08/05/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dear Sarah, Please, Please, Please Sue Me

I know how victimized you feel about the lies being spread online and in the media. I know you believe it's your right to threaten and silence those who would question or disagree with you. So let me offer my help in giving you the grounds to sue me for defamation, win and drive a stake into the heart of the First Amendment.

Because everything I'm now going to write about you in this public forum is a total lie:


God, I admire you.

You are a skilled public speaker, a thoughtful public strategist and a natural leader.

You should wear longer skirts because your legs are an embarrassment.

The thought of you holding political office fills me with pride and joy.

Your reason for resigning will soon be revealed as measured, selfless and strategically brilliant. In future histories written about you it will be referred to as "the genius move."

You have been the recipient of more unfair attacks than any figure in world history.

And in the future, the words "quitter," "diva," "crybaby," "psycho," and "Little Miss Pouty Pants" will never be used against you.

I hate your hair, especially when it's kind of down and loose and... y'know.

You are a lock for president in 2012. Obama should just give up now. Because that guy's the kind of leader who, when he's questioned or attacked, just fires back low level insults then stomps off to sulk. You will wipe that guy off the map. Poor Obama.

You are the Democratic Party's worst nightmare.

You are respected.


And will never be a political punchline.

I love you and truly hope that after you sue me, beat me and silence all dissent, you ascend to the heights of absolute monarchy and bring about the nation of intolerance, ignorance, fear and greed you see in the rabid faces of your followers.

You don't remind me at all of the President in THE DEAD ZONE. Not even a little.

That's it.

Consider yourself defamed, Madam, and let our journey together now begin.

I await your attorney's first threatening phone call by holding my breath starting... hang on... now.

Yours Truly,

John McNamara