab highlighted the obvious contrast between mother and daughter.
"Did you force her to wear it?" asked a voice shrill with the promise of delicious gossip later on. "But she doesn't have to wear it, you know?" from others intending to inform me, a clueless Westerner. In their eyes I detected a flicker, a hint of blame as if somehow I must be responsible for my daughter's "suffering".
After all, they whispered, aren't those who wear the hijab usually forced to? Aren't they all dominated by male relatives, society and overzealous imams?
Their ignorance exasperates me, because I know a Salha, a Nadia and a Zahra and many other young girls who have adorned themselves with the veil on their own volition. Many third culture kids yearn to belong. In the absence of a parents' homeland comes a sense of displacement, of questioning just as many other teenagers might question their very existence. Some find their identity in their faith.
As a Muslim convert, my path has been different from my daughter's--an amalgamation of experiences and influences resulting from my years spent as the stepdaughter of a Muslim, growing up in a Muslim country and embracing Islamic culture and later, a Muslim husband. Even though each of us practices our religion in her own unique way, the two of us make perfect sense to each other.
Mine is a moderate, spiritual view. In a religion of rules, I follow the ones that speak to me in the most sincere form. I believe in the good in each man, child and woman, I trust that God is looking out for us. I know we are all loved.
My daughter practices hers on her own free will. She fasts and prays and has an unshakeable trust in the words that rise from the Quran. Hers is a journey galaxies away from mine, the strength of her character evident by her dedication to a lifestyle that is by no means easy in today's world of skeptics. I admire her courage and wish I could have some of it too.
Wherever her life might take her, she will make her own way, her own choices as she always has. And then, she will stand by them. Her joyful certainty has me humbled. I'm in awe of her tranquil composure, her highly held head on which a delicately swirling, tenderly wound hijab rests like a crown. She carries it proudly, unflinchingly, unapologetically.
As she rushed to board her plane a couple of months ago, I followed her with my eyes. A sparkle caught my attention. I smiled at her newly bought earrings, the scarf that was coming undone in her haste.
That's when I saw it. A single tendril of dark hair caressing her neck lovingly.
She turned, blew me a kiss and was gone.
This piece first appeared on the website InCultureParent.com
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Never judge a book by it's cover.
Your daughter may keep on hijab forever or take it off at some point. And if she takes if off, she may decide to wear it again after some time. It is a very deeply personal decision. You are doing the right thing by just standing back and letting her experience her own journey.
I think concern is entirely justified - especially in an environment where radical religious beliefs are the rule rather than the exception.
I don't think such a change should result in a parent's being less loving, but if parents need not embrace tattoos and miniskirts, why should they embrace religious conservatism?
If parents believe it is appropriate to exercise a measure of control over things like their children's dress, hair styles and the people they associate with, there is no reason no reason to treat behavior and dress associated with religious conservatism any differently.
I wouldn't stop loving a child who became a religious conservative, but I would want to find out more about the roots of such behavior and improve communication before he/she completely escaped my influence.
I would not hesitate to express my disappointment. That could even be a good opportunity to open a discussion and learn what the child is thinking.
While the piece is nice, it is a bit dramatic and uses a lot of the language one would fine in a romance novel. Fair enough--it still reads fine. As for all of the other religious groups you've named, I, for one (and I'm guessing other posters), definitely have a problem with "forced coverings" supposedly mandated on high from some divinity, who is ostensibly obsessed with sexuality. It's not about ignorance here--it's about the desire to control woman and their movement in society. Even if the hijab (or any sort of covering) has taken on a different valence today (i.e., choice feminism), you cannot erase the fact that the "effacement of women" through veils, wigs, what have you, is rooted in extreme patriarchy and female ownership. You can trace the veil back to antiquity (pre-Islam) where it was worn as a sign of being claimed by a man.
Also, most intelligent people, if they hadn't been introduced to atheism in childhood, would be interested in learning about their religion.
If the child in question is simultaneously slipping into conservatism and excessive piety, then it might merit a conversation or two to make sure she's not at risk of getting involved with the wrong kind of people.
Many of these people who get entrapped by the FBI on a regular basis could have been saved if their parents or friends had intervened at an appropriate time.
I've spent my life studying religion. And at the end of the day, I'm not convinced that any one is superior to the next.
Just a note here: I didn't know what Druze was so I looked it up.
Thanks, Zvezdana, for sharing this insightful story.
Nathan: The only thing the head scarf hides is your hair and neck. Your face and features are there for recognition. And no, we're not asked to take off the headscarf when boarding a plan.
Thank you so much for stopping by and for your honest and gracious words. They are lovely at two aren't they? It's later when they are older that we as parents are faced with bigger challenges and accepting the paths our children take. Wish you much luck on your journey as a mom:)
As a throughly Western man, I've dressed in ways that bring about instant judgements from those around me for years: I'm a heavy-metal fan, and wear ripped jeans, t-shirts that would make a sailor frown and jewelry that has caused Bible-thumpers to try and stop me in the streets. And yes, full length leather jackets straight from Highlander 2 and The Matrix, that my brother likes to draw attention to by shouting "it's Neo!"
My point is that just because society chooses to view people a certain way, that doesn't mean we have to conform to those views. So long as your daughter is a law-abiding citizen who respects everyone else's right to wear whatever they want to, what business is it of ours to say what she can or cannot wear?
I can imagine how dressed as Neo would draw attention. I am a big fan of the Matrix movies by the way. As for the identification for face covering (The Burqa) there is a system where the women uncover their faces to female immigration officers in a private enclosure. This system exists across the Middle East. My daughter recently traveled to the US and was not asked to remove any part of her veil since her face is clearly visible. I think it can be compared to a nun for example as they too wear a hair cover without prejudice while traveling. I hope this helps and thank you very much for engaging in the discussion and for your kind sentiments
Glad you enjoyed the article and thanks for sharing
Would you react the same way to tattoos, a shaved head, piercings and miniskirts or black trench coats? If you knew your child was associating with people who took drugs, hated homosexuals or Jews, or conducted cult-like rituals would you be equally supportive?
What makes religious conservatism so different? There, too, one can find people who are a bad influence. Concern is justified.
I am not suggesting that such behavior should necessarily be forbidden, but it need not be condoned, either.
.... Depends on the age of the young person and the circumstances.
You asked, "If you knew your child was associating with people who took drugs, hated homosexuals or Jews, or conducted cult-like rituals would you be equally supportive?"
The key word is "doubt". I have no doubts that these behavoirs & attitudes are unacceptable. Therefore, I would not tolerate, accept or support them.
You stated .... "What makes religious conservatism so different? There, too, one can find people who are a bad influence."
Naturally there are bad influences anywhere. Therefore, it's important to teach children to think for themselves, trust their instincts and be able to go against the crowd.
As for "religious conservativism," it's all relative. Perhaps you see hijab in this category. Since I live in the Middle East, half the women I know wear hijab. I hold no prejudices regarding this one way or another. I see it as person choice.
I hope that clarifies my point of view. Salaam.